Poetry / Le premier sonnet

though your writing seems to include some bad word choices and awkward phrasings now and then, i am always suprized at the sophistication of your concepts… and often of your execution.   You are obviously a deep thinking feeler (or a deep feeling thinker…)  this poem is no exception.   I don’t know if it’s because it was a class assignment or not, but this poem has an almost playful, airy lightness despite it’s potentially serious subject matter.  The language is contemporary (for the most part) and fresh which is really nice, though it’s not acidic or jaded like her work, something in this reminds me of dorothy parker.  only a couple lines bother me… “then hours would i stay, but alas my heart does sadden.  these lines seem forced… the poetic inversion in the first line doesn’t jive with the fresh contemporary feel of the rest of the piece, and is a weak device anyhow… ditto with the second line i mentioned… the archaic “alas” and “does” disturbs the lightness and purity of the piece… my only other criticism is that the meter seems a little off in the lines .”but my heart…”, and “this crazy…”

as always… i admire your work.