I’m glad you addressed the childrens’ rhyme. I went back and forth with it because I wasn’t sure if enough people would be familiar with it just to infer. Glad to see another viewpoint.
Poetry / that line
Holding my hand
in the parking lot
and I skip over gritty yellow
lines.
Promise me you’ll
buy me lunch
and really that’s all I need.
Later I take your hand in mine and,
bored, I study it.
Polished slick nails, a shiny ring, lots of
smooth, soft skin.
Lines
in your palm, you let me
open and
close your hand
to watch them crumple
and bloom.
Walking to the store with a friend
without you
for the first time ever.
Lines
in the sidewalk -
(don’t step on a crack
or you’ll break your mother’s back…)
so I don’t step on any of them
the entire way.
Then there were
lines
in the carpet
from the vacuum I didn’t run just perfect.
Now there are
lines
in your forehead
that you say are my fault.
These were the
lines
that formed the letters
when I wrote
(I’m sorry Mommy…)
but somewhere we crossed
that line
and you’re not Mommy anymore.
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nails29 reviewed Version 1 -
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That was sweet relating the open/close of a hand w/ crush and bloom. Those lines set the mood for the poem. Lines in the forehead is humerous, but with a little sting to it. I didn’t get a sense of lose from this. More that the girl/woman gained an awareness of herself. The last line shows that. I went through it and ignored all the “and”s. The poem read better. I put my thumb over “lots of” in the second stanza and prefered the way that read.
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Focker777 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow. awesome wording. it is very nice, and short. i think it should go on in this poem though.
jdgosslee reviewed Version 1 -
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A little more developement in thought would aid this poem. Perhaps by adding a few words describing the persons hand from palm reading and take out the part that uses the childrens rhyme, you infered it well with the previous lines. With some work this could definitely be a publishable poem. You are defintely at a place where you are beginning to write with your own voice, more editing will make this poem sing the all the notes you want to hit. In music and poetry, much of the time it is about the notes and words that are not played or written that the seasoned listener adds to the melody or poem.
malyshka reviewed Version 1 -
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Simply written, good imagery. I like the idea that by the end of the poem, the characters have changed. The last line puts a nice twist into the final understanding of the story. An enjoyable read, good job.
Joel reviewed Version 1 -
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This is pretty good stuff.
The only real problem I had was with the last few lines. I love the movement into, “we crossed that line.” But I think there needs to be something more solid preceding it to justify that crossing.
I’m not sure what the last line means. Assuming you are in a way disinheriting mother in this line, you didn’t make the case for it in the preceding words. I don’t mean in a glaring obvious, but in a subtle yet profound illustration of how the mother deserved such a penalty.
This is a very good poem. I liked it quite a bit.
Joel.
Maria reviewed Version 1 -
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I thought this piece was abstract, and felt like putting a puzzle together. I think I was lost after the third mention of lines. For an abstract piece, not bad. But I had a very hard time getting a visual. I think you could use more word play. I found the tempo to be uneven. I thought it was creative, but fell short of capturing emotion.
eemer101 reviewed Version 1 -
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interesting views and way you’ve expressed it, i like the smooth transition from childhood to adulthood.. it happens way too quickly for us all doesn’t it? Very simply and poignantly expressed. To improve, maybe give it a more continual structure from stanza to stanza, and work on the last few lines to give them the perfect wording.. i think it’s possible to get a very strong impact from these lines. Good work!
jmkalvelage reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you purposely call attention to the word “lines” every time it appears. It really pushes the point across hard when you establish the final line between the narrator and the mother, and ending on the narrator’s distance from the innocence of childhood really tells the rest of the story that isn’t written in the memories.
I also like a lot of the images you chose to set up all of the lines from the pavement in a parking lot to the lines the vacuum leaves in the carpet—and especially the description of the hand. I feel this stanza was the most in depth and painted the most vivid image and colorful language (the lines in the mother’s hand “crumple and bloom”).
One thing that felt a bit awkward in this poem was the rhythm. Though I see your purpose in separating the word lines, it really breaks the rhythm of the poem when read aloud. I’m not sure this has to be a necessary sacrifice. I think the concept of lines you were really trying to push would still be noticeable even without the breaks.
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