Thank you thank you!
This piece was entered as my English Language coursework (of course I had editted more of it before the deadline so this is one of the draft versions)
Thank you for the review!
Short Story / Yukari Tsubasa (Analysis)
NOTE: The middle section of this story needs work on but I can’t figure out how, I would like a good review on how to improve the flashback.
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Dust fluttered onto the walls of the girl’s nostrils as she was dragged by her bony wrists carelessly across the stone floor. A dainty, large medical dress hung loosely to her petite frame, those long model legs sticking out the other end. Yukari Tsubasa had been starved in poverty for the past 42 hours. The only minerals and nutrients entering her system were chemically processed liquids from a tube. On first impressions, she looked like a cancer patient.
Seventeen years ago, Yukari was born with the supernatural ability of foreseeing the future. Her broad spectrum of power in premonitions was starting to amaze the world around her. A group of hungry scientists bought her body like a piece of meat from the butchers for 30 million Yen. It angered Yukari that her parents would let her go so passively. Did she mean nothing to them? All those bedtime stories, motherly kisses and fatherly hugs have shrunk as small as the dust entering Yukari’s respitory system.
WOOSH!
Yukari’s body was thrown into the pit of Hell. The testing chair. The scientist’s skeletal fingers digged and poked at her defenceless body, hooking brain tabs and crocodile clips to her skull like a monkey ready for animal testing. Her nervous system was numb, cold and desolate. Nothing could fill her anymore apart from the heart wrenching pain of loneliness and abandonment. Nothing in this world could make her feel human again and she was no longer proud of her talent. It has become a curse, ridiculing her brain from the reality she yearned.
The gruesome scientists had moved behind the glass screen now, clicking and pressing away at their technological equipment. One of the female scientists, Suki Mae, had hauled down the leaver to the power. A splurge of energy blasted down the lines of wires, through the walls and into the brain tabs on Yukari’s hollow skull. The pain she felt within the nerves of her skin was horrific and it hurt every time. A soft teardrop trickled down her alabaster skin, soaking into her hair. As Yukari’s muscles relaxed around her forehead and eyes, they were soon jolted abruptly by her own surge of power. It was time to foresee…
FLASH!
My eyes gaze at the tired waves as they lapse onto the golden shore with relief. That radiant moon glaring onto my ivory skin, exposing my imperfections and one long scar on the surface of my cheek. Gentle flourishes of wind weave through my fingers, my lungs also taking in the energising oxygen. The Sun has just gone down and the Moon just risen like Yin Yang in motion. No matter how peaceful this moment was a deep trench of doom brews like a boiled pot of poison in my stomach.
What is going to happen? I keep asking myself.
Suddenly, glittering in the sky above me was an object my eyes couldn’t resist to glance at. A strong glint of light is gradually growing brighter the more I stared. This isn’t natural; this is no spaceship, no UFO or satellite. This is something different.
My neurons were processing the possibility of this bright object. As time passes through the daze of thorough thought, the sky begins to buzz and hum. I glance up again, the bright object has burnt through the atmosphere already, and its granite-self has caught fire rapidly. I couldn’t move from the spot. My toes, my skin, my pigments are wedged
into the soil and beautiful green grass beneath my feet. I have been expecting this all along; somehow I knew this was going to happen.
I step to the edge of the cliff and inhale the soft breeze which is slowly accompanied by the smell of sharp ash and sulphur. A once bright light has formed into an asteroid before my eyes. The rock formations brim with a light aura like a universal halo.
A tear falls down my cheek and rolls off my chin as the asteroid nears the calm sea below, a tail of fire streaming the air with gas. I close my eyes for a split second and then open
them, ready to endure.
A brutal rip-roar boom hollers through the sound waves. Rushing towards the sea like a Hiroshima bomb, the asteroid thrust through the surface of the water. Ripples morph into waves and they shift to global. Mixes of silence and wavered ambiences pulsed through the air, tremoring my tiny eardrums.
One singular tidal wave raises hundreds of feet into the air. Not an inch of fear can be felt in my nervous system now. I want this more than anything, more than freedom, more than life.
The monstrous wave fired forward, its watery substance roaring as it tore through the oxygen in the dense air. My pupils dilated as my expression widened to a stare, the tidal wave thrusting towards me, its taller self towering over me like a monster ready to sweep me away.
The wall was inches from me now, I yearn to touch it. My instincts commanded my next movement. As I raised my trembling hand, a surge of tingling sensations buzzed through my fingertips and the wave froze, suspended in seconds; all time and life paused with it. My flaring hair gradually came to a halt but my heart thundered on. I pushed my skinny hand towards the water and touched it with my fingertips. Droplets of water and crumbs of rock slowly fell through suspended time towards me, gently knocking onto my face and tumbling off elegantly. After years of being locked up like a trapped rabbit, it was time to escape from this madness, time to end the misery. There is no time for love, happiness or euphoria anymore. All that matters is to get away from this world.
My lips slowly parted, I pushed my vocals to speak wherein, I whispered gently.
“Thank you…”
I thrust my hand into the wave and time lapsed, speeding up at hurling force and the wall of water, of monster struck through the air like lightening and pounded onto my fragile, helpless body where my mind was drowned in darkness.
FLASH!
Yukari screamed out of her trance. The wires were in overdrive, surging with excess amounts of brain energy. The horrified scientists behind the screen were in an uproar of panic, their screens flashing red with alert.
“Miss Mae, Miss Mae!” screamed a male scientist. Miss Mae hauled herself over in obvious fear, reading the expression of her colleagues.
“Yu-Yukari has foreseen the impossible!” hissed the male scientist over the repetitive bleeping from the corrupt machines.
“The apocalypse…” murmured Miss Mae, her brown eyes widening. She moved her hand towards the screen, an image of Yukari raising her own in front of the wave flickered across the pixels. Miss Mae traced her fingertips across the contours of Yukari until her body jolted awake at the sound of the ringing phone on the desk opposite her. Miss Mae ran towards the phone and lifted it to her ear.
“Hello?” she panted, still in a state of shock.
“Miss Mae, it’s the senior astrologer at NASA. We have devastating news.”
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carousel reviewed Version 2 -
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Jessica42 reviewed Version 2 -
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TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 2 -
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juiceylinda reviewed Version 2 -
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very well written..enjoyed it…good luck
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ShiriHatcher reviewed Version 2 -
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I love your story. Its very descriptive and the fact that the ending was about Yukari escaping the lab is the best part in a way. For an example, these sentences:
“A brutal rip-roar boom hollers through the sound waves. Rushing towards the sea like a Hiroshima bomb, the asteroid thrust through the surface of the water. Ripples morph into waves and they shift to global. Mixes of silence and wavered ambiences pulsed through the air, tremoring my tiny eardrums.”
Those lines paints a picture for the reader to understand which is a good thind. It also makes us imagine how powerful the actions is. The writing is like a regular novel, you would see in a bookstore. Good job. This story is strong enough for me to give you high ratings.
bliz13 reviewed Version 2 -
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Are you really only 16?? Thie is excellent writing for any age.Your stlye is original and exciting.The two things that you will have to work on are pace and building up of the setting.Be a bit more loose with the emtions.
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