Well it was important enough to me… your point seems an odd one.
Flash Fiction / Five Young Bucks
Driving up List avenue in my jeep I stopped dead on the road. Five glistening young bucks stood in the playground. I watched them as they showed off their proud, lean, muscular bodies and short, nubby antlers. They were, oh, so proud of their little antlers. I could tell by the way they swung their heads.
I flashed my lights and waved my arms to indicate the five young bucks to others passing by. They drove around, too busy to look at the fleeting adolescence of the deer.
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A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 3 -
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An interesting flash; I like the way you describe the deer swinging their antlers. Maybe in “List avenue,” avenue should be capitalized? Also, love the last sentence! Good job!
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Cavol reviewed Version 3 -
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The good:
“nubby antlers” – I just like that.
The bad:
It’s short, yes, but in Flash Fiction, every word must count and in the first sentence, “list avenue” and “dead” have no impact.
“I could tell by the way they swung their heads.” – I can’t tell because I wasn’t there and you didn’t describe it. Swung their heads like what?
“I flashed my lights and waved my arms to indicate the five young bucks to others passing by.” – Incorrect wording – I think you mean something to the effect of ”...to warn others” or “make others wary…”.
“They drove around, too busy to look at the fleeting adolescence of the deer.” – If you changed this to something like, “they drove around, too busy to notice the fleeting adolescence of deer” – that alone makes this story twice as good because it becomes metaphorical commentary rather that specific commentary on deer – or at least, more apparently so. Plus it sounds better, I think.
The bottom line:
A great start and enjoyable still despite the long “bad’s”.
aliciatr reviewed Version 3 -
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Time is fleeting…for young bucks, for mankind, for nature itself. We all need to just slow down and enjoy it…instead of rushing through life.
Great piece.
Just one minor correction…”List avenue”...Avenue should be capitalized
marigold_etienne reviewed Version 3 -
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I don’t think the point of this story is important enough to warrant a piece about it. There should be more, not more in bulk, but it should mean more.
LadyMactans reviewed Version 3 -
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Interesting attempt at showing people’s carelessness and apathy. However, the description of the bucks is a little awkward and this doesn’t really fit into a story category. I would suggest working on the descriptive language a bit more and reformatting this into a kind of poem. It doesn’t really have enough to be considered a story and it doesn’t have the twist of flash-fiction.
medicalattache reviewed Version 3 -
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Protagoras reviewed Version 2 -
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as the stood < as they stood.
i’d begin a new sentence after ‘dead on the road’.
because of the of the < you’ve done something weird here/ typo
glitening < glistening
delete the ‘oh’ from the proud bit, reads terribly
well, even within 100 words or so, you couldn’t be bothered to proof-read your work.
let me just tell you, therefore, that if I could give minuses, then i certainly would for this alone.
but your failure to do this basic proof-reading also means i’m in no mood to be diplomatic, so here’s what I think:
it’s a drab, boring, dull, worthless, grey-coloured, uninteresting, appallingly badly-written, syntactically disabled, styleless, weak, impotent, poorly expressed, shambolic, depressing, mundane piece of non-work.
to improve, i suggest amputating your fingers to prohibit ever going near a keyboard again.
if you do, i might not be so generous with my next review.
-44/10
tildesk reviewed Version 2 -
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Good, but capitalize “List Avenue”. You don’t need the clarification of “five young bucks” in the last sentence.
saxmastadrew reviewed Version 2 -
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ParticoRomulus reviewed Version 2 -
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