Sci Fi & Fantasy / Jester (Revised II) (Analysis)
As the sun began to set on another day in Philadelphia a women with long black hair made her way to the roof of bookstore that sat near the slums. The setting sun cast a beautiful orange glow over the cement floor. Looking to move new bookshelf down into the store Razine Rose searched the roof top. To her left was the adjacent pawn shop that stood a story higher than the bookstore. Before her were four vents, spewing small grey clouds thanks to the cold air. Gripping her black vest she wished that she had wore a jacket. To her right was the door that she had came out of and in the right corner was what she had come for. Behind her round frame glasses Razine’s marble brown eyes scanned the piles of wood. Shaking her head she couldn’t hide her Moroccan accent, “Jester is good at a lot of things, but building isn’t one of them. At least he didn’t set the whole thing on fire like the table.”
Raising an eyebrow Razine noticed that the wind had changed direction. Reaching into the inside of her vest Razine felt someone watching her. Suddenly the sound of heels on concert caught Razine’s ears as she took her hand from out of her vest. Turning around Razine eyes narrowed, “Well, aren’t I the lucky one. I get to entertain Makoto Tanaka, looking for a book?”
Standing, slightly smaller than Razine, was a woman with soft pale skin. Wearing a white outfit with a red rose coming down the left side, Makoto’s slanted jade green eyes scowled at Razine, “I’m not happy to see you and I know the feelings mutual, so just tell me where Jester is.”
Placing a hand on her curvy hips Razine smiled a sly smile, “Wish I knew?”
Gritting her teeth Makoto forced a smile, “Somehow I just don’t believe you.”
Razine could see strapped behind Makoto’s back was a sword of at least two feet long. She also could see that a red dragon head inside of a black circle resided in the middle of the blade, “So you’ve returned to the Dragon House. Guess grandpa couldn’t stay mad at his only granddaughter forever. So do you want Jester or the Dragon House?”
“Razine, the Dragon house knows all about Jester dealing with Vampires,” Makoto admitted as she sat on the ledge of the roof, “but that’s not what the Dragon House is interested in. You know the Vampire Council signed a treaty with us 200 years ago. They were not to turn any humans on American soil and we refrain from hunting the disgusting maggots down. You know they turned a young college girl a few weeks ago. A young vampire loose in Philly, the murders would rise so much the mundanes would start getting concern. Although you could understand that since you were a mundane.”
Razine’s eye began to twitch. It had been a long time since someone had brought up the fact that Razine was brought into this world of myths instead of born. Taking a breath Razine thought for a second, “This is bull. Makoto doesn’t have any proof of anything, she’s fishing for information. If the Dragon House knew Jester was harboring Victoria Makoto wouldn’t be here, every student with the Dragon Seal would. If the Dragon house can get Victoria it would be enough proof to begin a war with the vampires, a war between the Dragon House and the Vampire Counsel would be WWII all over again.”
“Razine I really don’t have a lot of time to be here right now so tell me where Jester is. You know the two of us go way back and,” Makoto placed her hand of her heart as if it ached, “…and I just want to help.”
Razine barley heard what Makoto was saying. Razine was so trying to find a way to dispose of Makoto long enough for Jester to return with a plan. Looking Makoto over Razine gritted her teeth. Makoto was younger by a few years, but she had toned up since they had last met. Not to mention, Makoto no longer carried herself as a scared little girl, but more like a real warrior. Razine wasn’t sure if she could beat her, but Makoto had fallen out of a tree when she was a child. She landed on her knee and even now it was well known that her knee hadn’t healed perfectly. Razine just needed an edge, the kind that only blind range can give. Placing a smirk on her face Makoto started, “So you want to help him? I mean it’s been awhile, sure you don’t want to help yourself to him.”
Makoto’s face turned bright red from Razine’s words. Seeing Makoto starting to scowl she pressed on, “I mean waiting two years after his wife dies and then you make the pounce. Too bad those two years don’t really count since everyone believed that Spyder killed off every one with Jester blood in their veins. It’s funny, how you and the Dragon House were so concern about the Jester Clan that you launched a full on search for the assassin, oh wait you didn’t.”
Makoto’s entire body was shaking as fire burned in her eyes. Gripping the shaft of her weapon she slowly drew it. All around the air became heavy as the cold air whipped past the two women. Razine could practically feel the rage building in Makoto. Pointing the blade at Razine Makoto’s voice began small, “You think you know me? You think that I am that un feeling?”
“Ah come on Makoto,” Razine shouted, ignoring the hairs on her neck standing on end, “It’s because of you that Jester’s father leveled a small temple in Kuwait. You told him that Jester was in love with his servant girl and that the two of them ran off to marry all because he was a gentleman and told you to your face that he wouldn’t marry you.”
“Shut Up!” Makoto roar. Her body was shaking so violently that she couldn’t hold the sword steady, “I died when I heard what had happened to the Jester family. I died knowing that the only man I’ve ever love; the man who took my first kiss was dead. For those two years I went without a heart and a soul. I made one mistake and by going to Jasu, a mistake that has haunted me every hour since then.”
“Very touching,” Razine said arms cross. An odd smell of sulfur passed Razine’s nose as she continued, “Or are you mad that he preferred a servant girl to you and your bull-“
Razine couldn’t finish as Makoto had blitz Razine with her sword. The sound of steel clashing against steel filled the air as Razine just in the nick of time had drawn and blocked with her three prong knife. With the blades grinding against one another Razine could see tears in Makoto’s eyes. Razine tried to suppress the guilt she felt for sending Makoto into this rage. Pushing away from each other, Makoto pressed a jewel button that rested on the hilt of her sword. Pressing it the blade feel apart into seven fragments, held by a strong metal wire. Makoto skillfully began swinging the now whip like blade over her head she glared at Razine, “You’ve sent me back to a very dark place, I’m about to show you a little of the hell I went through for two years.”
Faster than lightning Makoto snapped her bladed whip at Razine, forcing her foe closer to the edge, “What happened to that big mouth of yours? Why so quiet Razine?”
As the whip came down once more Razine was slow to getting out of the way. This time the blade slid past her back, slicing through her flesh. Falling to the ground Razine knew she had only one trick that she could do to try and even the playing field. Trying to get to her feet she noticed something. Climbing down from the pawn shop wall was a little black object. Looking harder Razine saw that it had eight legs like a spider and was a long as a German Shepherd. Glancing back at Makoto Razine noticed that the sulfur smell was getting stronger. After pressing the button on her sword and returning the blade into a whole, Makoto made her way to Razine. Laughing like a Saturday morning cartoon villain, Makoto placed her white heel boots on Razine’s throat, “Don’t worry Razine. I’m not going to kill you. I’m just going to leave a nice scar on your face. That way every time you see yourself you remember that your mouth earned you that scar, and that you will reflect-“
Razine couldn’t stand dimwits who talked when they need to act and so, to shut Makoto up she bit her, right on her ankle. Reeling back Makoto grabbed her foot. Seeing Razine back on her feet, she readied for a charge when an ear piercing shriek split the air. Turning her head Makoto now noticed the little monster who was now watching a second climb down the wall. As she watched more spider like creatures piled over the wall. As they massed the sulfur smell became more over powering. Fanning out the creatures surrounded the women as their numbers continued to grow. Drawing a red scarf from her back pocket Razine used it to cover her nose and mouth. Like a western bandit she hid her face, hoping the scarf would help filter the smell. Then high up on the pawn shop, the women spotted two figures, a man and a woman. The man was built like a fridge and held a dagger that looked more like an antique then a real weapon. The woman was slender with red hair. Sitting inside of a razor hoop she gently kissed one of the spider creatures before sending it off. With a snap of her fingers the creatures let up a united shriek that could be heard all over the city. Holding their ears Razine and Makoto watched as the creatures launched themselves at them.
A cocky smile fell on Makoto’s face as she pressed her jewel button and in a twirling dance slice everything that came close to her. As she cut her foes down Makoto jeered Razine, “So did you summon these monsters?”
“If they were why would they attack me too,” Razine said as her eyes began to glow white. With her sai in hand she contorted her fingers into forming a ninja symbol. On command her own shadow reared up and tackled Razine before any of the spiders could. Sliding through Razine the spiders looked dumbfound. Turning they saw a black figure, wrapped in a void of darkness. Smiling Razine taunted the beast, “Poor things. Don’t you know you can’t touch a shadow?”
The two made short work of the few creatures that had attacked them. Even though they were still surrounded the two stood strong waiting for the next creature to challenge them. With a cryptic laugh the man spoke, “Razine, Master of the Shadow Jiujutsu and the daughter of the Headmaster of the Dragon House. My we have stumbled on a rare sight, Now haven’t we Spinneret?”
“We were suppose to only kill the Dragon House girl, but knowing we also slue a ninja as well known as you, it would be twice the honor, “Spinneret said more to Razine then to the man. Returning to the man she smiled her fangs showing, “Caesar, do you think Omar would be proud?”
“Omar,” Makoto questioned to herself, “They are not sent by the Vampire Counsel but by the hybrid vampire, Omar. Is Omar the one who’s controlling all this?”
“Still mad at me or is your curiosity starting to take over,” Razine asked noticing Makoto’s face.
“I’ll pay you back, don’t worry,” Makoto said with a sly smile, “But you weren’t going to give me the information I wanted so I guess I’ll have to question one of them. The fat one seems to be the ringleader so you can play with his gothic girl if you like. Just be careful, they both are Summon Demons. They play on a level way beyond these spiders.”
Wishing she hadn’t forsaken her weapon’s mate on a trip to Israel Razine knew that this was not going to be easy. With stern eyes the women readied themselves.
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I enjoyed reading this, it seems like you have a really good plot in mind, and I really think it would make a great story. Your characters are interesting, and you seem to have a clear idea of who they are and what you want them to do, that is a great start.
As far as pace goes it feels a little rushed, you have a lot to work with here, yet it feels like you are flashing right through it. Slow down and take some time to really flesh out Razine and Makoto’s physical apperance, their mood, their surroundings. You want the reader to have a very clear picture in their mind of who they are reading about.
There are a few minor punctuation errors and some grammar issues. It seems a little choppy, a lot of the sentences are short and don’t really say much. Try stretching out some of your descriptions and combining some sentences.
“Looking to move new bookshelf”
Should be ‘Looking to move a new bookshelf’
“Wish I knew?”
You probably want a period instead of a question mark since this is a statement and not a question.
“Razine could see strapped behind Makoto’s back was a sword of at least two feet long”
The structure here is wrong, you might want to try rewording it:
‘Razine could see a sword strapped behind Makoto’s back. It was at least two feet long….’
“Sitting inside of a razor hoop” What does that mean? Is the woman in the hoop or is the spider? Is the hoop suspended in air? How is she sitting in it and why?
I think this has a lot of potential, you seem to be in control of your story. Now just take some time to slow down and really flesh it out. You are off to a fantastic start, I have no doubt that this will be a great read!
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Very interesting read, not much of a Si-Fi fan myself, but I quite liked this
Very well done the grammatical errors could be fixed, though. I think that the character.. Razine is a well played out formed character, you’re description of the entire setup was in-depth. Although some of the characters sound like I’ve seen them in a video game or something. Other than that, the plot was consistent and interesting, the action was good and intriguing, and over all great composition.
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The action flows well and character development is smooth. Kudos to you.
Let me be honest with my own bias, fellow writer. I am not usually a sci-fi fan because the genre has been beat to death by so many pretenders. You’re not one of them, but perhaps you understand where I’m coming from?
And for some reason, Sci-Fi to me needs to have a kind of Orwellian dystopia component in which what is described in the text could really happen in reality. So be aware of that. That isn’t a criticism of you, just letting you know that this isn’t my cup of tea usually. You have your own bias, I’m sure.
My first thought upon reading your opening sentence was, “Why is this woman on the roof of a bookstore?” And my next thought was, “What’s a half-finished bookshelf?” Your first sentence can have elements that make the reader ask themselves questions. That’s fine. But the answers to these need to be immediate. Instead of explaining the reasons for her situation, you go into overloading details as to what she looks like. And another question: “Why is she sighing?” She then groans and it’s somewhat stated that her reasons for being “blah” are because of someone named Jester. In my humble opinion, there’s just too much going on in your first paragraph.
Spelling errors: distain – disdain, brunet – brunette.
“Her Asian features mixed well with her Caucasian ones.” This is a classic example of “telling, not showing.” What about her features? Was it the way her nose pointed? Was it a small mouth with teeth that seemed to big for it?
“This was a serious slap in Makoto face and losing her composure, Makoto fell into Razine’s trap.” Slap in the face is pretty much a cliche – Avoid these as much as possible. Also I think you’re putting too much energy into telling the reader what is happening. “Makoto was losing her composure…”What did she look like? Show the reader. Describe Makoto’s face becoming flushed or Makoto sneering as she puts her hands on her sword. Do you see what I’m getting at here?
Please don’t be discouraged by what I’ve said here. I’m not saying that you’re a bad writer, but you definitely need keep working on it (and reading!) to get better. Check out Stephen King’s “On Writing”. That’s a really good place to start for aspiring writers. If you have any questions feel free to email me. I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.
-Curt
I think the introduction needs to be worked on a little. The reader is thrown so much descriptive information about the woman on the roof that it all seems to be a little too much. It almost reads like a shopping list more than a description of a person.
The characters are still a little thin, too. There’s nothing much that makes me like either of them. Again there’s a lot of information thrown in very quickly about the both of them, and it would probably be better to lengthen he scene and allow it to develop more organically.
The atack from the spiders was abrupt and seemed to come from nowhere. Also, there were a few small things that stood out like the ‘stench getting worse’ when the stench had not been previously mentioned. Maybe throw in a strange smell a little earlier in the piece and have it worsen just before they attack.
There are also a few errors in typing/spelling through the piece, such as:
“dark skin” – “dark skinned”
“German Sheppard” – “German Shepherd”
Despite all this, there is definite potential in your writing. I think that you need to try to take longer over developing things, and mixing what you do. By that I mean don’t do ‘Block of description’, ‘Block of dialogue’, ‘Block of fighting’. Try to mix them, and you could end up with some good results.
I Really felt like i could see what was happening in this story! Exspecially in the begining the words were so descriptive. I really enjoyed this alot.
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