Thanks, mash. I was definitely going for light-hearted with a heavier undertone. Although (and perhaps this is due to the navel-gazing nature of reading review after review of a 200-word classroom exercise), I’m starting to wonder if it couldn’t be more than that. I haven’t decided yet if I want to give it that kind of time. I appreciate your thoughts.
Flash Fiction / The Haunted Assistant
It was only during the moments when her father was not with her — like right now, as he wandered around the common areas of the Hotel deGuerre tipping bellhops randomly — that Gretchen considered running away. The idea had been strong enough for her mother that the woman had left him for a lion tamer. “I need something substantial,” she had heard her mother sob to him. “There’s no magic when you know all the tricks.” The next morning, Father had told Gretchen that she would become Spartico the Mysterious’ assistant, and so she had stood on stage next to the illusionist for six months, on the road and in hotel rooms in Denmark, Austria, India, Japan, today San Francisco, tomorrow Portland. As she stood with their belongings in the foyer, wearing her favorite kimono from Tokyo,, and always keeping one eye on the hat her mother wore but did not take to the circus man, Gretchen saw the troop of Chinese acrobats file through the lobby with their heads bowed. All it took was one little girl to make eye contact with her and, taking the hat, she fell in line. The magician’s assistant would once again disappear.
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fmwrites reviewed Version 1 -
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This is haunting. The imagery is lovely, the snapshot approach works really well—you’ve given us so much in so few words. I understand the father both through his actions (the random tipping of bellhops and telling Gretchen what her job was now that mother was gone….The next morning? Well, we see where his priorities are…) The setting is perfectly rich in its sparseness: world travel, circus atmosphere. I support Gretchen’s escape based on what I know of her upbringing. As for her mother, I’m a little irritated by her selfishness, but they are travelling circus people after all. Odd, flighty…and those sexy magicians’ assistants tend to be presented with all sorts of opportunities to vanish, yes?
So, that’s a lot of goodness.
Now: the mixed tenses and/or your approach to the timing of events. I know this took place a long time ago, but you’re not sticking with past tense, because (understandably) you’re describing a photo/moment in time. So, you start with “now” (when the photo was taken). The events that preceeded that moment are told in past imperfect for the most part, but not all. In such a short piece, it tends to muddle things up when mixing phrases such as “like right now” and “she had stood on the stage for six months” and “always keeping one eye” and “she saw” and “tomorrow Portland” So many points in time.
Specifically, if “right now” is the time of the photo, then there are at least 6 months between “then” and the ending. The end, however, is technically the future… I think the timing/tense inconsistency might be most obvious between “As she stood on stage for six months” and “As she stood with her belongings in the foyer”—both are in past tense, but you’ve described her as being in that foyer “right now” at the beginning. Nearing the end (after the photo) you go with straight past tense: she SAW the acrobats and she FELL in line. Finally, you actually end with a possible future: The assistant would once again disappear.
I have some suggestions for copy edits that could help—you’ll be able to tighten it up some, for example by substituting “she” for “the woman.” And by not repeating “As she stood” two times in succession, we can make provide more clarity. I’ll save those for someday if/when you want/need them.
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mash reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent story + few words = good job!
This has a whimiscal feel to it that makes for a light-hearted read, even though it deals with bigger issues. There was an extra comma after Tokyo – and between that and the wording of the next part of the sentence, I was hung up there for a few minutes. Perhaps “Tokyo, always keeping”?
Caroline24 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is lovely, though I was a bit confused and had to reread it to figure out that her father was the illusionist and Gretchen was with him and the new assistant. Maybe you could add that her mother had left him AND GRETCHEN (that’s my way of doing italics on Urbis).
“Did not take to the circus man…” seems as though you should add “with her to the circus man…”
A nice piece.
JazzMomma reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh what fun! This could be a great opener for a more substantial story. A few lines could use some tightening, like the first, but overall I really enjoy how each line pulls me to find out what happens next. One thing that stood out to me was the reference her mother as “the woman.” In a broader story, this referral could allude to her lack of connection to her mother. However, in this short story, it seems she cares for her mother and follows her example – so perhaps a more endearing term could be used.
I can’t wait to read more of your work.
andra reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a really lovely piece, and the double meaning at the end doesn’t seem trite or forced, as these things so often do. The line “I need something substantial” really makes the piece – humourous and something of a play on words on one level, but masking a very serious issue within the relationship. This balances on a very careful line between absurdity and realistic writing, with elements of each but never straying too far to either side.
I have a few small suggestions. Minor proof reading point: there should only be one comma after Tokyo. More significantly, I got confused when you talked about her father in the first line – the main subject of the sentence switched so suddenly that I had to read back. A similar thing happens with “keeping one eye on the hat her mother wore but did not take to the circus man”, though I think it’s partially a matter of tense here – perhaps consider changing it to “the hat her mother had worn but never taken to the circus man”.
Those small details aside, I really liked this piece of writing and I look forward to seeing more of your work.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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Interesting exercise, and an imaginative story.
Time would be clearer in this short piece if “six months ago” were moved to “had left him for a lion tamer”.
Tokyo,, and = Tokyo. And . . .
hesir reviewed Version 1 -
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I loved this.
I probably could do with a revision or two to nail the final wording. But in essence it is right on the money.
“There’s no magic when you know all the tricks.” and the last line were perfect.
...the whole idea of running away from one circus to another smacks of “metaphor for life” in so many different ways it’s painful.
Great.
h.
medicalattache reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it’s a really interesting story. I like how you use time, but would make small changed. for example, the first sentence: “as he wandered around…” since we are talking about right now, he should be wandering. “As he wanders” or “is wandering. I’m sure its something that was written quickly and overlooked, but make sure the tenses are clear. I like how you play with memories against the present moment, though, especially within the first sentence.
I would apply the present tense to the end to keep it consistent. so, “As she stands with their belongings…” “All it takes is one little girl…taking the hat, she falls in line.”
I think this present tense would make it nice and immediate.
As a matter of taste, i would take out the last line. I feel that it does not need to be said. The reader gets the point without it.
Overall, its a terrific idea. The descriptions are simple and clear, and the sentiment is wonderful. thanks for writing.
RedShoe reviewed Version 1 -
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Given that there was a pre-set amount of space, I think I would have focused more on the daughter. The father has too much presence here and takes up valuable space.
mm_storyteller reviewed Version 1 -
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I think the part about her mother and the lion tamer should be explained a little more. After reading it I feel there is something missing. This piece fits well as flash fiction, and it flows nicely. I did enjoy the last line, “The magician’s assistant would once again disappear.” I felt it made for a good ending to the short piece. I would say with a little development and time put into it, this could be an interesting prologue to a longer story. Good job and keep writing!
mm_storyteller
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