Screenplay / Docking The Tail (Pilot)

FADE IN:

INT. TOM’S HOUSE – NIGHT

TOM ZAJAC, 30’s, wearing WIRE RIM GLASSES, JEANS and a T-SHIRT, is sitting on a COUCH in his home. Next to him is seated ROB GRIFFON, 30’S, wearing a CASUAL SHIRT and SLACKS.

They are watching the tail end of the evening news cast. Tom suddenly snaps his fingers as if just figuring something out and turns to Rob.

TOM

Have you ever gone snipe hunting?

ROB

Did you say snipe hunting?

TOM

Yes, snipe hunting. Have you ever gone?

ROB

What the hell is a snipe?

TOM

I take it you’ve never gone hunting or have kids.

ROB

Snipes are kids?

TOM

Snipes aren’t kids, it’s a game you play on kids.

ROB

Don’t you mean with kids?

TOM

Did I say with kids? Anyway, it works like this. You tell your kids to get a bag and two rocks…are you listening?

Rob turns his attention from the T.V. and stares at Tom.

ROB

Yeah, yeah, the whole snipe thing. I’m listening.

TOM

You tell them to go outside and root around shrubs and bushes while banging the two rocks together. If they come across a snipe, the banging sound will cause it to jump into the bag.

ROB

Wait, so what’s a snipe again? Did I miss the whole snipe explanation.

TOM

That’s just it, a snipe is nothing, a figment, it doesn’t exist.

Rob turns his attention back to the T.V.

ROB

It doesn’t exist? Then what was the point of that story?

TOM

The point is…as a parent, you have the kids off keeping themselves busy and you get some time to yourself.

ROB

Right, since a snipe doesn’t exist, they’ll never find one.

TOM

Exactly. You’re pretty bright for a salesmen.

ROB

It’s a talent. That snipe thing is all fine and good, but what does any of that have to do with Carlson?

Tom leans back in the couch and clasps his hands behind his head.

TOM

It’s going to help us kill him.

INT. CAR DEALERSHIP OFFICE – DAY

Rob is seated at a DESK. Across from him is seated a very nervous looking man. He is wearing an ill fitted shirt and very ugly tie. He isn’t looking at Rob, but rather, he is staring out through the office door at the cars on the showroom floor.

ROB

So Mr. Chase, let’s get right to it shall we? You came to my office today because you are obviously a man of discerning taste, am I right?

chase

Well…

ROB

Of course you are. You understand the difference between buying a grocery getter at thirty thousand…

Rob points to the car Mr. Chase drove onto his lot. He then points to one of the luxury cars on the show room floor as he says:

ROB

And a pussy getter at sixty.

Mr. Chase seems to be visibly upset at Rob’s choice of words. Rob sees this and quickly changes his approach.

ROB

No one is saying you’re planning to cheat on your wife, Mr. Chase, far from it. But we both cannot deny the allure a luxury car has.

Rob stands and points to the cars on the showroom floor again.

ROB

They speak for us Mr. Chase. Some say, ‘I’m a sensible guy. I care about the environment’. Other’s say, ‘I’m a bad mutha, don’t mess with me’. But we both know the truth of it, don’t we?

CHASE

We do?

ROB

Yes we do. Some cars say,’My wife made me buy this thing’. Because our tails, Mr. Chase, have been docked.

CHASE

I’m afraid you’ve gone an lost me sir.

ROB

Robert, call me Rob.

CHASE

Rob, I don’t know what docking the tail means.

Rob sits back down with a smile on his face. It’s almost as if Mr. Chase has followed Rob into a verbal trap, and now Rob is ready to spring it.

ROB

Docking the tail is a procedure they use to shorten the length of a dogs tail. But we both know that is just a euphemism. A clever way of hiding what’s really going on.

CHASE

And what is that exactly?

ROB

It is anything or anyone that gets in the way of the real you. Anything that tries to stop you from having personal freedoms.

CHASE

Did your car tell you that?

ROB

Funny Mr. Chase, but you know it’s true. After all, you’re a prime example.

CHASE

How do you mean?

ROB

Your tail has already been docked.

CHASE

How so?

ROB

Look at the way you’re dressed. No offense, that tie is butt ugly. Do you know why that tie is butt ugly? Because your wife knows if any other woman sees you in that tie, then they’ll know you’re married.

CHASE

I’ve heard that somewhere before… what does any of this have to do with my car?

ROB

I like how you put that, your car. But the decision isn’t up to you .

CHASE

Well when it’s all said and done I suppose it’s really up to your financial department.

Rob chuckles to himself and leans back in his desk chair.

ROB

Come now Mr. Chase, we both know your credit will clear without so much as a stutter in the system. And still I say the decision is not yours.

CHASE

Whose would it be then?

Rob simply points to the mans wedding band.

CHASE

What? My wife?

ROB

You have been drooling over that car for thirty seven minutes. And do you know why? It’s not because you can’t afford it. But because you can’t justify it. You have already had the conversation in your head haven’t you? For Every reason you can come up with to purchase this fine machine, you hear her voice in your head, telling you all the counter points. All of the cons to your pros.

Chase is spinning his wedding band around on his finger and Rob knows it’s now or never. Time to reel him in and make the sale.

ROB

Don’t worry, I’ll make it easy for you Mr. Chase. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to tell me you need some time to think it over which is code for,’I have to discuss this with my wife’. Then I’m going to hand you my business card, which is a complete waste of my money since you’ll never call the number on it.

Chase has stop playing with his ring and is completely engrossed by what Rob is saying.

ROB

Once you get home, Your wife will talk you out of purchasing this fabulous machine. She will then ply you with good bourbon and sex to ease your testosterone levels down and you will forget all about this little conversation we just had. You will once again become, compliant.

Chase picks up a PEN up from Rob’s desk.

CHASE

Where do I sign?

Rob pulls a CONTRACT from seemingly out of nowhere and is pointing at a place on the paperwork when another man enters the office carrying a STACK OF PAPERS. This is EDDIE, 30’s, very attractive white male.

EDDIE

You have a call on line three. And these are the projections for next month and, next quarter.

Rob answer’s phone

ROB

One moment Mr. Chase…Rob Griffon. She did? What time was the appointment? $100? What if she came in later today? I’ll get back to you…No, thank you.

Rob hangs up and look visibly disturbed.

CHASE

Everything alright?

ROB

Yes, everything is fine, now let’s get you into that new car shall we?

INT. TOM’S MINI VAN – DAY

Tom is on his way to school with his two children. Daughter, UNICE, 14 and son, JIMMY,8. Jimmy is in the back seat playing with a hand held VIDEO GAME. Unice is in the front seat playing with the radio stations.

UNICE

I can’t find a good song on this stupid thing, and there are too many commercials. We need satellite radio.

TOM

We don’t need satellite radio Uni, besides, you keep skipping over great songs.

UNICE

Like what?

Tom

Like what? ‘Landslide’ was a great song.

UNICE

I don’t like the Dixie Chicks.

Tom cringes at the comment.

Tom

I’ll have you know that song was written in 1975 by Fleetwood Mac and is still played by musicians today.

UNICE

That doesn’t stop it from sucking.

TOM

Really? So thirty years from now, you think people will be singing Christina Aguilera songs?

UNICE

Not sung by people who suck.

JIMMY

I don’t think that song sucks, Daddy.

TOM

Thank you Jimmy.

UNICE

He sucks.

JIMMY

I do not!

TOM

And to think, we almost made it all the way to the school this time.

JIMMY

You’re not Goth you know. That’s why all the kids at school call you Goth-Light, behind your back.

Looking in the rear view mirror at Jimmy.

TOM

They do?

UNICE

No, they don’t. Even if they did, I wouldn’t care what those posers had to say anyway.

TOM

What’s a poser?

UNICE

Uh-Dad! Buy a clue OK?

TOM

I will. It has got to be cheaper than satellite radio.

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