Children's / Snack Attack

Cute, but this doesn’t really teach children what they need to know about nutrition. In fact, this supports finicky/bad eating habits. With the epidemic weight problems of the Western world, I’m not sure that this is the message we should be sending children.

That said, it’s still cute.

a candy (non-standard plural usage of candy, a word that is normally non-countable) = candy (no indefinite article)

10s abound all around.  This is a perfect piece of poetry for kids.  Just one or two spots where the meter feels off and where the phrasing could use adjusting for better reading
V1 move from to the last line
V4 capitalize B in but and add comma after
V5 add the be-cause to maintain the 6 syllable rhythm to your meter that is established

I enjoyed the poem and like the way you used certain word to rhyme with each other. It’s not the hardest thing to do in poems and you handled it well. I like the overall story of the poem.

This is charming and amusing, but it feels a bit forced.  ”I might faint from this food that I lack” is not how a child would typically speak.  I love the 2nd verse.  I also would like one more verse to really end it. Right now it’s abrupt.

Cute! Cute! Cute!

I love the gentle mocking in this poem. It is a great “read out loud” poem which will appeal to many young budding readers.

My only comment would be that I felt the ending came too soon. I would have liked to see him put up more of a fight. Also the very las line, falls a bit flat. I don’t know whaty to suggest, but it doesn’t hit you with the sulkiness I would expect him to retreat to his bed with.

I really enjoyed this and will be looking at some more of your stuff shortly. Well done!

This was an amusing little piece that I think that I could see in a young children’s poetry book, such as Shel Silverstien.  Your writing style is very similar to his.  I truly enjoyed reading it, I know that my nine year old brother would LOVE this poem.

I liked this poem. It was cute and silly just the way kids like it. the rhythm was nice except on the one line:
cause they taste like wood.
Perhaps if you delete “cause” it would be perfect.
very well done otherwise! I know that when my kids were younger they would have liked this.Especially with illustrations.

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March 05, 2008

by pinestategal

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
266	62.5% (64 votes)	25.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	F	Casco, ME	October 30

Thank you for the review..when I rewrite this I will take everyones comments into account.

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This is SO VERY MUCH my son!  Nightly battle with dinner  This would be great to see published.
: )  Any poetic advice to GET them to eat their veggies instead of everything else?  Perhaps a part two is being worked on???

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March 04, 2008

by pinestategal

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
266	62.5% (64 votes)	25.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	F	Casco, ME	October 30

Thank you for the review…I’ll work on the veggie poem.  LOL

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Overall, I thought this was a well written poem, I really enjoyed it! It was very fun and I loved how you wrote this. “A big bowl of ice cream, now that would be good. No! Not mashed potatoes, cause they taste like wood.” That was my favorite line. You are very creative when it comes to writing and I would love to read something else similar to this, loved it! Keep up the great work and I hope to read more soon!!

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March 04, 2008

by pinestategal

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
266	62.5% (64 votes)	25.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	F	Casco, ME	October 30

Thank you.  If you would like to read more I think you can click on my name and it will take you to the stuff I have written.  I recommend “Children’s Poems” because it has a bunch of poems all under one heading.  Again thank you.

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Very cute and fun to read.  A small suggestion, in the last stanza you might consider substitute “instead” for “just maybe” and “I’ll just go” for “I should go”.  Then it would read:

“I think that instead
I’ll just go to bed!”

The poem is wonderful as it is, but could have a stronger ending.

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March 05, 2008

by pinestategal

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
266	62.5% (64 votes)	25.6%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
54	F	Casco, ME	October 30

Thank you for the review.  When I rewrite this I will take your comments into consideration.

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