Thank you for the review! :) There are many more Winterhaven pieces posted on my page – they are never in order though, so you kind just have to sort through them and piece them together in your head. I’m working on putting together everything. Thanks again.
Young Adult / Winterhaven - School 2
I kept my head down in an attempt to avoid the falling sleet, and although my efforts were in vain, I approached the main office soon enough. Stepping through the doorway into a depressingly small room, I finally lifted my head, allowing dark, wavy hair to fall and stick to my slush-soaked face, bangs swept to the side by the wind. It was warm in the little office, too much so for my liking, so I pulled at the arms of my white, fur-trimmed jacket while searching for someone to speak to.
Moving silently and quickly by habit towards the lone desk in the room, I suddenly noticed a small blond head buried in a tall stack of papers, oblivious to the fact someone had approached her little administrative fortress. Impatient, and trying to avoid any alone time with the humans, I stuck my hand out and tapped freshly manicured, crimson nails on the lacquered surface. A tiny, frazzled looking woman shot her head up at the sound in surprise.
”Oh, dear, hello! You crept up on me there, didn’t you? Of course, once I get going in all this paperwork, I just get lost and become dead to the world!”
Lady, if you don’t stop gabbing on, while your heart beats hard enough for me to feel the pulse, and there is no one around to hear you scream, you will be dead to the world.
”Now – you look new, you must be new. Hmmm, let’s see here. Morgan, right? Am I right? I apologize dear, I’ve forgotten your name. Just so many children, and with a mind like mine-” I would not be able to handle this for much longer; the woman had the unfortunate resemblance at the moment to one of those shivering, yapping Chihuahua puppies I’d always hated.
”Lillian. Lillian Morgan. Yes, I am new. Would you please be able to help me find a schedule, I believe I’m a bit late by now.”
”Yes, yes of course.” The woman mumbled nonsense to herself while sifting through a nearby pile of folders, and eventually handed over a thick, stapled packet. “Now, dear, your schedule is there on top, followed by a map of the school – not that you’ll need it with the campus being so small. Also, some school policies and vacation schedules, some forms your parents will need to sign . . . all there I think. But now I’m just holding you up. Run off to class and come back if you’ve any questions. Welcome to Winterhaven, sweetie!”
Most of the Chihuahua’s words were lost on me; I had tuned out mid-sentence when my attention was drawn to a boy leaning against a locker just outside the doors. If I focused, I could hear his rhythmic breathing, feel the slow, gentle thump of his heart. An intoxicating combination, and as much as I knew I could not dwell on the boy, it was hard to ignore. Lucky for the boy, an obnoxious bell sounded and students began to file out of classrooms, crowding the hallways and not only hiding the boy from view, but making it too difficult to focus on him any longer.
But he was different. I could not yet make out exactly how, but I knew something was there – or maybe something was missing. I could still faintly feel the staccato of the heartbeat, and hear the light, nasal breathing, but this boy was devoid of blood – or I could not, for some reason, catch his scent. This was not completely unheard of, though I had only experienced the annoyance once or twice before. I did not panic, and almost as quickly as I had noticed, it was forgotten. At least for the meantime.
The boy was beautiful, distractingly so, with his square jaw and sculpted nose; his eyes were an odd shade of blue; matching the clouded gray Winterhaven sky. And by the looks of the gaggle of girls batting their lashed and giggling hello every time they passed him by, I was not the only one captivated by him. Yet oddly enough, the boy appeared obviously uninterested (in a relationship, possibly?). He looked repulsed even (gay?) by the swarm of obnoxious girls. There was something off about this boy, but I was not about to draw attention to myself trying to figure it out. No, I needed to lay low until the probing, new girl looks I was bound to receive wore off.
Pulling on my jacket and clutching the new student packet, I shot a quick appreciative nod towards the receptionist, who was already buried beneath her tower of papers, and prepared myself to once again brave the harsh weather. Students milled all around me, gossiping and laughing, enjoying the few minutes they had between classes, unaware of the vampire that was now among them
If only you knew of the creature walking beside you; enjoying the scent of your blood, craving a taste. Thank The Code, humans, it is the only thing saving you.
Glancing at the now damp papers in my hand, I saw that history would be my first class, in building C. Ha, history in these schools never failed to amuse me. Either half the textbook’s information was incorrect, or I had experienced firsthand a chapter or two. It would be a boring period, scribbling useless notes for an inevitably pointless test. Although I was walking quickly – in an attempt to make it to the class on time – the stiletto boots I wore made no sound on the blanket of snow that now covered the ground. I slipped into a drab-looking classroom as the starting bell rang, and I sat the an empty table by the door. I could feel dozens of eyes staring but, being in no mood to be interesting or social, I gazed down at the desk, allowing my hair to fall, hiding most of my face.
That was when the voice began.
The first time I heard it I was startled, but the second time I became curious and alert. The voice was deep and soothing, a silky baritone. It had been so long since someone had come into my mind, my immediate reaction was to assume I was daydreaming – or hearing things. Yet as the voice refused to retreat, I became astoundingly aware of the only explanation.
There was another vampire attending this school, pretending as I was to be an ordinary teenager.
Slowly, I lifted my head and surveyed the room, carefully studying the boys for even the slightest sign or smell. Unfortunately, everyone was now focused on their textbooks as they should have been, and all smelled basically the same – delicious, with warm, thick blood flowing through their veins. The boy closest to me, a well-built blond, was O positive – common and boring, but just as mouth watering as the pretty B negative two rows in front of me.
I was relieved when the final bell rang at the end of the day, and I headed towards the student lot where my purposely bland white Toyota sat waiting. Just as I turned the key in the ignition, a sharp rap on the driver’s side window caused me to jump. Forcing a weak smile on my face, and preparing to fight the constant urge to break The Code, I turned slightly towards the window, where I froze in surprise. Rather than facing a teacher or student as I had expected – and dreaded – I found myself staring into the face the beautiful boy I had seen that morning – the boy I could not smell.
I had forgotten about him and the possibilities of his situation, due to his lack of scent. My father would be disappointed in me for being so unaware of my surroundings; I had essentially let my guard down, not watching carefully enough. Especially for being back in this town. But it made perfect sense to me now and, lucky for me, it was not as threatening a circumstance as it could have been.
The face I was now staring at, ruddy through the tinted glass of my window, belonged to the caressing voice that had kept me company throughout the day.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Most of this sounds familiar, but some of it (mostly the description of Lillian) is new to me. Is the description of her clothing new? She seems tougher than before. I thought she was dealing with a dilemma when she first arrives at Winterhaven (feeding on animals rather than humans). She seems rather vicious right off the bat now. I think it’s important for the protagonist to go through a dramatic change. In this passage she doesn’t seem to be dealing with any inner conflict.
Proofreading notes:
A tiny, frazzled-looking woman (Is this the blonde? If so, it would be good to make this connection.)
Would you please be able (be able awkward IMO)
for the meantime (Do you mean for the time being? The meantime is the time between two events.)
blue; matching (should be a comma)
lay low = lie low
mouth watering = mouthwatering or mouth-watering
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CloClo reviewed Version 1 -
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I was really engaged from the very begining which is obviously very important in a piece such as this. At first I was shocked to see the violence in the small print, which soon became obvious they were lillian morgan’s thoughts but as the story progressed it clicked that it she was a vampire and it all fell to place.
It sounds really intresting and I shall be waiting for any more work to follow after this piece, I really enjoyed it.
Well done!
Chloé
Jan_Glinton reviewed Version 1 -
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Your first sentence was striking; I could see immediately that the style of your writing is very unique and interesting because it smacks of a 19th century novelist trying to write in a 21st century way. I like it loads! What happens next ;) ??? One typo: “lashed” should be “lashes”. Cheers!
ninjaj5 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is somewhere in between written too well for young crowd and yet not nearly written well enough for the older set of the young adult genre.
CallmeJane reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m not quite sure of what the Code is yet. Perhaps I missed it in one of your earlier writings. What I enjoyed about this piece is how vivid you made it. I felt as though I was sitting in the classrooms with Lillian. You painted the picture well for me, including the feeling she had with the thumping of the humans veins, and the smell of the humans. From what I’ve read so far, I think that you should find yourself a publisher if you haven’t already. This has the makings of being a great book.
Lirpastar reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like this story. That says a lot because normally, I’m not a big fan of vampire/science fiction stories. You have a wonderful way with words, I caution you however that if your audience is young adult, some of the language is a little unrealistic for this audience….although your character is a vampire who might be a thousand years old…so maybe that is what you were going for? Anyway, I am really interested to read more. Excellent work.
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