Poetry / Peaces Outside
There is a woman in my head
She is sitting on a bed
in a room with padded walls
and empty, whitewashed halls
staring at the door with eyes
that don’t answer when she’s called
and don’t reflect what’s said
There is this woman in my head
who’s kicked her heart under the bed
where it can’t be touched by anyone
or blinded by the midnight sun
staring at the door with eyes
expecting to recognize no one
expecting to see the dead
I see the woman sitting on the bed
her dark hair swept back on her head
showing her face in profile
to the moon’s soft light while
I get lost in those eyes
that seem to see for miles
chasing the dreams in my head
I know that woman sitting in my head
She lived and loved, her face said
She ran in green fields where
she made passion from thin air
finding love and then peace
and feeling beautiful there
before she became dead
There is a woman in my head
with pieces of her under the bed
hidden away until i found them
and uncovered and cleaned again
these parts of her torn away
Working with her care and her passion
is easy because I know her, she said
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the rythming is pretty crazy overall. at first it was entertaining and engaging, but then just became boring and predictable. i went through a dr. seuss phase too and that only good that came out of it is a good understanding as to when to use rythme and when it is just too sing-songy. youve got some wonderful images, but wedged in between them are lines that are kindy corny and seem to be out in just because they rythme. example:
There is this woman in my head
who’s kicked her heart under the bed
where it can’t be touched by anyone
or blinded by the midnight sun
i really feel if you cut out the “or blinded by the midnight sun” line this verse could be absolutely fantastic.
Also you lack of punctuation puzzles me. This poem would not only make more sense and be more complete with punctuation, it would flow so much better and be much more dynamic.
This poem has so much potential and i really look forward to seeing where you take it. keep me updated. :)
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i think the author sacrificed the meaning and flow of the poem so that it rhymes in some places.
i think the rhyming in this poem is distracting. the couplets are haphazard, over used. or don’t work. most of the rhymes are forced and distracting, along with the repatition of words. the constant reuse of head-bed-said makes the lines redundant and the poem boring.
i’m not sure if there was a form used [i thought it might be a vanelle, because of all the repeted words, but it doesn’t follow suit], if there was it’s not clear.
i would rework this by doing a rewrite without any of the rhyming, and then try to make it work with some synonmys and creating live breaks.
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