Thank you for your comment. You read a version that was already edited and most of the changes that you suggested were taken care of, and the others I will fix soon. Thank you much.
Romance / Silence
Silence
In the back of “Bobby’s Bed and Breakfast”, she lay in the hammock hidden in the dark, watching the stars and the moon with her eyes as her mind wandered asking herself; ‘Things are changed, they’re different now, when did this all happen, anyway? And where did she come from?’
“Is this a party of one, or do you have room for one more?”
“You have some of the worse lines I’ve ever heard, Baby Girl” The woman on the hammock answered
“Yet you still keep me around.” Baby Girl leaned into the hammock putting her head on her chest and an arm around her waist. They both fell in to silence, but not for long because Baby Girl can’t maintain silence for too long.
“Why were you out here alone?”
“I’m not out here alone you’re here with me.”
“I ment before I came out.”
“I was star gazing.” This is an evasive technique that she learned over time. It allowed her Baby Girl to ramble on about the stars, being one of her interest, while she goes back to thinking.
“And then I played with penguins.” she said with a little edge in her voice.
“Baby Girl, it’s too warm up here for penguins.”
“Just checking, to see if you were listening, though you only proved that you heard my last statement,” They both chuckle a little and slip back into silence.
“What are you thinking about?” she asked after a few minutes.
“What makes you think that I’m thinking about anything, right now?”
“Your heart, it was racing a second ago and then it slowed down.”
“Oh” she said slipping back into her thoughts.
“Well?” Baby Girl said trying to get some kind of answer. Disappointed she decided to wait a little while longer. Then out of the blue.
“I was thinking about …you,… how I was before you,…when we met…and …what it is that I feel now… if I missed how I used to feel and if…” she did not finish her last thought. Baby Girl remained silent but sat up and looked into her eyes and stayed silent for a long time waiting for her to continue.
“Your quiet, it’s unnerving” Baby Girl did not say anything.
“Hey you guys come on in” yelled the disembodied voice from the back door “were getting ready to open up the bar.”
Looking from her eyes to the door, Baby girl said;
“We’ll be there in a minute,” Then turning back to those eyes that she had been looking at; “You don’t talk much, and that’s ok, because I really do talk enough for the both of us. If you are trying to figure out if you want to break up with me or if its something else, please let me know at some point somehow so that I can respond appropriately ,because …I think I’m in love with you, and I’ve been wondering how you felt. If I’m way off base here let me know, and I’ll…. well I don’t know what I’ll do.” Still lying down on the hammock she sits up and places her index finger under the chin of her Baby Girl and pulls her into a kiss that keeps her silence, carrying with it the full impact of her passionate emotions that she is not able to express through words. They part slowly, she looks down slightly embarrassed and unable to meet Baby Girl in the eye just yet.
“Good” she says breaking the silence. She finishes climbing out of the hammock takes her had and leads her in the back door of the bed and breakfast where they toasted to kisses. After the toast Baby girl looked at her again and asked; “How did I become Baby girl anyway?”
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
robinDEredwine reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 512 word review has not been unlocked.
punkrockguru reviewed Version 3 -
Read 100% of the Item
i want to know what happens next!
- add/view comments (0)
mm_storyteller reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
“Things have changed, they’re different now, when did this all happen? Where did she come from whys is she here?” – Watch your tenses and comma usage…”Things are changed; they’re different now. When did all this happen, and why is she here? More importantly, why is she here?” Flows better in my opinion.
Punctuation: ““Is this a party of one or do you have room for one more.” – should be “Is this a party of one, or do you have room for one more?”
“She leaned into the hammock and they both fell in to silence, but knot for long because one of then can’t maintain it for too long.” – “knot” needs to be “not” for this to make any sense. Flows better if “because” is omitted and a comma splice(;) is put in.
“Why were you out her alone?” – “her” should be “here”.
“I mean before I cam out.” – “cam” should be “came” also flows better and makes more sense with “mean” being “meant”.
“This is an evasive technique she had learned over time that leads her girl to ramble on about the stars while she goes back to thinking.” – a confusing, run on sentence. I would consider revision.
“Just checking to see if you were listening but all you’ve proved is that you heard my last statement.” – should be “Just checking to see if you were listening, but all you’ve PROVEN is that you heard my last statement.”
Quick note: How does the one woman know the other’s heart was racing?
“I was thinking about …you… how I was before you…when we met…and …what it is that I feel now… if I missed how I used to me and if…” she slipped into silence not finishing her last thought. – This sentence has a very messy and complicated structure. I realize your attempting to give the allusion that the woman is rambling, but it can be done in a grammatically correct fashion.
“Her girl remains silent but sits up and looks her in the eye and stayed silent for a long time.” Tenses were mixed, no commas were added where they should have been, again weak structure and grammar. Should be “Her girl remains silent, but sits up to look her in the eye. She stays silent for a long time.” This keeps the tenses the same, and is more grammatically correct.
Many problems with this one…“Hey you guys come on in a disembodied voice shouted from the back door, were getting ready to open up the bar.” yelled the disembodied voice from the back door.” – First, to repeat disembodied voice from the back door is redundant. Second this is how the sentence should read… “Hey you guys come on in,” a disembodied voice shouts (watch tense again) from the back door. “We’re getting ready to open up the bar.” (The end)
Without copying and pasting the entire verse where one woman is exclaiming her love for the other, take a second look at it. There should be punctuation. That one sentence can be broken up into many.
I do like the fact that this is showing a love between two women, which you do not read often. Good job there. Don’t take criticism to hard, consider it constructive and move on. There is potential here.
mm_storyteller
wisedec4u reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is a promising piece of work. I liked the dialogue between the two characters. However, it came off a bit sloppy due to all the typos and grammatical errors throughout. That can be very distracting to your reader and it takes away from what you’re trying to accomplish with your story. Also, in the sentence: “Hey you guys come on in a disembodied voice shouted from the back door, were getting ready to open up the bar.” yelled the disembodied voice from the back door.” You don’t need to break it up by saying disembodied voice twice. One time is sufficient. I would suggest you read through your story more carefully and use spell and grammar check before posting it for review. I think you’ll recieve better feedback from your readers if you do. Good Luck!
photographer200 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
Okay, you have a story line going, and some characters, at least one with some attitude, while the other is still a little non-descript. But overall, you’ve created some tension between these two, and I can understand, mostly, what you’re saying.
Now, this probably isn’t nice of me to say, but I’ll say it anyway. You have a lot of grammatical errors, from misspelled words to improper verb tenses to poorly structured sentences. These may seem trivial, but they really take the spotlight off your work and put it on your errors. Before posting, you should do the best job possible to get rid of obvious mistakes … even have a friend (or friends) review it.
For example, let’s take the first introductory paragraph:
From the back of the bed and breakfast she laid in the hammock hidden in the dark, watching the stars and the moon with her eyes as her mind wondered. Things have changed, they’re different now, when did this all happen? Where did she come from whys is she here?
“Wondered” should be “wandered.”
”... she laid …” should be she “lay.”
“From the back of …” should be, “In back of …” or “Behind …”
“Watching … with her eyes …” with her eyes is unnecessary. Cut the words out. What else would she watch with, unless she was using a telescope or something like that.
”... from whys is she here?” Should be ”...from. Why was she here?”
Also, there are just too many unnecessary words that get in the way of your story.
You could shorten all this to …
She lay in the hammock and stared into the night. “Everything’s different,” she whispered. “I feel lost.”
That is just the first paragraph, and you have many similar mistakes throughout your work.
Now the banter is cute, the attitude of the one character is cute, you’re going somewhere with this, so just go back and work on it a little more. Okay?
Showing 1 - 5 of 5
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
2 Reviews 0 Comments
Version 3
Latest Activity: 8 months ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 17 Times
Skipped: 1 Time
Ratings & Rankings
