That first sentence is supposed to be badly worded. It’s supposed to represent her idiocy.
Humor/Satire / Social Networking
Just for a moment I’d like for you to come with me on a trip down memory lane. Just how well do you remember your childhood? You would go to school, you would work hard, and at recess you would go and play with your friends. Then, after school, you would go home and your friends would, for the most part, be forgotten. You would occupy yourself with yourself, perhaps with your siblings and occasionally even your parents. Your social life ended after you passed through your own front door. Painful memories, right? Now we are older, we are wiser, we know that social life need not end at the home. In fact, your social life is never more at home than in your own house. The Internet has brought us a great bounty, in the form of Social Networking sites.
I must admit my introduction to the social networking scene came late in life. Throughout middle school and much of high school I had been perfectly happy using the Internet as an information-gathering tool, perhaps connecting to friends once in a while to play Dawn of War. Then, one fateful day, i received an amazing email.
”You have a new friend request!”
I was intrigued. I clicked the link and was instantly transported to a world that was so strange, yet familiar. It was like real life, only better. The girl who had sent me the invite, NadiaXLove, seemed like a great gal. In her “about me” blurb, she said “Hey, people call my nickname “Hot Stuff”. My friends I love and they tell me i rock. I don’t know about that, but I guess they know best right. Anyway, I think I rock maybe you can know me and know too”. Oh Nadia, you tease me with your silken tongue. I’m glad we got to know each other.
Myspace was like giant house with millions of rooms. Each one belonging to one person who got to decorate the place, usually with pictures of themselves. Many a teenage girl has perfected the art of pouting their lips and taking a picture at arms length. I feel sorry for Tom though. I think he must be the loneliest guy on earth. Why else would he automatically add himself to everyones friend list?
Toms house was cool for a while, but eventually I got a little tired. First I got tired of all the girls telling me to live longer, love deeper and laugh harder. Then I got tired of hearing different songs in every single room of the house. I really just wanted a place where I could go hang out with sophisticated people and talk about sophisticated things.
The answer came to me one day when, at a friends house, I logged on to MySpace. “What the hell is that?” he asked.
”Uh…it’s Myspace!”
”Ugh man, what’re you doing? Get a Facebook!”
And that as my initiation to the new world I so desired. Facebook was the cool new place to be. I had to get an invitation before I could join, and it was a good thing too. It was like belonging to a cool exclusive club…that everyone was a part of. It was a clean slate where you could be cool and mature, like the college kids.
Then the narcs had to go and mess everything up. It started as a trickle…maybe once or twice a day I’d get a message about some new fangled application. It seemed kind of cool at first, offering a way to customize your facebook further while maintaining that clean fresh scent. That trickle soon turned into a stream, and then into a cascading flow of messages. Are you a ninja or a pirate? I’m NEITHER! Leave me alone! I don’t want to know my sex IQ! No, I DON’T like that TV show. The garden of Eden had been corrupted, and it seemed there was no turning back.
I say it is up to the people, the inhabitants of Facebook-land, to come together in a mass exodus. There are vast, unclaimed expanses on the Internet. Friendster, LiveJournal…all of them offer a hope, a chance, at reclaiming the happiness and peace that we once enjoyed. Here is hoping to a better, pirate AND ninja free, future.
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evgenia reviewed Version 1 -
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You asked for bluntness – happy to oblige! =)
The intro paragraph is completely clichéd and aside from not adding to the story, it removes much by setting expectations of a story about childhood..soo – remove it completely. Start with “I must admit”...well, actually, you could omit that whole paragraph too and just get more “social networking” material for the later paragraphs. I think Nadia’s blurb should have grammar. I like the house with rooms comparison and lonely Tom. Maybe you could have lonely Tom sitting in a room to softly connect the two? Rid yourself of “Ugh man,..”, it seems forced, like you HAD to complete the dialog – omit the phrase, because the next one does the same job in a more effective way (I suppose that’s a WAS not an AS). The last thing – go over all the words and TWEAK them – rid yourself of any word you meet twice, put in interesting words, see if you can get double-meanings in the story.. Sorry, can’t think of any Facebook related jokes, if I do, I’ll write you. Good luck with the contest!
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mark_93 reviewed Version 1 -
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Quite interesting. A good idea, perhaps you could add a few more jokes. No, i don’t have any suggestions, confound me. Good luck winning, or if its already finished, well… anyway.
Goatfish1 reviewed Version 1 -
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A subject after my own heart. So many tales to tell, so little time.
I like the progression of your online social travels. Tighten up the writing by getting rid of unnecessary words to free up word count. Then you can expand on essay points.
Example: “Just for a moment I’d like for you to come with me on a trip down memory lane. Just how well do you remember your childhood? You would go to school, you would work hard, and at recess you would go and play with your friends. Then, after school, you would go home and your friends would, for the most part, be forgotten.”
Get to the point. Why not start out with: How well do you remember your childhood? Clean up and combine the sentences following to something similar to: You go to school and work hard (and do the same with your other points).
Also with the dialogue: ““What the hell is that?” he asked.
”Uh…it’s Myspace!”
”Ugh man, what’re you doing? Get a Facebook!”
Why not cut it down to “What the hell is that? Myspace? ugh. Get Facebook!.”
Just suggesting.
Also, what is your main message? That social networking is in decline or in expansion? Your point is not clear in the text. State your argument then prove it. Good luck with this!
browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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was it intentional that you started the first two sentences with the word ‘just?’
the part about Tom seems kind of random. i think you could take it out.
“The garden of Eden had been corrupted, and it seemed there was no turning back.” That was my favorite liine in the whole essay.
i know that the myspace part was leading up to the face boook part which was like the main part of the essay, but i think it could be shortened up a bit becuase i felt it overwhelmed the part about facebook.
al in all i thougth this was a great topic to write about and you did a good job.
nanie622 reviewed Version 1 -
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“Anyway, I think I rock maybe you can know me and know too”. That sentence confused me, maybe you could reword it a little?
“Myspace was like giant house…” I think you missed an “a”.
JamesPatrick reviewed Version 1 -
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To be honest, I can’t really pick up on the satire in this essay. It’s a fair representation of internet forums, but it doesn’t really reach deep into the satire I’m used to. I’m thinking of dolphins being the third most intelligent species saying,”So long, and thanks for all the fish.”
I’d suggest you get rid of the opening paragraph--more words to rewrite-- and really going all out. Focus on one element of internet communities to satire—the clubs, the friend invites, the delicate nature in which people select membership sites.
Good read though.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Good start. I’ve written something similar. You need more detail here, especially about the various facebook applications. There’s a lot of room here for more humor.
Proofreading notes:
like giant house = like a giant house
everyones friend list? = everyone’s
Toms house = Tom’s
a friends house = friend’s
Brynn reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall it was fairly good, though it didnt garner a laugh from me. I did smile and relate, as I had the EXACT case as well.
It felt to me more like a blog, not a satire.
Suggestions:
“me i rock” Not sure if the “i” was done on purpose to immitate the girls writing, if so fine. If not, capitalize.
“call my nickname” doesnt make grammatical sense. It should either be “Call me” or “my nickname is” the way you have it written, makes it literally “The name they call my nickname.”
“best right” Question mark after right. Comma after best.
” Toms house” Tom’s
“house, I logged” WHEN I logged on.
“Get a Facebook” Should either be “get facebook” OR “get a facebook ACCOUNT.”
“as my initiation” WAS my
” further while maintaining” sounds better WHILE FURTHER maintaining.
Other than that, nothing major. Again maybe a few witty, comical lines to make it a REAL humour piece. Not bad, keep up the good work, and good luck on teh contest=)
Eve
oobergloben reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the idea and where you’ve gone with this essay. There were some funny lines, and I definately connected with you on the Facebook applications issue.
That being said, some thoughts:
I think you could do a little better with your intro sentence. I was already interested in reading the essay, so it didn’t affect me but I don’t think it has the pop you need in order to really pull this essay off. It seems small in comparison to the rest of your essay, if that makes sense.
“In fact, your social life is never more at home than in your own house.” I found this sentence awkward. I know what you’re trying to get at . . . maybe just try re-wording it different ways.
I disagree with the part about childhood friendships only being contained within school and “Then, after school, you would go home and your friends would, for the most part, be forgotten”. I had an entirely different experience, and I think you will lose at least part of your audience with this statement. I would instead focus on how limited circles of friends were, as in people you actually KNEW, could see, and who were a part of your life (in your class, live next door, etc). That way you can still tie in the childhood perspective to your essay, and make it a little more relevant to everyone.
“perhaps connecting to friends once in a while to play Dawn of War” I think you may want to make this a bit more general, as some readers may not know what Dawn of War is, and why it’s relevant to your topic.
Grammar:
we know that social life need not end at the home – consider taking out “the”
i received an amazing email – capitalize “I”
Myspace – should be MySpace
customize your facebook - capitalize “Facebook”
The garden of Eden – capitalize “Garden”
... Try and keep consistant with your use of capitals, for example Internet.
Hope this helps and good luck with the contest!
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