Lyrics / "HOMELESS"

A passionate and sensitive subject for you I can easily recognize from the CAPS for homeless.  Me too.
    In the mist of a cold night…consider midst?
    He shuffles in the rain…through the __ rain.  Use words to help the reader “feel” what he is going through, like shards of rain, shards of blue (as it means more than one thing…a color, or a life).

    Down the middle of the road…too simple, you need powerful statement because you have chosen a topic which you want to scream that someone understand!
  
    As his sad life circles the drain…sad and meaningless?  Either way, this is a very intelligent and profound sentence.  It makes the reader stop to think about the value of a life.  Nice.

    Helpless, hopeless, and HOMELESS…Again very nice!

    His cloths soaked to the bone…clothes
    He will struggle ___ to the end…uselessly until

    Or a tear or wonder why…I think you can remove OR in the beginning, it flows just as well.

You did very well with this piece.  Please consider using color and adjectives as you describe (which is the key), his life and try to show how the person listening is effected whether they want to believe it or not.  You could even suggest within the piece, a way if someone feels compelled, that they could help.  Wrinting, art and music can be a powerful tool!
Thank you for the wonderful opportunity!

This is very good.  ”His sad life circles down the drain” was a great metaphor in my opinion.  I did have one problem.  The lyric refers to him as hopeless, but I can see some hope for him.  In the last verse “his life will carry on” could maybe  do with a change of diction. Carry on creates a sense of hope, so I would change it to “drag on” or something similar. Keep them coming though.

this made my heart cry . it flowed well .Keep up the good work

Instead of “Or a tear or wonder why?”  how’s about  ”Not a tear, no-one wandering why” and then an end line that rhymes with gone. Sort of a climax to your chorus? “Why he never had a home!”  Maybe?  Dunno. There also needs to be something else put instead of the line “Without a house to call a home”  Perhaps:  ”With nowhere to call home.”  You don’t need a house to have a home.  Me and my husband are technically homeless.  We live with my mother.  

cool them, it could be a little longer, but i like it. good flow and rhyme scheme. my favorite part is this:  ”His whole life in a trash bag
    His cloths soaked to the bone
    He will struggle to the end
    Without a house to call a home ”
i liek the whole trash bag thing because its complete truth of the homeless. good job kep at it.

These were really good lyrics. They would work well with many styles of music (especially things like ‘The Switch and The Spur, by the Raconteurs, with less trumpet.)

Great poem. I liked the flow and how it build as you the reader reads…. I also like how you direct the reader to think and be aware of the Homeless dying at any and that very moment in the closing lines.

Wow, I like this. It made my heart ache. If only we had more people in the world like you who held people in their hearts with such compassion. Only thing I would add is maybe another chorus, it seems to end a little too soon.

you write from the heart , seems to be you have traveled
or maybe live in large town, I lived in wichita ks. for while

if you lay down the right music track to this you could go somewhere with it
I personally believe that the instrumentation is half the song anymore..
keep writing

lookingbeyond

very good caught my attention from begining to end i like