Poetry / Upon the Death of Your Father

Very honest and real – everyone has been in this position where someone you know/are friends with loses someone and you can’t quite relate to being in their position of loss but you know it must hurt badly.

I could not tell, however, how committed you were to this – whether this person was really meaningful to you as a friend and you were genuinely sorry, or whether this was just an acquaintance you couldn’t really feel much for, and of course this couldn’t translate well when you tried to feel for the loss of this acquaintance’s parent.

If the first – that you were close to this person but just knew their father in passing, or are emotionally unable to go to “that place” – then this is a poem about fumbling for the right thing to say to ease someone’s pain, and the last stanza does not capture this. Instead it seems kind of like a shrug – oh well, i’m sorry i couldn’t really be there for you emotionally but i’m totally here for you to laugh and have fun with when you need it. In which case the poem carries little weight and makes the reader reject the speaker, if you get my drift. It’s like you pull us in with heartfelt sorrow over another person’s loss but in the end, you don’t really seem that sorry. It’s basically the second half of the last stanza, it really seems flippant and like a cop-out.

If the second – I think more of that awkward angst – that lack of ability to connect and provide what you know someone needs but you do not feel close enough to them to provide, since they are not close to you, and neither were you close to their parent – is needed. This would make it more clear, either way, and if this is what you really meant, those sorts of tweaks would polish it off and make it very easy to relate to.

Language is very good – simple, honest, direct. The image about the dad coming home and saying “hey son” and throwing the keys on the table – a fantastic touch. Reusing it again later as you do in the next stanza, also a great touch.

It has a certain humor about it, despite the somber subject matter. Not having known anyone who has lost a loved one recently, I don’t readily have feelings regarding this issue but the descriptions made me feel as if i did. Very well written.

This was an interesting poem. I’m not quite sure where you were going with the ink running dry. That part is confusing. Why mention that it was an IKEA rug? Does that bare any significance? Where they telling you to write “very, very sorry” in the card? Im guessing that the ink ran dry before you could write that. I think that the last four lines in the poem are good and needed to offset the sad tone of the poem. I think that the “and the’s” in the fourth stanza should go before the actions/events that you are describing. It seems kind of awkward to the eyes to have those lines end with those two words. Overall i definitely got the message that you can feel bad for a moment that you saw compassion and words  and not necessarily things he had done with his son.

This is so personal with all the childhood memories. It makes me feel like I can relate, even though I know I don’t.

The carrying metaphors, like face and the card, from the beginning and end tie the poem together really well.

I assume it was your close friend’s father? If so, I like the new perspective.

I don’t understand the “box of playbills”...
In my opinion, this poem is really really good.

I like this very much and I think it definitely has viability outside your psyche.  It touches universal themes, the loss of love in life and the different loss of love in death.  I had to read the last verse a few times; for some reason, it seems like something’s missing (or perhaps I’m misreading), but it feels like forgiveness has happened and there’s the lovely line about playing Gershwin together if it gets too lonely.   This is beautiful by itself, but it makes me wonder about the true meaning of the “ink was dry.”  I guess I’m trying to say that there’s deeper meaning in that small phrase – sad, angry meaning – so the jump to the softer tone of forgiveness (perhaps an allusion to earlier, happier memories) at the end comes as a bit of a jolt.    

I thought this was a great poem, I found it very emotional as I was reading. Your choice of words fit well together and that’s what made the poem read so well. One of my favorite paragraphs would probably be, “I cried for the “hello son” throwing his keys on the counter but I can’t cry for the scraped knees and the box of playbills and the boxcar derbies and the day he taught you how to drive.” I think this is the type of poem people can relate to. I hope you continue to write more, I’d love to read more. Overall, good job, keep up the great work!

If you were aiming to make people glossy eyed, then you have most definately succeeded. What really touched me was the very first stanza, last line. “and shoes and face to wear.” It begins strong and ends magnificently. The words are very real and endearing. As this particular audience member is not the intended one, I am sure whoever is already knows.

Excellent work.

I very much liked the last line in the first stanza, “and face to wear.” I found that to be very powerful.

I liked the poem overall but I had some difficulty understanding who was talking. It seemed at first it was a daughter, then a son, then perhaps the wife of a son. I think the piece would be well served by giving a stronger indication as to who is speaking.

In the fourth stanza there is a repetition of part of the third stanza that was awkward. I know what you were doing, but I think you could do it better.

All in all a very powerful piece of work.

Joel.

oh this was really lovely, and sad.
just a couple of comments:

the second stanza is a little unclear. who is the ‘they’ you are referring to? i read it as the cardmarkers but you could tighten up this ambiguity. i think clearing this up will also make the “(the ink was dry).” seem more in place?

but that’s a small thing and this is really a gorgeous poem about the awkwardness of grief. thanks so much for letting us read it.