I raise my glass to thee….
Poetry / American Idol
Praise be the ghost of unwedded parents,
either or of vexation, unless frustration,
fixated, hinged, flustered by many rents,
costs unbeknown, by many cause flirtation
of or for the ballads of songs purchased,
infamy rise to melodies of interest, divine
child be judged by social mediocrity blessed
hues of all colors or ages cling to vine;
somber tree of persecution, unwind and stop,
dissidence unsettled among all patrons, pop:
arguably, music form, unfree, abandoned,
causes strife within soul, true disillusion.
No, it’s the idolizing that is wanted, branded
unto the child’s eye, otherwise delusion;
foward…abusement.
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imara219 reviewed Version 1 -
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“of or for the ballads of songs purchased,” this didn’t quite flow right, the “of or” sounds clunky. “abusement” this or amusement? I actually like this, I know it doesn’t have stanzas or that it isn’t nicely divided but I don’t think it has to be. This is a free verse poem and I loved the point you were trying to make—even though at first I thought you were going to strictly talk about the “sinful/poor/underbelly” of American society or the American dream deferred—then you progressed to the show and I didn’t mind a bit. This does have a lot of promise, but I don’t know if it can be published in a lit magazine. I think it fits in a book of your own works.
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Waldo_Pharce reviewed Version 1 -
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You have many phrases that all have meaning. The flow of these phrases used by themselves are very good. It is the combined collection that really has me perplexed. I believe you have talent, but you need to have more focus. Please keep writing these ideas down and keep them. I can see about 20 different ideas for poems here, but not in the same poem.
Wayne reviewed Version 1 -
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One of the things that I hate about this points system is that I have to criticize you; otherwise it’s not worth spending the points to read.
That said, this is pretty great. I’m no slouch, and this is one of the best poems I’ve read on here. Your flow is amazing. If I’m right, then you’ve done a great job nailing the tone you were going for. You flirt with rhyme, but you’re not stuck on it and the reader almost doesn’t even notice that you were doing it at all. I’m a fan.
To make this worth the points you’re spending to read it, I feel like the second half was stronger than the first half. Literally, mid-way through it clicked for me and I had to go back to reread the begin after I’d absorbed the end. Like I said, you walk this great line of loose rhyme, but the “parents/rents” thing is kind of glaring.
That’s it though. I really like this. Probably the best poem I’ve read on here. I think I’m so moved that I’m going to send you a friend invite.
Cheers,
lilbitcraze reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem has very good use of words. The feelings are expressed are unique. The structure and flow made me fel the words. Great poem.
RunningWolf reviewed Version 1 -
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Giant range of words. For the higher intellect may, they know, but to the average sole your words will be a challenge, unless it’s open to interruption. To quote the TV show host, of American Idol,..It was not memorable.
icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t get it. I can make a guess that you are making your great statement of dislike of the show American Idol and all that it represents. But I might be wrong. The problem is your writing tries so hard to be meaningful and mysterious and just comes off as someone who threw a lot of big words together and hoped it would be profound. The piece lacks clear focus. There are no solid images here for people to cling to, just a bunch of scattered ones (that are not very clear). You are not accomplishing what you were seeking to do.
“child be judged by social mediocrity” I think this line is the most clear. However it is tired. Social mediocrity, man never heard that before.
“arguably, music form, unfree, abandoned, causes strife within soul, true disillusion” You are mixing metaphors here. First you say it (pop) is restrained then you call it abandoned. then you spout about it causing strife within the soul…well any music can do that. Music is a window into people’s souls, just because the style is not your favorite doesn’t make it any less emotionally powered. Then ‘true disillusion’ which means two things: either ‘without enchantment’ or the ‘state of being without illusion’. So either pop is without enchantment or real.
Okay. I’m done ranting. The piece is not good. I think you should consider a rewrite or scrap it. Child, you have been judged, and this piece is mediocre.
bahamianpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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well i loved your use of word play on a topic wich most of us understand at somepoint i didnt completly get the illusion but i re read it and i understood where you were coming from and i fairly enjoyed it
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