Poetry / Games

You certainly have a lot of disgust for the subject in this piece but your imagery is a little too simple. It is easy to craft universally disgusting images for the reader, it takes more skill to write something that would actually hurt someone.

I am not sure why the subject of this piece is so terrible yet you describe their heart as holy. As for the last stanza, stagnant pool and broken toy seem to have very little to do with each other. Try and make these two lines more relevant to one another.

The piece as a whole is a little too short and seems to end abruptly. I think one  more stanza would help, maybe give a little more insight for why the subject is so hated, yet has an either actual, or self-proclaimed, holy heart.

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March 12, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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There is no “subject” to this poem, it is supposed to be a critique of the “games” that people play as they mature.  I may need to extend the poem to highlight that more.  The “you” and “your” is intended to be a pluralized pronoun.

The “holy heart” and “shining truths” lines are intended to be sarcasm.

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Nice, i really enjoyed reading this.

My favourite lines are probably the lines that i feel don’t contain the same rhyme and rhythm as the rest of the poem:

“Pretend with me today
That burning in your filthy loins
Is truly pure love”.

The second and third stanzas have a melody within them that comes from the rhyming of the first and third line.
It is kind of a shame the frist stanza does not share this, but as i was saying i really like the langauge you’ve expressed, which for me makes up for it.

This is good poetry. First line is very commanding in rhythm. And excellent sound contrast  on second line. 3rd line is nice and expansive. I’m not so keen on ‘holy’ though. It has an overly religious connotation for me, and though alliterated with heart, just over-commited it to a religious feel for me.
As i re-read stanza 1, i also think that you might need to write ‘That [the] burning in your filthy…’  < do you see the problem
I think in S2 you mean the ‘That’ to follow on from the ‘pretent with me’ from S1. However, it still doesn’t chime quite right. There is cognitive delay. Personally, i don’t think you’d lose anything doing something like ‘And pretend those maggot-crusted lies’  (note also my hyphen, which I think you need there)
In S2 i’d insert a dash, ellipsis, or even semicolon after ‘truths’. I also think you need a two syllable word either before or adfter the word ‘shining’
Then, on the final line of that stanza, I think you need a one syllable word before ‘wand’ring’
Otherwise, the rhythm is unfortunate in that region, which is a special shame given the nice topography of S1.
Ditto with S3, I’d personally do another ‘And pretend the stagnant…’., However, the syllables are all wrong either way. I think the best thing to do is to either alter structure of that stanza so it is not overly repetitious, e.g.
And pretend:
That the stagnant…
        
But the syllabic problem is in the the latter cluster of words in L2. I think the easiest way to solve it is to write ‘…stagnant pool [inside] your mind’
IN other words, the one syllable increase of ‘inside’ vs. ‘of’ solves the problems, optimising rhythm in that region.
But: the final 3 lines of the poem are really great.
So too was S1. So, if you could just resolve the rhythmical problems of those 2 or 3 lines as outlined, you could bring it to the level of S1 and have something really nice.
But it’s an 8.2 as stands.
Nice work.

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March 12, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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What do you think if I changed the “beacons” line to read “That light the night for wand’ring ships”  Then it would have the same syllable count as line four in stanza one.

I’m not sure why you think there should be a two syllable word before “shining.” S1 and S2 are written to mirror each other in syllable count, and that line has the right number according to the pattern.

Thank you for being the only person so far to really review this as a poem, rather than as some sort of personal commentary.

March 12, 2008

by Protagoras

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Yes, I’ve just looked at it again and those syllables are OK. Good. The only thing then slightly sub-optimal is the conjunction of the ‘t’ in ‘light’ with the ‘f’ of ‘for’. As I’m sure you realise, moving form a ‘t’ to an ‘f’ is not a very comfortable transition. A ‘t’ in that location should ideally be followed by a vowel.
In terms of the mirroring thing, well, it’s personal choice, but i don’t pay any attention to mirroring and so on. Further more, it’s not necessasirly to do with the number of syllables per se (i.e. in terms of creating mirroring via those number of syllables). It’s more to do with the AGGREGATED topography of the entire segment, whether it be one word, several words, a line, or a succession of lines. I know nothing about poetry and have never studied any or read more than 100 poems in my life, so this is intuitive. i could be wrong.
However, to answer your question, i can see what you mean. I did indeed enjoy the corresponding line in S1. It was just that I felt your best rhythm in that line would be more playful, rather than sedate/ conservative. However, i can also say that if you DID inject the two syllables there, then that line would have one of my favourite syllabic topographies, so i am biased: it would have the same topography as ‘the false azure of window pane’ (which is one of my favourite topographies from a Nabokov poem). This is probably why i strove towards that rhythm.
Also at work is that I actually hate symmetry between stanzas. I mean: really hate it. I prefer asymmetry, to be kept on my toes. This is probably why i hate the kind of house music where i can predict the next beat too. i prefer it when the bass line keeps me guessing. It’s just more beautiful to me, because to make it work is more complex. but you’re right – you could conceivably stick with youor rhythm there.
Regarding the ‘review it as a poem’, well, that’s probably an indirect result of me never really caring what a poem – or a story for that matter – is actually about. i’m more looking at the rhythm in any kind of writing, aside from intelligent metaphor, which i also appreciate.
you always give good reviews too, and, unlike myself, maintain an admirable diplomacy at all times!
best,
Oliver

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There is a lot of emotion in this. The frustration toward the ignorant, demeaning partner; who will never be anything but a disappointment. And yet you are still there, in the presence of their disgusting desire.  I can’t help but feel the author cares for the other, despite the all else, just pertend and I will accept still accept you.
Enjoyable read, well done.

Nice images and a very nice style. I would suggest some minor things to you:

add “that” to the end of the first line. yes, that becomes two in a row, but it makes the meaning of the sentence clearer and they’re on different lines.

end stanzas one and two with commas, so we know you’re still on the same sentence.

don’t capitalize the lines, because, again, this is all one sentence.

Apart from those issues, this really was a good read.

WEll! I guess I felt much anger in this piece. Your expression came through well. I felt this was very abstract. Your word play was good, but a bit graphic for my taste. To be honest I thought the tempo was off, and the read was a bit rough. Good work for dark poetry. But because of the mix I was not even sure this was intended as pure dark poetry. I can tell you have a writing talent in your word play, I think you could have balanced this piece better.

Wow, just too bitter.  The beginning stanza is beautiful with tremendous images, if not for the “filthy loins” crack.  And the ending line about “playing games” is just too sharp, as if the poet had forgotten that this is supposed to be poetry and had just gone instead into vitriole.  Calling a guy’s loins filthy is probably a reflection more of what this poet thinks about sex than the fact that the guy is actually filthy (which, I’m sure, is not what you meant) and the fact that he is genuinely interested in sex and needs it on a regular basis.  Now tell me, between two consenting adults, is there anything sexual that is really filthy, unless one of the two has a puritan frame of mind, locked in the Beaver Cleaver world of the 1950’s.  Obviously, we disagree.  This poem only made me happy to think that I had never encountered a woman like this.  May the fates preserve me from ever meeting one.    

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March 11, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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You are a funny man.  This poem is not about any one specific person, or gender, but is intended to be a critique of the games that people play as they mature, after they’ve “stopped playing games.”  Perhaps I need to go more into the dichotomy between children’s games and the  emotional and deceptive “games” that I see adults playing with each other all the time.  People have focused on the one “filthy loins” line and have come away with the wrong message.  However, I’m not sure if the fault is in the message or the receiver of the message.  If you’d like to see my myspace page to confirm that I am male, I can hook you up.

March 11, 2008

by wulfenstraat

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Yeah, let me see.

March 12, 2008

by metaphoricalsimile

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myspace.com/willy_d_style

this poem was posted a few years ago, so it’s a few pages back on my weblog.

March 12, 2008

by wulfenstraat

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I stand corrected on the gender of the poet.  However, I still hate “filthy loins”

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This is simply an AMAZING poem. I, as the reader, can feel what you are feeling through personal experiences and your vivid descriptions. Very good piece. Thanks for a great read. Hardcore Writer

Wow.  Really enjoyed this.

A couple of things to offer.  First, there is a bit of awkwardness having pure love both burn in the filthy loins, and bleed from the heart.  Second, the imagery in the second stanza is much weaker (used) than in your first and third stanzas.

I love the last stanza.  Very poignant.

Thanks!

Michael

Wow!  You mean this, don’t you?  The feeling in this poem is so stong that it is hard to judge it in any formalistic way.  I think you possibly overdo it in lines 2, 5 and 6 but the final stanza is really great – and set my mind spinning in all sorts of ways.

But … I am intrigued by the rhymes of lines 6 and 8, and why you have put an apostrophe in “wand’ring” [I think the flow would be OK without it, and there isn’t a formal rhythmic structure that I am aware of – it simply looks a bit mannered and archaic].  

As artifice, it doesn’t quite come off: as a howl of feeling it is loud and clear.  Full of duende!