Romance / The wolf and the warrior (part two)
Morning came sooner than I thought it would as I just laid under the great oak of the forest. I didn’t sleep. I was too busy thinking of what they could be doing to her. Why would they want her in the first place? Maybe it’s because they know that if they have her I will surely come forth with the Amulet of Artemathia in exchanged for her. It’s all too funny on how that seems like something I would do. Considering I never wanted to be a hero. I was more of a villain when I meet Annabell and learned about the amulet’s power. I just wanted it for myself. My only desire was to rule and nothing more. Now, that they have her…I worry. I don’t want to give them the amulet and I don’t like how they have her. They could be doing anything to her right now. Rape? Torture? Death? It’s all too much for me to sleep one night without her.
This stupid amulet! How could Lady Moon make such a powerful thing?! All it is a red rock with a few magic tricks. I say we should destroy it, but then the moon would no longer exist and nor would Annabell. She is after all daughter of the moon, right? For centuries, demons and lykans (werewolves)have fought over this pathetic rock! I don’t really care now. My family already thinks I’m a failure. I, honestly, think it’s in better hands with Annabell under the werewolves’ care now.
“Are you coming or what, Andrew?! Jeez, if you’re going to be my sister’s hero you might want to pick up pace!” shouted Alex.
“Bite me asshole! Not only do I have to save Anna I also have to save a kingdom!” I growled back as I stood up and got on my horse.
“Yeah well, you’re pretty weak for demon. Did you drug my sister by any chance because I don’t know what she would see in-”There was a loud thump and I threw the amulet at his head. Weak? Ha! I’ve got enough strength to send him through a tree. Ha, weak! What on earth is he talking about. He yelled, “I HATE YOU DAMN DEMONS! One of these days, I’m gonna drive my sword of your-”
“That’s not very nice to say to your soon to be brother-in-law now is it?”
“Ha! My sister would never do such a pathetic thing. She’s smarter than you.”
“Oh, Alex, you don’t know anything about your sister. Do you?”
“What are you trying to…” he paused and narrowed his eyes at me, “you…you touched Annabell!”
“Well, I-”
“I’LL KILL YOU!!!!” He took out his sword and lunged towards me. Kicking the sword out of his hand, I caught it in the air and pointed it back at him. “I hope you enjoy telling Annabell you killed me!”
“WILL YOU SHUT UP! I’m not going to kill you! YOu didn’t even let me finish what I was going to say idiot so how do you know if-”
Alex interrupted, “You’re all alike! You selfifh demons always devouring our children, raping our women, and taking our land! You’re nothing but-”
“NO, I DIDN’T HAVE SEX WITH HER! AND NO, NOT ALL DEMONS ARE ALIKE! IF IT WERE TRUE, THEN IT WOULD BE A YES AND YOU’D BE DEAD WHERE YOU STAND!”
The rest of the day was like this. It was kind of awkward thinking of how he thought I…well you know. Stupid werewolves think they know everything! If it wasn’t us fighting, it was at least him nagging me. All he seems to say is “Are you going the right way?”, “We should be at Lithia by now!” “My sister is dying and here we are lost in the forest no thanks to you!” What am I retarded?
We made it to Lithia hoping to find an old fortune teller named Lady Beretha to help us. Lady Beretha is said to be the only one who knows the demon king’s weakness for they once use to be in love.
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I’m thinking I may have to go find the beginning of your story. This part that I read wasn’t real romantic but I like how your story is going. Once you are done with the writing though, I strongly suggest you go back and edit your spelling and punctuation. Are you looking to go for the young adult genre or paranormal adult? Good start. I like the story line.
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I’m going to handle edits first as I go through the pages, and will give you my opinion in the end:
”...Artemathia in exchanged for her.” This should be in exchange for her.
Go through the document and look at the superflous use of words like “had” and “that”. Oftentimes, you will find the sentence flows more strongly WITHOUT the word, uncluttering the sentence.
You use the word “her” frequently. Perhaps you could consider using her name in some places, or “friend” or whatever her title is (sister, mother, daughter, etc…)
”...One of these days, I’m gonna drive my sword of your-” The end doesn’t sound right? Maybe drive my sword UP your…
Thoughts are handled like conversation. The difference is the thought is put in a single quotation, instead of double quotations.
In all I think you have quite a story here. With a little bit of tweaking in edit department/mechanics, it will flow more smoothly, making the reader enjoy the story more instead of stumbling over the trivialies. I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more and watching your writing evolve. :) Robin
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