Thank you for your review. Sometimes real life events can seem unbelievable, but I assure you in this case, they are real…very real. The things that you read here have happened. As for the love in this- As you read you will see that love hurts. It hurts, and can completely destroy a person in a way that makes them see that they can be better, and strive for that perfection.
Young Adult / Chapter One- New Beginnings
How many people have fallen in love with someone, then had their feelings rejected? You know, the feeling you get right when you’re about to tell the one you love, whether it be a man, or a woman, that you can’t stand to spend one minute away from them; That it completely tears you apart to picture them with someone else, and you can’t seem to think anyone else would be right for you…that feeling. The butterflies in the stomach, yet complete dread that they won’t say the same thing back, and all at the same time you feel like you could float on a cloud. What happens when that feeling takes a turn for the worst? What if you told that special someone that you love them, and would do anything for them, and they said absolutely nothing in return. Didn’t say one word here nor there to you ever again. What happens then? Well if you want to know what happened to Selena continue reading…I promise this to be a tale of nothing more than complete heartbreak, dread, and sadness. But sometimes, a person can be so dreadfully heartbroken with sadness…something good might just happen.
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It all began when Selena was sixteen years old. She had been homeschooled for several years due to her intense agoraphobia. Even looking at a mass of people, made her heart feel as if it were about to beat out of her chest. Selena had gone to public school when she was younger, people didn’t really like her much though. As a matter of fact, people were so cruel to her that she grew to hate them, and herself. She didn’t wear the brand name clothes that the other kids wore, and her personality was so different, so zany that people didn’t take to her. Once, her school had a crazy hair day, so she decided to go as Al Phalfa from her favorite movie. She woke up an hour early to prepare her pixie cut hair style, into the one tall, sharp point in the middle of her head. Not many people talked to Selena at school that morning. Then during lunch, one of the popular boys, Tommy, came right over to her, and rubbed his mashed potatoes in her hair and messed it up. As he dug his fingers through her hair, making sure to get the thick, sticky food ground in evenly, Selena began to realize what was actually happening. She tried to move away, but Tommy clenched his fingers so that she couldn’t move. He pulled her head back, stared directly into her tear filled eyes with his icy blues, and said, “We don’t like freaks. What a waste of life. Why don’t you go kill yourself, but don’t bleed on the carpet. People have to clean that shit up.” Selena was absolutely mortified. She looked around the lunchroom, which had gone from being loud and boisterous, to the now dead silence where a pin could drop and everyone would hear it. She saw everyone looking at her, some smiling in agreement of what Tommy did, others shocked in disbelief, and worst of all those who saw what happened, but chose not to say anything in her defense. Not able to hold the tears back anymore, the only thing she could think to do was run out of the room, to hide in the bathroom for the remainder of the day. When she went home, nothing got better. When she walked through the door the first thing she saw was broken bits and pieces of ceramic houses that her mom liked to paint.
“Mom and dad fighting again I’d presume,” she said to her brother as she walked through the debris to the kitchen where he was reading a Boy Scouts magazine.
“You guessed it. Wanna know what it was about this time,” he asked.
” Let me guess, bills? Oh, how about how much money mom has spent, or my personal favorite, “Peter! You just don’t love me anymore! Lets go with that last one…mom has been rather insecure lately,” Selena replied.
“Oooh close, but no cigar dumbass. They are fighting about you. Mom cleaned the pigsty you call a room, and found that poetry of yours. Have something you’d like to say,” he asked with a sarcastic cock of his head.
“WHAT? I was going to clean it when I got home! What was she doing? Searching it? Am I under some sort of surveliance or something? What the fuck? Did she read it? That’s my personal writing, it’s NONE of her business,” Selena ranted as the anger rose in her throat, while she clenched her hands into fists so tight that her arms began to shake.
“Oh so the invisible daughter thought that shit like that would just fly,” Andrew said tauntingly, “Let’s see, would you notice me already? For all the things I do, would you notice me already, not just look right through? What a load of bull that is Selena. What about the one where you said they love me, not you, and how did you put it? You’re room is a cave of neverending torment of the love you’ll never feel from them? Grow up Selena.”
“Don’t make fun of me Andrew! You have no idea WHAT I feel or think, and it was none of your damn business to read any of it,” Selena screamed!
“Awe, now isn’t this a sight! Is Selena getting angry,” he asked as he stood up and began to circle around her slowly, “Hmmm…Now, why don’t you go write that into a poem? I think I have a pen and some paper in my room if you need it!”
Selena worked her way around him, running back to her room. It was completely torn apart. Papers with her poetry scattered all over the floor, clothes hanging sporadically off of things, her mattress overturned. Selena found a place to sit near the middle of the room, on the floor. Picking up one of the papers, she recognized her poem, “Life is a Living Hell to Live.” She sighed and began to read it. Halfway through, tears swelled in her eyes. She truly believed that life was hell. Then her mom came in furious as ever. She stood right in the doorway, in her floral print moomoo, and the vein in her neck was three times the normal size. You could always tell how mad she was by the size of that vein.
“So, you are actually stupid enough to write shit like that?”
“Mom, those were my things. My personal thoughts. You had no right to rifle through them,” Selena softly answered.
“You little bitch. Well, since I make your life so hard, I’ll move out. I’m leaving. My bags are packed and I am moving out immediately. Thank you for letting me know how much you think of me,” she said in a sarcastic tone.
“Mom, I don’t want you to move out, those poems were just me writing. I don’t hate you, I love you please stay.”
“Why would I want to stay in a house where I have an invisible daughter? You have no idea how bad,” she paused for a moment and moved closer to Selena, she flinched, putting her arms up in front of her to protect herself. That only pissed her mom off more, ” What the fuck is that? You think I’m going to hit you? I CAN SHOW YOU HELL! I’ve been through it!”
Selena’s heart pounded harder and harder in her chest. Her mother grabbed her tight around the arm, and began to slap her face. “Mom, I’m sorry please stop! I love you! Stop, ” Selena begged.
Lana, Selena’s mother, let go and started to walk away. “You’re not worth the trouble. Get rid of them. All of them, then clean up this mess. Can’t have people thinking I run a dirty house. Jesus Christ Selena!”
As her mother walked away, Selena laid on the floor in a ball, rocking back and forth. “This didn’t happen, they didn’t read any of this, they don’t know. Things are going to be fine, they are going to leave me alone now. They can’t hurt me anymore,” Selena thought to herself. She cried herself to sleep as the musky smell of her mothers perfume faded in the distance.
Things like that on a day to day basis, made her think that there was something wrong with her. Being overweight didn’t help her self-esteem either. Selena didn’t want to be heavy set, she just couldn’t excersize because everytime she did, she got sick to her stomach. All of these teasings, and torment at home, provoked her to attempt to kill herself.
The night that she tried to do it, all she could think of was the people that seemed to hate her. She couldn’t understand how people could hate her so much, even when they didn’t know her. She never was the type to just open up to someone right off the bat. That made her hate herself even more, it was her fault that people hated her. This is why she overdosed on her mother’s pain pills…it’s also the reason that she landed herself in a psychiatric ward for two months.
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”Ring, ring, ringing away, walls, walls, aren’t singing today,” Selena softly sang as she laid on her plastic mattress with itchy sheets that the hospital said constituted a bed, while she stared up at the white washed ceiling of her room. “Whatcha think Will? Am I cut out to be a lyricist?”
Will turned in his seat to look at her. He was sitting in the doorway, because Selena had been put on suicide watch the night before. He was in his twenties, had light brown hair, green eyes, and wore vintage tee shirts that clung to him like plastic wrap! “You could do anything you wanted to Selena, you just have to believe in yourself.”
”Ha ha ha, trying to put the whole of light in me are you? I’ve been here for almost a month and a half now, and you seriously think that is going to work. You are a funny one aren’t you Will,” Selena scoffed sarcastically.
”Come on Selena, it’s time for anger management,” Will said as he looked back out into the hallway.
Selena quickly jumped up off of her bed, and walked out into the hall, dragging her feet as she walked to the community room for therapy. She took a seat at the far corner of the room and watched as the true loons walked in. Once everyone was seated, Mrs. Markom came in and took her seat by the wellness chart.
”Roll call! Tina? Gerry? Matt? Hailey? Kaitlyn? Cailia? Norman? Megan? Cas? Joe? Becka? Lex? Max? Sonny?...” Mrs. Markom continued to take roll, and after every name she called there was a “Here” in response.
As I looked around the room, most of the people looked normal to Selena. She couldn’t find one thing wrong with them. Their hair was natural colored, everyone looked the same due to the scrubs the hospital issued, nothing looked out of place. Well…almost nothing. The only person she saw as completely nutty, and a bit scary was Lex. He thought that he was the cowardly lion from the “Wizard of Oz.” The first day that she was in that god forsaken place, Lex woke her up by jumping around her room looking for some dog!
”Selena? Selena, ” the girl next to Selena nudged her.
”Here,” Selena answered.
”Today we are going to do an exercise using this teddy bear. Now, the object is to pretend that the bear is someone that you are angry at. Someone that you need to confront about how your feeling. You should speak to the bear as if it’s the person that you are talking to. This will give you the chance to get out everything, so that you can move past your emotions to get to the root your problems. Hopefully, once you’re past the emotions, you can move forward in your therapy and be on the road to getting better, ” Mrs. Markom said. Selena rolled her eyes. She couldn’t believe how dim the therapist was. How could a stupid bear possibly do all of that? “Hmmm…Selena…you look particularly like a volunteer, why don’t you go first? Just take the bear, sit in the middle of the room and talk to it.”
Selena heard the subtle sarcasm in Mrs. Markom’s voice, “Why of course! LOVE TO!,” Selena replied in a more forthright sense of sarcasm. She took the bear and sat down in the middle of the room. As she held the bear in front of her, she could feel everyones eyes on her. “Mrs. Markom, this is ridiculous!”
” Selena, we are not leaving until you do this…” Mrs. Markom replied.
Rolling her eyes once again, Selena looked back at the bear. Then all of a sudden, she saw her mothers face in it. “Mom? Why do you hate me? All I have ever done is try to make you proud and yet for some reason, I don’t even make a dot on your radar. Why don’t you want to spend time with me? What is so great about Andrew? I mean, sure he has the friends, gets good grades, and is the perfect child…but why didn’t you want me? I know, I know…I almost killed you when you gave birth to me. It’s not like that’s my fault. Why do you tell me that EVERY mother’s day? I want and need a mother. I want to share my life with you, why won’t you let me? Why do you call me the things you do? I’m not a bitch, I’m not stupid, I’M NOT A BAD DAUGHTER,” Selena screamed at the bear. With everyone’s eyes fixed on her like she was a television screen with a horror movie on it, she began to get more physical with the bear, ” Why did you send me here? Am I so horrible that you didn’t want me? WHY? WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME? ANSWER ME!!!,” Selena hollered as she stood on her knees and hit the bear into the ground. ”I hate you for hating me! I hate you for never seeing me! I hate you for letting bad things happen to me, for never seeing me, for never hearing me…” With each phrase, Selena beat the bear harder. At this point her knuckles started to bleed from the pounding, so much so that her hands were covered in the crimson fluid and barely recognizable. ” I hate you for not being there!” She grabbed the teddy bears arms, one in each hand. “I hate that you make me hate myself!!!!!”
With one swift and strong pull the teddy bears arms tore off. That power felt good to her. Selena then proceeded to rip and tear at the bear as she screamed nothing in particular until the bear was in shreds on the floor. When she let go of the bear, she stopped and sat back. Her hands in front of her face, she was looking at them void of expression. It was as if every emotion had gone from her. All she could do was sit, and stare at her hands. Will came in the room, and took her out of the room to her bedroom. When they got there, there was already a first aid kit on the bed. Will made Selena sit beside it as he cleaned her hands and bandaged them.
After a bout of silence, Will spoke. “So…what was that kid?”
”Don’t call me a kid like you know me or something…”Selena replied.
”My bad. Just thought maybe you have more to say than you let on,” He muttered.
”I just want out of this hellhole. I mean, god! Who do you all think you are? Nurses. Nothing more. That’s what you are. Yet you try to act so high and mighty, as if you could fix us…We don’t need fixed! We are going to be fine…”Selena said.
”Really? Could have fooled me. Picking a fight with a roomate over her not talking, then that performance in therapy? Damn. I MUST be wrong,” Will commented sarcastically.
”What is with all of the sarcasm? I’m sick of it,” Selena scoffed then winced in pain, “Hey! What do you think you’re doing? That hurts!”
”Just finishing the bandaging. Cool it, it’s not that bad. There you go…All done. You should stay in here for a bit, cool off. I’m sure after that outburst, they’ll put you on meds and ship you out of here soon. It’s good knowing ya, kid,” Will said with a laugh as he left.
Selena laid back on her bed, looking back up at the same white ceiling as before, but something was different. Now, she didn’t feel like singing. Now, she didn’t feel…anything. Tears welled in her eyes, and for the first time in a very long time…she missed home.
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Selena thought that she was finally ready to go back to a public school. Scared, and nervous out of her wits, she walked into the school, dressed as normally as she could in her bootcut jeans, long sleeve, white cotton shirt, and brand new sneakers. She had even done up her now long beautiful blonde hair into a french braid, and put on makeup to the best of her ability. Seeing how many people walked around her, made her think that this was the last thing in the world she wanted to do…All she wanted was to go back home to dig her nose into her schoolbooks, and finish out school online. Deciding to wait it out, her first three classes went by in a flash. On her way to next class, she was caught by an old friend in the hall.
”Rosie! Wait up!” Someone yelled from down the hall. Selena recognized the voice, and the nickname immediately.
Jay was slightly shorter than Selena, had black hair and brown eyes. Selena and Jay had been nicknamed Dan and Roseanne because they were the perfect match, and were completely redneck like Roseanne Barr. “What’s up Dan?”
”What’s up? Its been forever since I’ve seen you and all I get is a ,”what’s up”,”Dan said offended.
”Sorry, I’m out of it. This is the first time I’ve been back here since…well…you know. I missed you, for what it’s worth,” Selena said sincerely.
Dan hugged her. “I missed you too! I have to run now though, I have a class in back hall this period. Where are you at?”
”Just there,” she said pointing to the classroom.
”Okay, I’ll be back after class to walk you to your locker, Okay?” He asked.
”Sure, I’ll be waiting,”Selena said.
”Great,” Dan replied with a kiss, then proceeded to run down the hall.
Fourth period. She went in and sat down in her seat and waited for it to start. She loved English classes, so she knew that this would be her favorite time of day. A few minutes later, all of the students finally came in and sat down. Following them, was a man in beige slacks, and a maroon sweater, who immediately said, “Roll Time!”
As if it were a loud bell, everyone quieted down as he took roll, and introduced himself.
“My name is Mr. Poe-Thoreau, and I’ll be your Academic English teacher. Now, everyone stand up. You’ll be sitting in alphabetical order.”
He started telling everyone where they sat, and in the confusion, Selena couldn’t hear him. When she went over to ask him where he had said she was supposed to sit, he said, “Not listening on the first day…Not a good sign for you is it?”
Selena couldn’t have felt more humiliated, she scanned the room to see if anyone had heard him. Her hands started figdeting with her shirt, and she couldn’t look the man in the eyes. She really was trying to listen, everyone was just being so loud that she missed it. He instructed her where to sit, then she went over almost at a run to sit down and hide for the rest of the period.
During the class, she noticed her new teachers habits. He wasn’t like other teachers. He sat on his desk when he talked. He also wore some sort of beaded neck chain. After he had the class introduce themselves he talked about himself.
” I hate Walmart. Absolutely refuse to shop there. First it takes you an hour to find a parking spot, then you wind up in the boonies, have to walk all the way to the store, then after you find what you want, you have to wait just as long in line! It’s ridiculous. I have two cats, one I named Romeo, and the other is new. I haven’t named him yet. I like to get to know an animal, see their personalities before I name them, so that the name will suit them. I don’t watch television, except for the news and weather. I love Edgar A. Poe, to me his writing is dark, but personable, and in some way it captures the readers by making you relate to it. Poe is a god I think…no pun intended…haha, get it? My name,” after a reasonable silence, “Anyway, this year we will be reading folklore, poetry, short stories, and it is a requirement that you finish a research paper. I hope that you enjoy this class, and I’m sure we’ll get along. You get the respect you give.”
Initially, she thought that he was a generally crazy, insensitive, but all together a funny man. He had a really odd sense of humor, and liked all of the things that normal people pass off as scary. Poe-Thoreau told everyone to go out and buy a journal, as he would expect them to write in it twice a week.
”These journals will be for your use. There will be prompts up on the board if you don’t know what to write, but you can tell me anything. I certainly won’t judge you for what you say, and I won’t tell anyone what you write. I do comment along the way of reading them though. Consider them like a diary that talks back to you,” The bell rang, ” Okay everyone, class dismissed.”
Selena thought that this was her chance to finally talk about her past, to tell someone, to trust someone with everything about herself. He said he wouldn’t tell anyone. Instead of keeping everything bottled up, she could finally express everything she thought about EVERYTHING! This journal, was to be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship, and with that thought, she left the class and made it through the day with a smile, and hope.
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Jessica42 reviewed Version 2 -
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YOu begin this very good. The descritons grab the reader’s attenetion.
The story is very thoguht provocing. Your dexcritions of emtions, and use of dialouge are wonderful. YOur writing flows wonderfully from one sentence to the next. The subject of this is perfect for a young adult audeince. I might consider changing “It all began when Selena was sixteen years old. She had been homeschooled for several years due to her intense agoraphobia” to something like “At the age of sixteen Selens had already been homschooled for several years…” By saying “it all began” you directly address the reader, which makes them disconnect with teh story.
Overall, I really liked this and think tha tyou can go really far. This story was polished, and made me want to read until the end. The events of the story are well described and dramatic and the ending is perfect, with just the right amount of hope and happiness after all that struggle.
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Mikhail_S reviewed Version 2 -
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Some grammar issues which I’m sure you’ve been pre-patronised about, but I will re-iterate them since they are important I believe to your success at mastering the language and indeed your self-expression. Be careful about the capitalisations before semi-colons. The use of excessive tautologies and so on. These wear down the quality of the piece.
I have to say that the opening ruminations are often more to do with our expectations of being in love… what yoy discuss is a factor, but I felt these ruminations to be more synonymous with the stuff of fiction than actual relationships in particular.
I feel there could be more command in the voice of this piece. It will improve in leaps and bounds as they author develops and so on, but there are moments in the narrative that come across as reductive. Moments along the lines of “things like that” which struck me as a rather shrewd shorthand for actual descriptive clout.
There are moments in the dialogue when the characters are angry and you have them talking in a calm tone of voice. This seems somewhat contradictory on the whole.
You have the makings of an interesting melodrama here, I think it could progress rather well with persistence. Tidy up some of the repetitive faults in the narrative, the misplaced commas and spelling errors and so on and it will improve as a piece of fiction.
Best of luck,
Mikhail
AmyWalker reviewed Version 2 -
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Definitely an awesome story I actually read it all the way to the bitter end, although I did come across afew minor setbacks.
Down below I have afew suggestions or I came across some minor hiccups.
This line here on page 7
“This will give you the chance to get out everything, so that you can move past your emotions to get to the root your problems.”
I think you mean’t “This will give you the chance to get out everything, so that you can move past your emotion and get right down to the root of your problems.”
Page 8 – “I mean, sure he has the friends, gets good grades, and is the perfect child…but why didn’t you want me? I know, I know…I almost killed you when you gave birth to me. It’s not like that’s my fault.”
My suggestion: I would say “I mean sure he’s got friends,good grades, the perfect child, but why didn’t you want me?...... & so forth.
Page 9 – “We don’t need fixed! We are going…” You can either use We don’t need fixing or we don’t need to be fixed!”
Upto you in the end they are just suggestions.
Overall the story is good, it takes awhile to settle into the story but once your in, the story is awesome stuff.
Keep up the good work
Amy
FLHotnizz reviewed Version 2 -
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This story grabs you right from the beginning. You instantly feel sorry for the main character Salena and can relate to her. As a teenager high school can either be the best or the worse experience in your life. Readers can relate to Salena and how she feels like everyone hates her, how she hates herself and just wants to die. As a result of being sympathetic towards Salena, readers also instantly dislike her family members especially her mother who seems to have several issues of her own. I didn’t get a chance to read all 13 pages but what I did read so far was captivating and held my attention. The part with the teddy bear was well written. I could almost visual the scene in my head as I was reading it and felt her anger, pain and resentment towards her mom for bringing her into this world and then abandoning her and making her feel unwelcomed and unloved.
KidMemnoch reviewed Version 2 -
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This was a really good read. It didn’t bore me at all and I actually enjoyed reading it unlike a lot of the stuff on here I just read to get points. Your dialogue is excellent. Each character sounds unique and is realistic. A couple things I found funny though were for instance, Selena’s fist bleeding from punching a stuffed teddy bear. I’m pretty sure that’s impossible. Also, I thought she started talking to the bear too fast and too full out. Should have been more gradual since she had said just a second earlier that it was ridiculous, even if there are strong emotions having to do with her mother. This was very good though. I really think you got something here and I want to read more. I especially want to see what happens when her teacher starts reading her journal. Good luck in all your future endeavors and keep writing because I’m sure you’ll make it someday.
punkrockguru reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the idea of begining with the prolog – very smart choice, made me want to dive into the story. however, you repeat a lot of things – maybe try revising your sentences so that you don’t have to do that. The last sentence of the prolog was great especially – it got me hooked.
in some of your writing, you go a bit comma crazy. remember that sometimes words flow on their own.
also, when describing how school was for Selena, be sure to tell what grade she is in. for example, I dont think a second or third grader would tell someone to kill themselves but dont bleed on the carpet, etc. a fifth or sixth grader however just might. also, tell us about her zany personality? what makes selena so different and unliked?
i want to mention how well u portray broken homes and families. it all fits, but you might want to make it more how people actually talk. I dont mean the language – i’m fine with that – i mean how the words come togther. think of how you would actually talk, and write that.
one of the smartest and also my fave part is with selena and the bear. so truthful and so so wise. great job!
i’m really looking forward to hearing more about selena’s story and world. so please keep writing – youve got something here.
IndyWalsh reviewed Version 2 -
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Your story lacks emotion. You show us the emotion instead of allowing us to feel it. When the kind puts his mash potato in her hair? You tell us tears build up in her eyes. There’s no emotion in tell people she was crying. We want to be able feel, empathize and sympathize with and for your characters, thats what makes a story real. Feelings and emotions, it comes with practice, lots of practice, it also takes a lot of research also, looking into such things, the psychological aspect of it.
You also state at the very beginning she was home schooled due to her agoraphobia, agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder – show it. We want proof that this kid is what you say she is. Its the only way the reader can believe the story your telling is through the way you communicate it to them. Telling is often boring as we can’t get anything from the story, we’re merely just reading the words as they’re set out for us, get your audience to think about it, place pictures in their head, make them think about how this affects people. That evokes emotion. Makes it believable and whatnot – I’ll stop on that one, I seem to be repeating myself.
Another thing, your story is purely a lot of it is made up of dialog. I’d advice changing that.
How are you writing?
Whats the state of mind when you’re writing?
Are you listening to music when you write?
- I find that if I listen to music when I write [the right kind obviously, find something fitting to what you’re writing.] it makes my thoughts become more vivid, as I am a thoughtful writer, I write what I think in full detail. I find that helps, maybe that might work for you, you may want to try it.
Uh, good effort I might say, despite the contrary.
moonwarrior reviewed Version 2 -
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i have a few words to describe this…. wonderful, great, awesome, and ect. i like you dictions and the description but in some places i think it could use a little more description. like tell when selena first goes to the mental hospital. what happened on that first night? what was going through her mind that night? that would be a pretty big day in her life, well that’s what i would think. other that that all i saw was some small spelling errors. great job! :)
c2darad reviewed Version 2 -
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The point of view is a little off. The prologue sets the mood for a first person story, but then the narrator disappears from the story but seems to know all of Selena’s intimate thoughts. In the sentence ‘As I looked around the room, most of the people looked normal to Selena.’ the point of view changes. That doesn’t work. Also why did she need to bandage her hands from a Teddy Bear? When I think Teddy Bear, I think a stuffed animal. How could that possibly hurt her hands? This part seemed unrealistc to me. Also the story jumps around a bit. You mention she has been homeschooled for a while and that she use to go to public school when she was younger but didn’t because of her fear of school (then you mention an incident that seemed to be one of the many reasons she didn’t like school). Then the home life, then the psych ward….then you jump to her heading to public school. It could be so much cleaner. The way you ended it was great. If this was the end of chapter one I wouldn’t hesitate to continue to chapter two. But it does leave me wondering again…is this the journal her mom finds? Is it skipping around again? This is a perfect subject for young adult. I’m sure there are many girls this age who feel this way about their mom and school life. I couldn’t find any major grammar or spelling errors to correct.
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 2 -
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This story has potential, but it needs a bit of work. Firstly, I would cut down on my criteria. You can take out most of the publishing crit and just leave the “Publishable-Overall” one. Secondly, you have a couple of grammatical issues. For instance, your last sentence might be clearer if you took out the unecessary comma after journal and made a new sentence with “With that thought. . . .” The beggining part was a little confusing, becuase it seems like she’s supposed to be a little kid during the potatoes/poetry incident, yet she and her brother talk like they’re a lot older. Also, it says that she was homeschooled for several years, but from what I understood she went to therapy and then to highschool without being homeschooled. Dan appears kind of randomly; it never really says where they know each other from, and it seems a bit awkward for him to be kissing her if they’re seeing each other for the first time in years. I think your teacher has a lot of potential as an interesting character, but his name’s not really Poe-Thoreau, right? I know this review probably sounds a little harsh, but you have a potential for a great story if you tighten it up a lot. I wouldn’t waste time reviewing if I didn’t think you did.
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16 Reviews 13 Comments
Version 2
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
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| Version 2 |
| Version 1 |