Poetry / Every Poem an Offering

nice. i like what the poem is saying. its a very good message for all poets and just writers in general.

“Still others too weak to come forth alone, require
surgical extraction and oft even that
to disappointment and
with great pain to the bearer.”

i’m having trouble with this part of the poem. the way its truncated doesn’t read well. its cut in odd places. i think because the three lines before it are only three lines may have something to do with it. my suggestion: try rewriting “still others…” into three lines, instead of four. OR try truncating the sentence in different places, that can sometimes change the meaning, but it’s worth a shot. also, there is a need for “the,” in “to (the) disappointment and…”  

“But all are miracles.
Every word is a prayer,
every poem an offering”

...are my favorite lines.

i enjoyed reading this. thanks for sharing!

Tens to all of your goals!
Incubation should be singular.
Those last four lines are powerful poetry.

You definitely have a talent worth shaping.  You make good use of comparison with “like overdue babies in mid-town taxis” and your metaphors are quite excellent.  The ending though seems out of place.  I think if you take the last two lines out it’ll sound better.  Or maybe just change them around.  

You have talent worth shaping but you may not be reviewed by all readers because of the subject matter.

The image this pulls is rather morbid. I think visually, and I saw letters and words being born in the many ways more organic creatures are born… if I had the patience I would paint it. The piece struggles in the beginning, I think, but redeems itself highly throughout the rest of it, so that doesn’t matter. The ending it superb. Change nothing. (except maybe adding a spot more syntax?)

I think it is a great poem overall. The message is clear and presented neatly.

To pick it apart, I think lines 3 and 4 would be more effective if you altered the line break. For one, i might think of replacing or just omitting “complete” from line 3. Maybe replace it with something like ‘ready.’ I would move “needing” to the end of line 3, and start a new line with “only to be cleaned…” the needing at the end of the line can give it a more accentuated place, and it can stand alone a bit more. I think it would also help with the pace, would make it move more quickly in the beginning.

I feel that lines 10 and 11 are a bit awkward, but I don’t have suggestions.

The last few lines are great and end well. The very last line though could be reworded to be a bit more clear. “but worship always intended” or “but worship is always intended.” The second suggestion is more conversational and sincere seeming to me. like its just being said and not constructed, not “requiring forceps,” so to speak.

Great though, overall.

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March 09, 2008

by fletchrwoo

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Detroit, MI	June 25

Thank you very much, these are very good suggestions.

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I love this poem and the imagery displayed. I love Sometimes lyrics fall forth
like overdue babies in mid-town taxis
unexpected, sudden, complete,
needing only to be cleaned up and
made presentable. This is a powerful few lines in your work. The contrast between an unexpected baby and lyrics falling, and using lines like cleaned up, makes this very strong. I love your voice and I hope you will continue to cultivate it.

What great comparisons;various types of child birth and writing poetry.

A bit choppy with some of the wording. L9-13 the “too weak to” and then “to dis..”. Believe this could be written smoother. L13 is awkward as a stand alone sentence.
Final line “worship intended” ends the flow of this like there is more to come.

Just my thoughts as I read through it several times. I really enjoyed this.
8/8/8/8

‘Sometimes lyrics fall forth/like overdue babies in mid-town taxis’ i particularly loved that simile.

You have an amazing talent and your writing style reminds me of mine (only more developed and mature) and that of some of my favourite poets. The only thing was:
‘surgical extraction and oft even that
to disappointment and
with great pain to the bearer.’

i found the rhythm of these lines a bit confusing to read and a little bit disjointed, which i can tell is kind of the style of the rhythm but these lnes just confused me a little bit.

Out of curiosity, do you just write poetry or do you ever perform it? Or take insparation from performance poets at all?

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March 09, 2008

by fletchrwoo

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	53.8% (13 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Detroit, MI	June 25

Thank you.  I primarily write.  I have read in a couple of local coffee houses some time back and am recently trying my hand at open mike.  I find locally that is much the venue of the slam style of poetry, so I tend to get mixed reception.

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I really don’t have much to add to this. It is a really nice piece about poetry. Every poet should like it.

I did have a couple of problems worth noting.

In the ninth line, “Still others too weak to come forth alone, require,” seems jammed together. I think that making, “Still others,” a separate line would work better, or adding a comma perhaps.

And the last two lines seem out of place in the poem. They strike me as if they are an example of forcing an ending.

Joel.

I dont know if this was trying to be different or trying to make a statement that just didn’t quite work out.
Its always good to try out new techniques but use it with comfort because that piece I feel still needs more air to breathe because it feels like to me that your describing a woman trying to give birth to a baby in the middle of a traffic jam. Eveything you’ve written seems too bunched up and theres not enough room to breathe or to let go and feel the words, the story behind the poem at the moment feels like nothing.

These lines here very beautiful and full of poetic imagery.

“Every word is a prayer,
every poem an offering
My prayers are not always reverent
but always worship intended.”

But the lines beforehand just kill those lines altogether.
This can be better, go back and re-think on this, because it needs more work in my opinion. Don’t take this the wrong way I’m only trying to help and give an honest opinion and this is it. I expected more to be honest and right now I don’t see your full potential shining through this piece.

Keep writing and keep sharing. We can never learn too much, I know I keep learning thats for sure I ain’t no professional if I was I’d always leave room to learn.

Like I said just keep writing

Amy

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March 09, 2008

by fletchrwoo

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	53.8% (13 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	F	Detroit, MI	June 25

Thanks, I appreciate it.  I always want to get better also.

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