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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / I HATE FOOTBALL
‘I HATE football.’
Joy!
There, I’ve said it, I’ve ushered the second most heinous phrase in Western civilisation (the first being: ‘I Love Gary Glitter’).
But it’s true: I just find the majority of football deeply boring. It’s more tedious than watching a documentary about a history of earthworms. It’s more annoyingly banal than reading about Paris Hilton. It’s even more sleep inducing than a Spice Girls concert and that IS saying something. The UK is a nation obsessed with football, whole weekends (including Bank Holidays!) devoured in the name of sport.
Why?
Who has decided we NEED all this tosh? (For those historians out there, that is my first ever sentence containing the word ‘tosh’!)
Who has decided in the sporting world that we do not want to watch cricket or golf or table-tennis or Judo or hopscotch or the Monopoly championships?
Don’t get me wrong: I am NOT anti-sport.
I enjoy watching gymnastics and motor racing and a bit of tennis. Hell, I even enjoy the odd rugby match, though this is only because I like to see the injuries.
I’d much prefer to watch a documentary about Stephen Hawking or Nazi Germany or Megan Fox In The Shower.
I do find the Olympics interesting. This is partly because it has a diverse range of activities from sprints to shot-putts to high jumps to the hurdles, but it is mainly because the female pole-vaulters are so God damn hot. Those stretching limbs and the ability to do the splits and . . . cough, cough.
Anyway, I like the Olympics because it comes every 4 years, which reminds me a lot of my sex life.
Similarly, I DO like the World Cup, because it’s an exciting event of nations competing against each other and because the female Brazilian fans are so brain-explodingly beautiful.
I don’t even mind Wimbledon, our national tennis competition, and that’s every year with zero chance of anyone born in Britain, living in Britain or being able to spell ‘Britain’ ever likely to win (or come in the last 32.)
So why do I hate football?
Is it for the same reason that women find it tedious? (Please, all you ladies, tell me.)
At school I thought all the football obsessed weirdoes were a bit obsessed (and weird) but now I’m an adult I’ve analysed it and have narrowed my attitude to football down to two main factors: quality and frequency.
I enjoy some high quality sports (as I’ve mentioned) but I think the problem with football in the UK is that it just isn’t that good. Sure, if you watch Manchester United play Liverpool or Manchester City, then because it’s seen as a grudge match (like Celtic vs Ranger in Scotland) it is usually exciting. But away from the Premier league the little interest I have begins to wane: why would I want to watch Burnley play Scunthorpe? Or Ipswich against Bristol? (The US equivalant here is Blanding, Utah vs Burlingame, CA). And why would I possibly want to watch men with no talent kick a small leathered sphere around some grass each and every week in the football season?
How is this:
(a) remotely interesting?
(b) remotely relevant to my life?
(c) remotely interesting?
It’s even SO dull I’ve had to mention it not being remotely interesting twice.
Sure, you watch Brazil in the World Cup and no matter who they play you know, just know, it WILL be entertaining . . .
But more than the quality aspect, I think the main reason I find 99% of football about as exciting as genital herpes is that it is relentless. You see, if football was once a month or if I watched it as a special occasion then I might – just might – see it as a treat. But I don’t. For not only are football matches shown in the UK on Saturdays, they are also broadcast during the week with highlights of the SAME BLOODY MATCH shown AGAIN, later on BBC AND ITV.
Do we REALLY need this much football?
Imagine if Sumo wrestling was piped to our screens all day Saturday, every Saturday from August to May each year? Or whippet racing? Or show jumping? Or fly-fishing? Or some other sport that is of little relevance to the majority of the 60 million people who live in the UK? There would be anarchy! FORCED to watch fat Japanese folks or whippets or horses or, er, flies, all the blokes with beer bellies and no brain cells would be up in arms – presumably because they wouldn’t be able to find their brain cells (both of them).
Like toy adverts in the run up to Christmas (which start in September, grrrrr), I just get sick of being bombarded about something I’m not interested in. I can’t even escape to to the pub because 95% of men’s conversations are about football (the other 5% are about women, in case you were wondering). But while live programmes about cheese or Swedish poetry or the ‘History of the Anvil, c1066-1945’ are not beamed to the world night and day it seems broadcasters think we WANT to suffer the same inane schedule when it comes to football.
I, for one, do not.
And if we add the 52% of the population who are women, I think that makes the beer bellies the minority!
So, football:
Once every 4 years, great.
Once every year, fine.
Once a month, hmmm, yeah I’ll go with that.
Once a week, er no thanks.
Every bloody day on every bloody channel, no chuffing way matey!
It’s now March so there’s another three long months to go before the season finishes and TV life becomes interesting once more. This should be a recipe for my mental breakdown and, without the chance for me to sit here (at work) and waste a good twenty minutes tapping my keyboard with the first random thoughts that fill my head, it WOULD be a recipe for my mental breakdown.
However . . .
There is a God!
Oh yes, indeedy, a God who does not frown at sinners, a God who does not tut at non-believers, a God who does not even Republicans or Man City supporters.
That God is: SKY SPORTS!
This is the ONLY positive thought in my rant and whoever owns it I thank you with both of my hardened nipples. It means – it MEANS ladies – that some of the football matches and documentaries and highlights and player profile and Top 100 Goals and Top 100 Saves and Top 100 Everything Else Football Related can finally – FINALLY – be booted off terrestrial TV to free up precious airtime for the more interesting intellectually rewarding programmes.
Like soaps, quiz shows, Celebrity We’re Not Racist Honest Big Brother and repeats of Friends.
Joy!
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samfreely reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m still laughing. Loved the sarcasm. Here’s to the end of dismal sports mate. Thank god baseball season here in the states is only six months long. It could be shorter but, hey, with the dribble that most americans call ‘quality television’, I’d take a four hour bore fest anyday over the likes of the newest Reality Clone. Hell even the History of Pottery would be more entertaining than Americas Next Top Model. Although that show is great when the mute button is on.
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NovemberDisaster reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha! I comepletely agree. I hate it but not as much as I hate BaseBall or Soft Ball or any thing like it. I like Hockey, but Im Canadian! (And yea I do need credits) It’s so boring, like watching the Dr.Zchvigo (or however you spell it) movie thats a bazillion hours long, or seems like it anyways. But, yea, I hate all the things you hate. Im glad somebody agrees with me.
It was a funny read by the way.
blackrosemage reviewed Version 1 -
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I hate football too. I don’t understand it for one, but watching guys pass a ball down a field to get a touchdown is boring. I would prefer to watch basketball. Going to a school highly involved with sports-related events, it makes me hate it worse and want to go bang my head against one of the concrete walls we have saying “Angst.” It is so annoying when everyone is like you are no wearing burgundy and gold! And I like dark colors…
I would prefer to be in my Calculus class(which is actually fun) lol.
Basically, I completely agree with your statement.
anb08 reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha, I agree, football isn’t remotely intersting. But I LOVE the Spice Girls. Just kidding.
joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny… about 1/4 way in, I forgot it was about football with all the segues. I liked it. But are the conversations really a 95:5 ratio? No WAY.
la_la_landian reviewed Version 1 -
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The female population worldwide salutes you :)
It was very funny, and fresh to hear a man complaining about sports :) I can assure you that US football is just as tiresome.
If there’s any criticism I can give, it’s that some of the witty comments are a bit random. It’s best to keep them relevant.
darkwriter reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this rather funny. I am one of the few women who do enjoy football. I could watch it probably everyday. But I loved your side of the story and how you just put it to paper, as to say! I am not from the UK and don’t know how much they really show of football.
But I must give you this I’d love to watch rugby for the injuries only, because I have no clue what is going on in that game!!
I hope you find some fix to your dilema when football season is once again upon us!
Summerland9889 reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny. Only word I can think of hilarious. Great writing style captured my interest. Thinking about going into journalism? ... you should
theunknown reviewed Version 1 -
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Eh, Im not a big fan of football either, but, here in the US, we arent exactly obsessed with the sport. I suggest that with public rants like this, expand on it a little bit. Go into depth, tie it with another subject. Branch it out.
As far as grammar goes, besides a few uncaptilized “I”s, you should be good to go. Also, Learn to use Tab, instead of skipping a line.
October_Rain reviewed Version 1 -
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finally someone who realizes football (soccer where i’m from) is a stupid stupid sport!
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