Journal, Diary, & Blogging / BIG BANG
The Big Bang theory is that all of the universe is the result of a sole point in time at which all matter exploded outwards with ferocious velocity. If you find this difficult to imagine, think of it as all the size zero idiots going on a curry and lager binge for a month: Nicole Richie being force-fed Prawn Madras and 12 bottles of Budweiser each meal, each day, for a month. (Wow, I’d pay good money to see that, though not my money obviously . . .)
Although the Big Bang theory does not fully explain anomalies like time travel or Michael Jackson, it does make a lot of sense. However, the problems I have with it are as follows:
1. If the entire universe is the result of the Big Bang (and I’m not talking a night in with Madonna’s friends), then what existed before the Big Bang? Alaska? Pot Noodles? A giant purple toenail called Edward? Was the universe a vast ocean of nothingness, merely an intellectual expanse of emptiness, like the inside of a TV presenter’s skull?
2. What is all of this matter expanding into? A gas has to expand into something, like a dense cloud of methane in a lift (‘elevator’ for our US friends). So if it’s expanding then what is beyond its edge? Grass? George Bush’s brain cell? Peckham? (It’s only fair to use the Peckham gag in both arguments.) If there is no edge to the universe does that mean it wraps around enabling time travel and wormholes and repeats of Star Trek (the original series, not these modern copy-cats).
3. If, as the pointy-headed scientists say, the universe will eventually stop expanding and will start to contract into itself, what happens when it retreats so much it’s the size of a pinhead? (Perhaps we can ask Nicole Richie this one?) The law of conservation of energy states that energy can not be created or destroyed, so where will all the matter go? It can’t just disappear . . . can it? Is there a gigantic plughole with our galaxy’s name on it? Perhaps it is turned into a single spec of dust? Or grain of sand? Or does it all end up as fluff underneath the sofa? Wow, all those years I’ve been ignoring those fluffy blue universes . . .
4. When the universe contracts will time go backwards? Will I have to go through puberty again, backwards? And watch The Waltons a second time, backwards? (Please, no.) Will we all live in some freaky parallel universe where Hilary Clinton doesn’t look like a robot and where Manchester City is a really good football team?
5. What happens when the time clock ends up at 00:00:00? Does it continue into negative time? (Wow, freaky!) Or does it start at 00:00:01 in the vain hope that a second go at the universe will create a new improved version of Hitler and dry roasted penauts?
I realise I’ve managed only five points, but I have far more doubts about God than I do the Big Bang. And theorising sure does beat working as an office slave. What do you think Nicole?
Is the Big Bang idea a coherent theory to explain the creation of the universe?
Discuss (25 marks).
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It’s an amusing and easy to read piece, and you make some good points, but your repeated listing of examples goes a bit overboard. I think your point would be much stronger, and the impact – comedic and otherwise – much better if you pared it down somewhat.
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“as time does not stand still, so man is ever moving
however, man is kind of like silly putty.”
I asked the same question when I was a young boy, “Who created God.”
If there was a big bang, I have no doubt the Creator lit the fuse.
I had a huge argument with my girlfriend about this. She believes in the big bang while I believe… somewhat… in the whole God made everything. But this discussion has gone on and will go on a)untill God comes and all of the church goin’ people are right or b)we all die and then find out that there is no God. But then we will all be too dead to care.
As for a review though I think that this was a funny read and point out alot of things that I tried to point out to my girlfriend. Too bad she wasent beside me to read it. Anyways I liked it and good job!!
Try ‘A short history of nearly everything’ Bill Bryson (Black Swan. 2004)
or have a look for ‘stellar nucleosynthesis’
Fred Hoyle coined the phrase ‘Big Bang’ but it was a theory in which he did not believe.
‘Every cluster of galaxies, every star, every atom had a beginning, but the universe itself did not.’
Your writing is only for fun, but an unresearched piece tends to the tedious.
I’m sure you enjoyed writing it. Perhaps you will research more, since the subject is of interest, and then perhaps publish something more profound.
I found the references to popular figures of our times tedious because of their predictability.
Carry on enjoying writing. I look forward to reading some more
Ha, interesting points all. And all about as valid as the arguments on both sides of the creation/evolution battle. I too would pay someone else’s money to watch Nicole Ritchie, Michael Jackson and Hillary be reduced to dust. Hell, I might even throw in a few $ of my own. I liked your approach to the whole subject too. I’m personally of the opinion that it’s all a joke. But what do I know? Good work.
Well I liked your explanation. Personally, I don’t believe in God or the Big Bang. There has to be some other answer but I’m really not sure what…I enjoyed reading this though. keep it up.
I love how you bashed all those people (especially Clinton) she does look like a robot. that bombing did brighten my day
Hahah, Michael Jackson. Bashing him makes it funny for me every time, so good on you there. Makes me wish I’d read the first so I could get the Peckham allusion. As far as criticism: it’s a clean draft. The only suggestion is that maybe the side commentary in the parentheses could be more imbedded into the argument, to keep it more “scientific” (even if in jest).
Excellently thought out and executed. Gave me a laugh, which I consider the most important part. applause
A little too much satire but cut down a little and it would be really witty
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