haha. we’re even now.
Short Story / Puzzle Pieces
Puzzle Pieces
“I hadn’t been to work in four weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired, they would’ve kicked me out the day of. It’s not like I don’t make enough money outside of work, they’d just rather have a roomate with more ‘stable’ income. They might not’ve kicked me out, but they’d give me a hard time about it and I’d rather just avoid it all together. We tolerate each other like that. So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit. That’s where I met Brian. Well, not for the first time, at least. I’ve seen him around. But that was the first time we talked. He was on his laptop, probably doing more than loitering, sitting a few tables over from me. We had been making eye contact, for weeks, not just the day I saw him there, and I could tell he wasn’t the type to make the first move, so I introduced myself. I felt obligated. He’s really cute. But you know that already; you saw him.
I just went up to him and said, ‘Hey. I’m Vicky. I’ve seen you around, right?’ He didn’t seem surprised that I’d come over, like he expected it or something. He’d been typing faster than I’d ever seen anyone type. And loud too. And he was wearing one of those Cosby sweaters. I think they sell them in his store. I don’t know why anyone would want to buy them. It looked good on him though.
So I walk up to him, say hey, and he didn’t even look up from his work. He just said, ‘I know who you are, Vicky,’ And that’s how it started. He said hello, and since, I don’t think he’s said goodbye. He always insists he’ll see me later, or catch me tomorrow. But I’m not so sure. I’m not really the type to be caught.
Anyways, I go, ‘How do you know who I am?’ Turns out he’d seen me around too, and thought I was cute (his words, not mine). He asked some of his friends if they knew me. But he never said anything to me because he thought me and my friends were ‘kinda crazy.’ His friends are far from wild and he’s got a calm face, you know. I bet he was a really smart kid. Every time I saw him, he was either going into a gallery or coming out of a theatre. Not the type you and me would go to though; the type that shows movies that no one would understand without knowing the director or actors, or the kind that people pretend to understand because all of their friends say its deep. That’s Brian for you.
I invited him to a few of my parties (that’s what I do for money – outside of knitting – throw parties) and he said ‘No thanks’ every time, even though I promised not to charge him at the door. I don’t know anyone else who could turn down a free party. He said he’d heard about my parties and had seen flyers in the shops around the neighborhood. Some of his friends come out religiously. We have a few associates in common. Everybody I know well enough to call a friend (or in some cases a roommate), I’ve met at a party though. That’s why I meet him every morning at the campus. Well, that – and I have to pretend to go to work. He’s really not the party type.
I did get him to skip work and loiter with me a few times. He says I’m a bad influence on him, mainly because one of my favorite things to do is loitering. I like to go scope out new stores in the area, see what they’re selling and if my hats would be a good fit there. I didn’t tell him that’s what I was doing though. Later, he told me it wasn’t loitering – it was market research. He insisted on buying something in every store we went into. He’s kind of uptight like that. But there’s something about him. His favorite movie is Fantasia, so he’s not hopeless; and he uses the word whimsical.
He always asks me questions like, ‘Why don’t you have a job?’ He’s been a buyer for the vintage shop a few blocks from the campus library for at least four years. I’ve seen him there, but I never go in. It was one of the only shops in University Village that’s not selling my hats. I was kind of scared to pitch to them because they sell used books with Nitzche quotes and prints of paintings that don’t look like anything. I didn’t think they’d get the hand-knit hat thing.
I figured there’s no reason to lie this early, so I told him, ‘I got fired. I never showed up on time and I didn’t really like it anyway. I mean, could you picture me working in a bookstore?’ He laughed when I told him that. I obviously don’t look like the type.
‘At least now I know you can read.’ That was his attempt at a joke, I suppose. I lied and said he was funny, which he ate up. He asked me, ‘So, do you make a lot of money doing parties?’ He asks a lot of questions. Now that I think about it, I’m sure he was mocking me about the party thing, but I set him straight.
‘If you’d show up, you’d see for yourself! My parties are legendary!’ I broke down the numbers for him but he didn’t seem all that impressed, so I had to throw in that, ‘My knitting does okay too. I get more when I have orders from retailers than when I knit individual pieces for people. Probably made about $400 from it this month.’ Not many other people I know could live on knitting and parties, and I mentioned that to him a few times.
‘Knitting? Wait! You’re the one who does Vicky’s Knits? And you’re the party Vicky too? I had no idea!’ He was shocked. It was all over his face. I mean, his whole attitude changed. He goes, ‘I never put two and two together that those were the same people – the same person – YOU. My boss was just talking about picking some of those hats up for the store. We saw them in the sneaker shop on Milwaukee Ave last week,’ and he pulls one of my hats out of his bag! Can you believe it? He bought one of my hats! I took it from him and put it on his head for him. He looked good in it. I told him he should loosen up and stop wearing long sleeves all the time, show off his arms a bit. I can tell none of his art gallery girls tell him stuff like that. Seriously, the next day, he was in a screen tee. He’s hilarious. I told him he should ‘model for me. I’m putting my look book together soon. It’ll help the pieces sell themselves. And it’s way more professional.’ He agreed and said that I should model some myself. He asked if I’d ever considered modeling. My mom used to model and told me never to get into that industry, so I haven’t. I prefer making the clothes over wearing them. Plus, a few sleazy guys have approached me with the ‘have you ever considered modeling’ line –he thought that was pretty funny and assured me he wasn’t sleazy.
Anyway, we talked about my line for a little while, and then he asked me, ‘So that’s how you guys keep the apartment?’ He’s asked me that more than once. He lives alone. We’re the same age, but he seems so much older than me – which is a good thing, because most of the guys I know act like children. I live with two other people in a three bedroom apartment in University Village. The rent is decent because everything over there is priced for the students.
‘That – and my roommates have jobs. They kind of hate me,’ which is true. ‘I don’t blame them.’
He didn’t either. I remind him of his cousin Emily, he told me. She’s wild and spontaneous, ‘but she’s got a good head on her shoulders, kinda like you. It’s like she has a split personality. You wouldn’t want her watching your kids, but if you need to make some quick – legal – money, she’s the one to call.’ He said they were close when he was younger, but she goes to school at Sarah Lawrence now, so they just talk on Myspace sometimes. She does parties too. ‘I hate you too,’ he was kidding, of course. He had this big smile on his face and he was looking right into my eyes. I wasn’t creepy or anything though. ‘You make rent having fun. Must be nice. Emily’s mom can’t stand it either. She says she won’t be able to do that forever – needs to get a real job.’
‘Doing parties isn’t fun! Anyway, my roomates don’t even know I lost my job – and they hate me anyway. I do the parties for rent only. I’d much rather have a salary job. More reliable. Wouldn’t have to worry about shady club owners. And I think I get drunk too much. Occupational hazard.’
‘You love it. Don’t lie.’ That was his comeback. He’s kind of lame sometimes, but it’s cute. He has no idea how he sounds. I swear he thinks he’s clever.
I was serious though. ‘It’s a decent way to live – for now. But I’ll be twenty-five soon. Then thirty.’ He laughed at my liberal math, but it’s true, thirty sneaks up on you. ‘I make decent money but it’s getting tiring, going between parties and having to deal with buyers at the retailers. Going from wearing glitter on my face to having to put on freaking slacks. My mom used to do that a lot, go back and forth between lives.’ Anyway, that’s when I said, ‘I’m not just a party girl. I’ve had more fun doing other things, you know.’ He said he wouldn’t have believed that the week before.
‘Like what?’
I told him about my mother – about going to work with her when I was little and watching her, dressed in her sparkly outfit and shiny tights. Watching her balance what had to be a hundred drinks on a tray no bigger than his laptop and slide between patrons and gamblers and people too drunk to know their own bodies from hers and still look beautiful. I used to watch her snap men out of inebriation to tip her so that when she left, she could buy me whatever I wanted. Every kid wished they could have been there, instead of tucked in bed. My friends used to try on her work clothes when they came over the house and my teacher told her she couldn’t come back in for career day. She was jealous. ‘But that wasn’t the fun part,’ I told him.
‘Oh. I thought that was the good part of the story. Your mom sounds pretty cool.’
‘She was. On her days off, we did puzzles.’ He chuckled, but he tried to cover it up. Puzzles are a perfectly reasonable way to spend a Saturday afternoon, especially when you know you won’t get the chance to do it again for weeks.
‘Puzzles?’ He must have asked me that three or four times.
I told him that me and my mom used to do ‘Those one-thousand-piece puzzles. She didn’t have many days off, but when she did, we’d pull our puzzle mat from under her bed and pick up where we left off. I don’t think we ever finished one, but we started a lot. We tried bringing one in to her job once and working on it during her break. But her boss got mad because the customers saw me. He said she was supposed to look available and that bringing me in was hurting her tips.’ He told me I seemed like the type that wouldn’t finish a puzzle.
He was heading out on his way to work, long after we’d changed the subject when he told me, ‘I’m glad I ran into you in here. I don’t think we would have ever talked – honestly. Before I met you I didn’t really peg you for a puzzle girl.’
He was right. I thought his crowd was sort of pretentious. But he’s ok. You never really know until you talk to somebody, but hey, I think we kind of cancel each other out – in a good way. So I said to him, ‘I’m not a puzzle girl. I’m a party girl. Remember?’
He goes, ‘I know,’ without skipping a beat. Then he said something that surprised me. ‘You know, my store is seeing sales reps a little later today. I mentioned the hats to my boss again. You should make him one – like a special one, one he can’t get around here. I think that’ll seal it. He already loves the LINUS blanket I bought for the lounge area in the back of the shop.’ I had no idea what he was talking about.
‘What do you mean the LINUS blanket?’ I don’t make a LINUS blanket. So he tells me that he bought one of my Alpaca throws from boutique around the corner and his boss carries it around with him everywhere, so all of the employees call it the LINUS Blanket – from the Peanuts comics. They would be into Peanuts. I actually think I’m gonna call it that in my look book. Anyway, he asked me to stop by at lunch, so I scrambled to knit up a hat before then.
I think I sold about ten to his boss. He’s a good guy. I’ve seen him wearing the hat I made for him at the store too. He totally got the hand-knit hat thing. Anyway, Brian said he was going to stop by my party tonight. I was looking forward to seeing him there, kinda showing him off, you know. I really wanted him to see what I do with his own eyes, but… Well, here I am.” Vicky smiles, staring into the uniform ceiling tiles, happy at the memory of her new friend and frustrated at her predicament.
“Alrighty. I get it. I get it.” Hearing the nurse’s voice immediately jars her from the telling of the past four weeks’ events into the present – her bare legs scraping the abrasive bedding in a cold and impersonal hospital room, its florescent lights beaming so brightly onto her skin, she wonders how she’s forgotten where she is. The nurse looks down at her watch, signaling that Vicky’s answer was longer than she had anticipated. “I guess I can let him in – If he’s even still in the waiting room after that story. I wanted to know how you knew the young man because I’m not supposed to let anyone in if they’re not related. I’m not a stickler for the rules. I just want to make sure he’s not a crazy person trying to sneak in to see sick people. But it sounds like you two have a lot of fun together.” She makes a lot of exceptions. “Just this once. It’ll be our secret.” Vicky laughs at how many secrets the old nurse must pride herself in keeping.
“Thanks. You’re nicer than the last guy. He wouldn’t even let my roomates in.”
The nurse leans in and whispers, “I know. He’s a real asshole. None of the other nurses like him.” She giggles and saunters out of the room. Brian peeks his head around the open door seconds later.
“Hey you.” They beam, each trying to hide their smiles from the other. “They said only family could come in. I was just about to leave and the nurse…”
“Yea, I know. Sorry it took so long. She wanted to know how I knew you. What did you tell her?”
He doesn’t answer her question. “I was a little worried! I went to the party, but it was over by the time I got there and there were ambulances all around. I asked someone what was going on, turned out it was one of your roomates, and she told me you were here. I can’t believe what happened!”
“Yea. A few of us passed out. Something in the drinks, I guess. I’m glad you missed all that. It was a mess.” His eyes meet hers and he touches her for the first time, a gentle, but firm, squeeze of her small cold hand. She jumps at his subtle advance, breaks free of his hold and quickly changes the subject. “And I’m thrilled to know that my roommates are sharing my whereabouts with people they’ve never met!”
“It seems like they’re used to getting questions from strange guys – about you. And sorry; they figured out that you haven’t been going to work. Anyway, you’re going to get sued.”
“Not me. The bar.” She laughs at the severity of it all. He is wearing her hat, his brown, curly hair framing his face from its ribbed band, a smile lifting from the corner of his mouth. “So you lied and told the nurse you were, what, my brother?”
“No. Whatever you said must have made her let me in.” He shrugs, shakes the contents of a wrapped box and hands it to her, in her rigid paper gown. “I just asked her if I could bring you this puzzle.”
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plotjuggler reviewed Version 3 -
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I read this twice because I felt like I didn’t “get some of it”. I may not have perceived it the way you had intended. No matter. It may be exactly the way you want it. It is far from a poor piece of work. I think what might be effecting my perception is the narrative voice and some of the dialogue may be just similar enough that the “individual voice” is not as defined as I’m trying to “hear” it. If you don’t grasp what I am saying and no one else says anything similar then kindly ignore this. I am far from any “expert”. This review is in no way meant to belittle your story.
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Alexavier reviewed Version 3 -
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Throughout the story i was a little curious where its going and i lost interest, but I decided to keep on. The ending ws cute but I would like to hear more about the incident at the party. I like your characters but they seem very stocky maybe because of the college setting. The guy seems very robotic and because the story is kinda weak i think you mean for the characters to compell the reader. If thats the case develop them both more.
mm_storyteller reviewed Version 3 -
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Overall I enjoyed this story. I think you explained the characters well, and have room to expand them. I like the way the relationship between the two main characters is developing. Be careful on tense,”So I left every morning and went to the campus down the street to use their free WIFI and knit.” should be “So I leave every morning…” this helps the flow, and I think fits in better with the tense used earlier. Good job and thanks for the read.
mm_storyteller
caralynn reviewed Version 3 -
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it’s very interesting, though i didn’t get who vicky was talking to until you mention the nurse way later in the story. can you mention it sooner without giving away that she’s in the hospital? it was just a little disconcerting to all of a sudden be there. that said i like the ‘ongoing conversation’ style. i feel like i know the character of Vicky and empathize with her but don’t feel the same depth of empathy for Brian. i don’t feel like i know enough about him for him to do something so personal for vicky as to bring her the puzzle. hope this helps. good luck with the story.
VeeLee reviewed Version 3 -
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There’s a lot that I like about this story—the conversational tone is inviting, and is fitting for Vicky’s character. We get a pretty good idea of who she is and what motivates her. Brian is more of an enigma, though. I want to get into his head, see what makes him tick. Less dialogue and more action between the two of them would help that.
As to the structure: once I reached the end of the story, the way Vicky presents the timeline of their relationship made sense—the jumbled up sequence of their first conversation and subsequent conversations. While I was in the midst of reading it though, it was confusing, and took me out of the story. We have to wait a long time before we get to the end and reach an understanding of what’s being presented. I think Vicky’s telling could be a lot shorter and still have the same impact.
I hope that’s helpful. Good luck.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 3 -
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Ok, opening sentences needn’t only be strong, but convey some sort of message to the reader right? Well, this starts of with the main character talking about her being fired from work. Why was she fired? And then it goes into how she makes enough money outside of work, but doesn’t go into any detail about that either. I’m not saying your opening sentences are horrible, but I’d suggest giving at least a sentence explaining what purpose they have to the story – Why they’re there.
“And he was wearing one of those Cosby sweaters.” Isn’t this from a movie? High Fidelity perhaps… It just sounds like something I’ve heard before.
Okay, so you’ve established that Vicky throws parties as a source of outside income. Is she a party planner? Or is she just the person who buys a keg and rolls up to someone’s house and says, “Let’s have a party!” Though I like the premise of it, it lacks any sort of depth.
To me this reads more like a journal entry or a letter to a friend than a short story. There’s really no character build-up. We know Vicky knits and likes to throw parties. Her crush works. They talk alot about superficial things. There’s really no conflict, no action, or climax. Some other people may like this, but it just wasn’t for me. Sorry.
-Curt
smithk89 reviewed Version 3 -
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Hmmmm…interesting…good pace…holds the reader’s attention…but there’s just something about the dialouge. I think that maybe it sounds more as though she’s writing and not speaking. See, here’s the thing, As she tells the story you begin to get a sense of her and her personality, and it’s not completely meshing with the way she speaks. (Not all the time, mind you, just in some places). For example, when she begins by saying ““I hadn’t been to work in four weeks, but I still dressed the part because if my roommates knew I’d been fired….and so on. a phrase like “I still dressed the part” doesn’t come out of a person’s mouth all that often (unless they’re british and recounting a story over a spot of tea “Quite so, old chum.” “Indeed”). Here’s what one of my profs told me to do to make your dialouge as real as you can: act it out! Lay down on your bed, close your eyes, pretend you are the character speaking to the nurse and start talking. Remember, you’re really trying to influence her, but you’ve also just been through a traumatic ordeal. Just start saying what would come out of this person’s mouth.
Maybe more like:
“Look, this all started about four weeks ago. I lost my job, and I knew that if my roomates found out, they’d probably have me out on my ass before I could explain….so I didn’t tell them. I just kept getting dressed for work and leaving at the same old time…..”
Not all that much different, right? but maybe just a bit more urgent. But again, this is good, really. I enjoyed reading it. Nice change of pace for me.
mollyp reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked the story. The LINUS blanket, great. On page 6- I wasn’t creepy- should it be It wasn’t creepy? Really threw me when it became third person in the hospital. Brian and Vicky are made for each other. Looking forward to more.
PizzaDeliveryBoy reviewed Version 3 -
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Listen, that was a great story! The end was a surprise and really, for the most part, canceled a lot of the comments i had written down prior to the end.
You said you wanted to advice on character development so ill focus on that.
First off, i really liked the contrast of the two characters—got a picture in my head of both, the smart, different, spontaneous whatever girl vs the college, doesnt show his arms off, thinks hes funny guy. Really nice. You could have done more! I wanted to know more about both.
The line: He has no idea how he sounds. I swear he thinks he’s clever. Funny. Gives us a good idea about him. Kind of nerdy. I wanted more from the girl too. Did she hate high school? etc. I guess i dont even know exactly what i want (mostly because i was really happy with the story) Just more on her.
The line, “But you know that already, you saw him.” was excellently done! As i was reading it i was a bit confused but at the end, clearly it made sense. Nice!
Also the part about getting the hand made hat thing was really well done.
The one nit-picking comment i have is with the line “My friends used to try on her work clothes when they came over the house and my teacher told her she couldn’t come back in for career day. She was jealous. ” Im not sure if Jealous is the right word. She was jealous of all the other mothers? Or hurt?
Thats all. Like i said it was a really satisfying story. Intelligent. Witty. And well-constructed.
Thanks for the read
PeanutButter reviewed Version 3 -
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This was a well written peice. I loved the ending, very moving. Although I think this could have been better if you had givine us a little description of Vic and Brian. It wasn’t until I got to the second paragraph that I discovered that this wasn’t Yaoi, gay romance, and that our narrator was a girl. The dialog is excalent but I just had a hard time visuallizing the whole thing. Good work though.
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