Query Letter / Damaged Hearts Query Letter

This is progressing nicely.  A few things- first the length. Check the recommendations of the publishing houses for romances—most expect manuscripts to be 65-75000 words. 93,000 might be too long for a first book.

Next- when you say ‘historical romance,’ give them an idea what historical period you are talking about.  Ie Regency, Edwardian, California Gold Rush.  Personally, I was wondering how old Kaitlyn was.  You mentioned that she had been alone with her sister since age 13—- so, was just wondering if she was too young for a widower with two children.

Check the requirements for your potential agent. Unless he specifically says “no multiple submissions,” I wouldn’t say that I had sent it to other agents.  If he is interested, he will ask for an exclusive.

Heh, I believe I just read part of your story yesterday. I knew immediately that the names Kaitlyn and Rick sounded familiar. Then it all kicked it. I’m not saying your story didn’t make sense the first time, but after reading your Query letter, everything made ten times more sense. The whole thing seems really interesting and I’m glad you are going to send it off to agents. I really do think you have a great chance at getting it published. And if you don’t mind me asking, what agents are you sending your works off to? Because see, I live practically in the middle of nowhere and it is tough trying to find somebody (although the thing I want published isn’t on urbis yet) lol anyways back to the top… great idea you have going on here ;)

You certainly have me interested in reading your novel!  Just one suggestion.  I’m a grad student, and at one time a professor told me that you should never submit a manuscript to multiple publishers at the same time.  She said that this is considered a “breach of etiquette”.  Based on that, I would change the final portion of your letter and focus on a single publisher at a time.  

PS. The professor mentioned is widely published in the field of children’s literature.

Good Luck!

Ok I think that is is a fine letter however the lines ” Kaitlyn and Rick find family, passion and trust to repair their “Damaged Hearts.” should be revised as it seems to make your novel to be some what of the genre of high school kids. It weakens your strength in the letter alot. Other then that it is fine and I wish you good luck!

A good, solid query letter. I especially liked “His spunky neighbor is a welcome distraction”.

Good luck!

Hi Angie.

To me, it seems unprofessional to tell this agent where you heard about him, etc.  He knows his business, why he is there, etc., so you can probably dispense with the superfluous information and anecdotal/familiar tone. The biographical stuff at the end is fine, but it might fit better at the beginning of the letter, by way of introduction.  In the third paragraph, the semi-colon is out of place; it should be a comma, so, it may appear like a pretentious flourish, to an astute reader (which I’m asuming this person is).  In the same paragraph, an apostrophe in “mans” is needed, and a comma after “protective” and “widower”.  Polishing these technical ‘details’ will show that you are a serious person/writer, to be taken seriously.  In the fourth paragraph, after “Rick Jamison has focused on one thing”, you employ a semi-colon.  I would use a colon here, but that is probably debatable.  If you are determined to include a semi-colon, it might be appropriate at the end of that sentence, before the word “alone”, since the three periods can sometimes give the impression of an “etc.”  In the next sentence, “feisty” is redundant after “spunky”.  What else is Kate/Kaitlyn?  Is she “sexy”?  Or, even better, an adjective that anticipates the qualities described in the latter part of the sentence, of being able to raise two girls and tame the wilderness; you already used “stubborn, protective, and fiercely independent”, so, maybe “tenacious” or something like that?  Also, there are several places where you say “this and that and the other”, without a comma before the second “and”.  This is grammatically a run-on sentence, although, it may be overlooked, if you dont do it more than once.  Using “and – and – and” without commas is a device for creating a kind of stream-of-consciousness momentum, which is inapporpriate in this letter.  Why is “Query” capitalized?  And I would say “hope to hear from you”, rather than “looking forward to hearing from you”, because this person may not be in the habit of answering every query, and it seems more professional to me not to say that you are “looking forward to”, or expecting, a reply.  I hope this was helpful to you.  :)  Good luck getting published!

I think you have a decent chance of getting this looked over by an agent, but they may want to revise it a lot to bring more draw from your audience towards buying the book.  If I were reading that on the back of a book, I may not read the book.  I don’t read romance novels, but it still seems to be lacking something from the story to really draw me in and “have to know” what’s going to happen.  You may have to reveal one of your twists in the plot to the agent in this letter to strike more interest.

I think that though the letter is well-written, you could say something that would attract a publisher more. Something that would make them want to know more about your manuscript. It sounds good.. but you want to make it sound great, so that they want you. But it is written well, like i said, and I don’t see any major grammar or tone problems.
I also think that it’s good that you mention your writing background even though it’s your first book.

You have numerous grammitcal mistakes, which will appear extremly unattractive and unprofessional to an agent/publisher. Also, your query letter makes your manuscript sound like just another regular romance. How is it different than all the other romances out there? Why should I read your first romance novel as opposed to someone else’s? Try and keep these things in mind. These will probably be the kinds of questions an agent/publisher will be asking themself when they read your query letter. Other than that, it does seem to have a strong plot. Since you are previously unpublished, it was a good idea to include that you have been writing for years and have taken writing classes. I myself have reccently finished writing a story I hope to get published and find myself in the same boat as you, having a flimsy--no offense--list of credentials. So, I have decided that before I start sending my manuscript and query letters out, I am going to enter sevral short story writing contests and see if I can’t beef up my list of credentials. You might consider doing the same. Overall, excluding grammatical mistakes, your query was very professionaly written. Write it down on paper and have a friend go through and mark all of your mistakes. That should help. A query letter should go through as much, if not more, revising than your actual manuscript, so do not become discouraged. You obviously have a lot of potential, so keep at it, and good luck!