Children's / A Wonderful Wonder
Past the oceans, the lakes, the rivers and streams.
Not Imagination, Not dream.
Past the mountains, valleys, houses and trees.
Is a girl named Hannah,
As curious as curious could be.
With glittering, sparkling, and twinkling eyes.
Looking up at the moon and star filled sky.
All was clear, no lightening or thunder.
This made her think a most wonderful, wonder.
Somewhere out there, there just had to be,
Someone out there, looking right back at me.
On another planet. Oh where could it be?
She closed her eyes, and started to see.
Above the mountains, valleys, houses and trees,
Way above the oceans, lakes, rivers and streams,
With big imagination and the dreamiest of dreams.
Into the sky, up…up…up…so high.
Away from the Earth, and up to the moon.
Flying straight up like a big balloon.
Waving to the planets as she passes them by.
When all of a sudden, something caught her eye.
Zigging and zagging,
Across the universe she flew
Towards the planet,
That was strange and new.
Over the oceans, lakes, rivers, streams,
The mountains, valleys, houses and trees,
Slowly she came, down…down…down from the sky.
To see a little girl,
With glittering, sparkling, twinkling eyes,
Looking up at her moon and the same star filled sky.
She waved to the girl and then she said,
“My name is Hannah, I came from the sky.
I flew through space, just to say hi!”
As she said “Hi”, her eyes opened slowly.
There she was awake in her bed,
Her trip through space,
Was just a dream in her head.
The blinds went up, and in came the light.
The Day had come, it was no longer night.
Her mother said, as she saw Hannah frown,
“Don’t worry dear. At the end of the day,
Night comes back around.”
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First of all I just wanted to say that your sister is a lucky girl as that was a beautiful thing that you wrote for her!
Breakdown of the points I gave you:
Publishable overall = 8 – I could defintely see this in a children’s anthology.
To have talent worth shaping = 10 – points say it all; it was wonderful.
Be admired for = 10 – both for the writing talent and the obvious affection for your sister.
create a convincing alternate reality and interesting plot and characters so that my novel will be published = 5 sorry for the low score but I don’t think that this criteria was raelly needed for what you wrote.
book of own writings = 8 – if they are as good as this then I could see it.
Amuse / Entertain / Warm a few hearts = 10 – did all three for me
Children’s – Overall = 8 – as I said I thought that this was very good on many levels (the writing and the emotion conveyed, plus it works for children)
I think that you managed to conjure up the innocence and wonder of a child’s fantasy really well. I especially loved this part: “She closed her eyes, and started to see.” That summed it all up for me, Hannah could see without seeing :o)
Keep it up!
Jay
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I love love love this poem! The word choice is perfect and imagery is superb. I think that it would make a fantastic children’s book, and would buy it as soon as it was released! No changes needed, you’ve done a wonderful job. :)
I think with the rhyming lines, that this would be more fitting into the poetry category. I think it would be nice to see you develop this a little bit more, maybe having Hannah interact with the “other Hannah” ( her other self?).
Otherwise, good effort.
This is a nice poem/story. It is very sing-songy. A lot of children’ would like this. My only thing is that this I feel like I have read this type of thing before. It isn’t very original. If you wanted to get this published, it needs to be more unique. Overall, very nice.
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