hehehh it’s about my best friend but i like your interpretation even though it’s awkward given reality!
Poetry / a place where arrivals herald departures
the last place i saw you was
a corpse-still building without a
heart, just a million empty seats
and windows tinted to turn the departing into ghosts
and no room for holding onto love
you forgot your wallet but took
my vital organs, i swear
i’m not speaking figuratively –
my blood cells were as secure in your veins
as you, strapped into a plane
without a parachute
i wanted to search the sky
for your tiny face, hovering
above streets we had driven
where i never meant to say goodbye
to you
but after your takeoff i returned
to nothing:
sunflowers on my dashboard
shriveling to the scent of dead flesh,
a deflating balloon,
and absence, that apathetic soldier
who fires again and again, mechanically
for months after our bodies
have fallen.
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Rayn reviewed Version 1 -
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Maybe it’s my 3 years in a long distance relationship, but I really understand this piece. I think you did very well describing the desolate feeling of an airport when someone is leaving, and the empty feeling that smacks you day after day after day when you realize that person is still gone.
I have a little trouble with the last few lines in the second stanza; they don’t quite work for me. Also, the last line of the first stanza seems to diminish rather than enhance the thought. If it were mine, I would probably remove that one.
I really like this one. Nice job with the atmosphere.
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solitary_note reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really interesting piece, but i get a little lost in its meaning. I think just because the dramatic situation is a little vague to me. I get that it is about some kind of loss, and if that is all you were trying to get across then you got it, but i guess there are some things that i would like to see clearer….like….what kind of loss it is. However, i truly do like your images and metaphors. “corpse-still building” is wonderful, and the last stanza is full of bright images that flash through my mind. So I would just try to clarify the dramatic situation a bit, and see what comes of it. :)
dukelemoyne reviewed Version 1 -
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Warning: not a poetry expert.
I know this is probably a symptom of our national collective consciousness, and it will be for some time to come, but the first thing I thought of was 9/11. A lover in one of the Towers looking for a lover on one of the planes.
A more general take, of course, is that a lover is left behind for a trip to take care of “business,” the all-too-frequent adulterous other in the modern world.
Nice work, very evocative of heartbreak and abandonment.
Thanks for the read.
socrates2004 reviewed Version 1 -
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you forgot your wallet but took
my vital organs,
These rung in mind and soul clearly. Everything else was confusing. These two lines carry the feeling.
Jamie_Rocks reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it, I think you have a lot of talent in poetry writing. Although I’m kind of young, so I didn’t really understand the full message (though I guess that’s not something you can help) what I did get i really liked. Good job.
bowmorebill2 reviewed Version 1 -
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It reads like you were writing from experiance, liked it.
RunningWolf reviewed Version 1 -
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I would not say cheaply. this tells me of organ donation. Well written, excellent structure. Artistic spin on death/reuse. Excellent Piece
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