Thank you for the VERY helpful review. Wish you could follow me around and critique everything I write!
Poetry / Reverie at Sunlight
I was beautiful once.
and knew love by it’s first name.
It was brief,
But for a short while,
I knew what it was
to be valued;
and to feel like my feet
did not touch the ground.
It was a magic carpet ride,
flying and soaring and gliding through time
that seemed to never run out.
But there was less sand
than I imagined
in the hourglass of us.
It seems like forever ago
The last hour, the last minute,
The last second, in your arms.
Fingertips on my skin;
The gentleness of you.
Hearing you whisper my name
That sounded more like a song.
A song that only you could sing,
And only I knew the harmony.
Already anticipating missing you,
everything about that day
driving home
back to my life,
and into the opposite direction
from where you were,
felt wrong.
Like trying to read a language
I didn’t understand,
and didn’t want to learn.
I was beautiful once.
And felt love that was deafening
to the warnings of goodbye.
Until the song of my name was followed by
a sentence filled with misery.
Leaving my memories of joy
to now only stir up sorrow.
I would not undo knowing you.
Or learning your scary lesson
of love and trust.
By replacing my eyes
with your mirror,
you shook my heart until it woke up
and brought it back to life.
I am awake now, but
our magic carpet ride
Is over.
So despite the disappointment,
I am thankful
for the souvenirs.
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child_ofthe_darkheart reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the poem, I truly do. It is a wonderful piece of artwork and so colorful in a modest, cold hard truth kind of way. It gives you such of sense of feeling and creates a colorful picture in you mind of what the emotions you should feel are. I do not like the ending, it lacks something vital to finish such a wonderful work. Its that very last line that seems too dull for such a brilliant poem. It is truly the only thing I dislike about your poem and I truly do hope to read more of your wonderful work.
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drivenbygenes reviewed Version 1 -
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There are some very poignant lines. Like the first few made me wow, and I wanted to read more. And then came the magic carpet Aladdin reference, and that threw me off a bit. It was quite cheesy. I think the poem’s a bit too sappy and melodramatic for my taste, but then again, what would a love poem be without those ingredients?
Interval reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed reading this. It was generally well-articulated, and although it was sappy, it was a more intelligent and soft-spoken and unassuming sappy than most.
Watch the unneeded capitalization of the first words of the following:
Stanza 1 line 4
Stanza 3 lines 2, 3, 5, 7, 9
Stanza 6 line 10
Generally, you should stay consistent. So it would be alright if you were to capitalize the first word of every line, or leave the first word of every line lower-case, or (as you did through most of your poem) capitalize the first word of every sentence.
Watch your contractions – the “it’s” should be “its” on the second line.
Personally, I think you could do with more metaphor and less straightforward narration. For instance, think of other ways to say “I knew what it was to be valued.” “I seemed a sapphire in your cupped hands”, or some such thing.
Overall, excellent job, and keep writing!
adgerboy reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt this poem from the beginning. “i was beautiful once”.....amazing line because everyone has felt that way before.
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