Poetry / Joyous Family

I’m sorry i just didnt get it.. mores the pity cos it flow well it just went straight over my head though

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June 29, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 16

My daughter was on drugs when she had her second child.  CPS took her two babies from her.  She did all they told her to and was `clean` when they had her drop.  The children are back with her and her fiancee now with no more court dates.  The four of them are happy and hopefully will never have to trod that road again.

June 29, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 16

Sorry, I forgot something, thank you for your wonderful review.

June 30, 2008

by queenparky

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39	F	United Kingdom	July 03

Ok now it all makes perfect sense. how awful, im glad they are all back together. As i said before your poem flowed well i just didnt get what it was exactly about. Having read your comments now I see the hell you have faced. I hope it all stays calm for you now

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Well, I now understand the story behind this poem. Considering that this is your first attempt at poetry in many years, it is not bad. If it helped you get through a rough patch in your family’s life, then it was well worth writing. Thank you for sharing. :)

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June 23, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 16

Thank you for being so understanding.  My daughter has her little ones back now and will not be fighting CPS again. We hope.

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The poem is really wonderful. No words to convey it. But, is there a word ‘pattren’ in English vocabulary, i don’t think so. Is the real word ‘pattern’? The poem is lyrical i feel. I get the music when i read it. But still i didn’t get the central idea. I think i need an explanation. Overall, keep it up!

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June 22, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 16

My daughter had drugs in her system when she went to give birth to her second daughter.  Both children were taken from our home.  CPS got involved.  The babies are back with their mom and dad and they completed the many hours of classes, court dates and drops that they had to do.  Thank you for your review.

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This is a sweet poem, but it is also hard to understand. I wish you would have let your words flow, instead of making hte sentences so short. There is a entire story to be said here and you have left out to many important descriptive words to make your point entirely understood. If your going to opt-out of excessive wording then you need strong grammatical structure, and that isn’t here either. Don’t let your internal editor ruin your poem.

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June 21, 2008

by wise2owls

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79	73.5% (102 votes)	8.0%

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56	F	United States	August 16

Thank you for your review.  This is my first attempt at poetry in decades.  Iwas going through a rough patch then, I`m much better now.

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this is really good, it’s deep.

x

i liked the earlier version slightly better i think
suggested changes:
Drugs do put up their ugly heads
scared when we get a knock
taken from us, little one

taken from her drugs in infant – is not clear

stanza two needs reworking
otherwise it’s ok

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June 16, 2008

by wise2owls

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56	F	United States	August 16

My daughter was pregnant and they found drugs in her baby`s system upon delivery so took the child away.  My kid and her fiancee went through all the court dates and classes and now have their two children back.

June 16, 2008

by avkoshy

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43	M	India	August 15

ah ok….

June 16, 2008

by wise2owls

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56	F	United States	August 16

I`m sorry, its 110 degrees here and I have high blood pressure.  Thank you for your comments.  Its been decades since I`ve written poetry.  

June 21, 2008

by avkoshy

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43	M	India	August 15

thanks for your comments too

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Intriguing, good use of language, but it doesn’t tell the story, does it?

Peace,
libramoon

I do think the additional stanza does add a little to it’s ability to capture your mind.

this is neat. It was a roller coaster of emotions. The first stanza was very joyous, made me think of my lil one. the second made me think a little more. the way it was written, i was unsure of its meaning..Maybe work on clarity there.But, i understood the emotion of it. The last two were clearer and i understood that the family is healing. I really liked the last two lines

Only two more hoops to go through,
Then the peace will be restored

This is written nicely. Good luck and thanks for the neat read.

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June 14, 2008

by wise2owls

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56	F	United States	August 16

Thank you, my daughter has her little ones back from CPS and will not have to be in their clutches again.  It was a lot of hard work but she and her fiancee did it.

June 15, 2008

by MAYAsheDANCES

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25	F	Pendergrass, GA	August 04

that was what i thought you were writing about. im glad everthing has worked out.

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This better than the original version I read, but I noticed something else. You used the word “hoops” twice. Try something like “rings of fire” to spice it up a bit.