Blame Buffy for that. I’m here to break some cliches and stereotypes, so might as well begin with that one. ;)
The Runes become much more integral to the story, and they are not so predictable as they appear. Nothing is for certain until it has been revealed. So have faith.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Chronicles of the Slayer - Book I, Chapter 1 (First part)
It was still dark in her room when Maereth Raevern woke up. Her body was tingling as her eyes suddenly flew open. The room was silent beneath the soft, rhythmic panting of her breath. Nothing stirred, even in the cold air. She swallowed hard, forcing her respiration to slow to a more comfortable pace, which allowed her to think without panic. Something had startled her completely from her deepest sleep, though she was not frightened. Fear was not unknown to Paladins, who are considered among the most heroic and noblest of warriors, but from an early age, they were trained not only to face their fears, but also to conquer them. Tales of such unmatched fearlessness, as told among the common folk in songs and ballads around the taverns, have romanticized this extraordinary ability to be a gift from the Archon of Light, whom the Paladins are sworn to protect and serve. And while it is true that the Archon does bestow upon Her most faithful with the divine blessings of Her sacred Rune, their ability to overcome fear is no more than a skill learned through practice, discipline, and rigorous training, and it was one that Maereth was exceptionally good at.
Within a moment of calming her breathing, the young woman quickly invoked the image of a Rune in her mind. The elegant, sweeping curves glowed with a red and orange light, giving it the appearance of an artist’s fanciful interpretation of an open flame. When the first Runemasters began identifying the known runes of the world, they had determined that this one was called Furea, and that it contained the spark of Fire that was possessed by all living creatures. Of the lesser elemental runes, Maereth discovered that her affinity for Furea was the strongest, which didn’t surprise her closest peers who knew it was most common among people who were passionate, loyal, and often aggressive. The image slowly burned away in her mind as she immediately began to relax again. It was a quick meditation exercise she had learned to focus herself before a battle, and it would have helped her in this instance to reflect on what had happened… if she could only remember what it was.
The tingling sensations within her faded quickly as she took in her surroundings. Her eyes had adjusted to the thick veil of blackness, allowing her to discern familiar shapes within the shadows. The solid oak chair was seated squarely beneath the matching desk where she had placed fresh garments in neatly folded piles the night before. Steel and silver bits reflected ever so gently in one darkened corner of the room where her armor was carefully displayed on an armature. The great armoire loomed over the other pieces of furniture, which were cut from the same wood and applied with the same finish to match the writing desk and bedposts. All was as it should be, Maereth noted, but she knew better to trust her instincts before outward appearances. Whatever visions or haunts had visited in her sleep was sent as a warning. That much, she knew, though the details of the message, and perhaps even the messenger, had eluded her thoughts upon waking up. But what was the warning for? The Citadel remained at peace in the stillness of night. There was neither movement, nor sound that she could detect, and the bells had not sounded yet in over twenty years, long before Maereth had even seen the white spires of the Citadel of Light. Perturbed, she finally conceded to her inability to recall the dream… assuming that it was, in fact, a dream… and decided on her next course of action; she closed her eyes again and bade for sleep to take her over once more.
No sooner than after she took her next breath, she heard noises coming from the end of the long hallway outside her door. Voices were accompanied by the loud rapping of plated gauntlets beating on wooden doors in quick succession. Someone was rousing her men before dawn and making their way towards her. The muffled voices grew stronger and clearer as they approached, but she could not make them out, though she expected they would have a very good reason for this.
Throwing the covers off, Mareth moved instinctively in the darkness towards the chair with her garments, and donned them quickly as she listened closely to the noise growing outside her door. The regiment of Paladins, known as the Morning Glory under her command, was mobilizing in response to someone else’s orders. Of the other captains at the Citadel, few were so bold or arrogant as to take command of another’s troops unless under the most dire or important of circumstances. As she fastened a few strategic buckles to secure her clothing just adequately enough to keep them from slipping, she quickly surmised that either the messenger was of a higher rank or her premonition had been prematurely dismissed. She was hoping for the former when she took her sword belt from its place, hanging on the bedpost within her reach, and stepped towards the hall.
The light from several torches spilled into her room as she thrust the door aside. Men and women shuffled about the widened corridor in their attempts to wake themselves fully as they gathered their pieces of armor and weapons, some pausing only briefly to give the woman standing in the doorway a quick nod. Even in the dim light, her fiery-red hair stood out among the comparatively dull drabs of browns, blacks, and blondes moving past her. Occasional reflections from steel and silver metals parading by would mirror her long, bright hair, which she customarily wore back in a tight braid when she had more time for grooming. A few of the men, surprised by their captain’s unfamiliar appearance, allowed their stares to linger a bit longer than they intended, and were quickly reminded of their positions when her emerald-green eyes stared back sternly. She was quite aware that her hastily donned attire did little to conceal her soft and lightly pale skin in the swelled places of her body that men longed to see, but that did not excuse the behavior of those who had the chivalrous namesake of “paladin” to uphold. Lust was a terrible weakness in men, she believed. Women were simply better at controlling theirs.
“By the Light,” one of the men muttered walking past her as he tucked his shirt inside of his trousers. “What is all this about, anyway?”
“It is about the Oaths we have sworn to keep, Tameris,” Maereth replied, stopping all movement in the hallway for a moment as everyone turned to regard her. The man called Tameris looked surprised, not realizing that his words were heard. Although her voice was calmed and reassuring, the red-haired woman spoke loud enough for all to hear. “If the Lady calls on us, then we answer. If the Light is in danger, then we protect it. And if the Citadel is in trouble, then we defend it. By right or by might, we will serve the Light!”
“For the Light!” some cried back amid the quiet nods and cheers. Tired expressions faded away into determined looks as men and women moved with more purpose than before. One man, however, made his way through the others to come speak directly with their leader. It was the messenger responsible for wakening her barrack. He was neither higher-ranked, nor the Archon herself, but he was not who she was expecting to see, either. Jorrel Ashecar was a Watcher; one of the most revered and elite orders of Paladins and among one of the least seen, even by other Paladins within the Citadel. Outside the walls, they were practically unheard of, but among the young recruits and apprentices inside, many stories were traded about the black-clad sentries haunting the darkened halls at night, encouraging them to disbelieve their existence as merely rumor and myth. That is until they actually encounter one in person. No one ever forgets their first meeting with a Watcher, and for many Paladins within the barrack… many of who had served in the Citadel for years… this night would become that memory to retell.
Jorrel was rumored to be one of the oldest, active members of the seven Paladin orders, and he looked it. His face was riddled with deep lines, marking the many winters he had stood diligently at his assigned posts, often exposed to the chill night air. Although most of the males in the Lady’s service preferred to keep their faces clean and shaved, Jorrel wore a full, thick beard nearly as white as the Citadel itself. Standing nearly half a head shorter than Maereth, who was nearly as tall as any other man in most cases, he would have been completely missed in the crowd coming upon her. But as was characteristic of the old man, Jorrel was able to force his way easily through the mass of bodies, leading with his gruff, booming voice, followed by his thick, massive forearms, when necessary. Tameris was the last in his way, and nearly fell over when one of Jorrel’s club-like arms shoved him aside as if he were a curtain blocking his view. The young man started to protest, but the hard, unblinking look from the older veteran told him that he had already lost that argument before it began. Tameris glanced back at Maereth for a sign of support, but a quick shake of her head reminded him of more important matters at hand. Her eyes, however, told him that the indignity he had suffered would not go unanswered when the old man finally reached her. With a curt nod, the young man left satisfied with a renewed appreciation for his captain, though he would not want to bear witness for the exchange about to happen with the old man.
“Lady Raevern!” Jorrel bellowed at her as he approached. Her eyes fixed upon the old man when he barked her name. He wore the distinguished black and gold-trimmed tabard of the Watchers over the traditional steel and silver armor of the Paladins. Maereth recognized the emblazoned symbol on the front. The unblinking eye was set beneath the sun’s setting rays, representing the nightly vigilance of their order. Her stare matched his evenly as he continued to within arms reach and stopped.
“Your men are weak,” he continued. “They are distracted easily enough.” He looked her over once with that unblinking gaze as if to accentuate his point. She forced a smile at him.
“Please tell me that is not the reason you have woke us, Jorrel,” she said calmly. “Surely you have more important justification than to criticize these good Paladins who serve the Light as boldly –“
“The Archon is awake,” he said, cutting her off abruptly. He may as well have landed a blow to her face with his plated gauntlet and gotten the same reaction, as Maereth, looking stunned and confused, took a step back. A few of the others gathered close enough to hear began to murmur, spreading the word quicker and louder than one might imagine possible. The murmur had risen to a dull roar in an instant and threatened to grow even louder in the next. The Watcher glowered and inhaled deeply to unleash a booming command to silence them at once, but Maereth was quicker to react.
“Listen to me!” she shouted. Silence fell upon the hallway once more, and once again, every man and woman crowded in that hallway had turned to their attention to her. Even old Jorrel had fixed his unblinking eyes towards her, intent on hearing more. “The Darkness will have more to fear this night because the Morning’s Glory has risen early this day! We will aid the Watchers who have fulfilled their duties honorably, for they serve the Light just as we ourselves are sworn to do. But the Citadel and the Archon must be protected until the morning comes!”
“For the Light!” came the cry for the second time that morning, only louder than the first. Maereth’s face almost glowed with a feeling of pride, but it did little to help the feeling of dread within her. The Archon of Light had woken in the Darkness. Just as she did not long before. Was it a coincidence? Perhaps the vision responsible for waking her had come from the Archon herself. Was it a message, or a warning? Maybe it was a cry for help. She should have never ignored it!
Jorrel Ashecar had performed his duty well, and he knew it. It was about all he knew. But his task was not complete, and he could not allow this young woman looking troubled to delay him from the one purpose he needed to fulfill. With a quick jab, he poked Maereth hard in the ribs with a stubby finger. The red-haired Paladin gave an uncharacteristic yelp, as she was jarred from her worried thoughts.
“Get your armor on,” Jorrel suggested. There was nothing else to explain, so he turned around and headed outside of the barracks before she could respond. He couldn’t see her biting her lip at him, but a few short steps further he stopped. “And don’t you go invoking yer Rune on me, either.” His voice was just as gruff as the moment he walked in, but there was a peculiar edge to it when he spoke the last.
Maereth just stood there stunned at his words, not even realizing that her Rune was beginning to visualize in her mind before he had even said it. Her teachers had done their best to instill her with the proper discipline needed to prevent her emotions from taking control of her, but there were times when her anger threatened to lose her Furea. It wasn’t surprising that to her when the Rune began to appear, though she still had control of herself. Jorrel was a Watcher, and that meant he had the ability to sense when a Rune was being called, so that wasn’t so surprising either.
The Rune she saw, however, was not Furea. It was like nothing she had ever seen before. And that actually frightened her.
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JayPhoenix reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, let’s start with the scores:
“Publishable – Overall” – I gave that a 6 simply because the story is too rough, as it stands, to be publishable (in my opinion) but it does have an absolute tonne of potential!
“Sci Fi & Fantasy – Overall” – that got an 8 because of the potential and the interest that it piqued in me. I want to know more about the paladins and, esepcially, the magic (Runes).
“Did you find this interesting?” – the score should speak for itself :o)
“Would you want to read this book?” – that score speaks for itself too! :o)
Now, for some critical thoughts:
You need to read this out loud and you will realise that it is far to bulky in far too many places. You seem to have a habit of writing quite a lot of thick paragraphs where sharper, more succint, sentences would make a greater impact. Some of what you write doesn’t even, really, make sense:
“Nothing stirred, even in the cold air” Why would something be stirring in the cold air? If you want to emphathise that it IS cold then do so but the two things are not, really, linked.
There are quite a few grammatical problems, tense changes and run-on sentences which distract from the overall story itself which is a pity as the story is REALLY strong.
“By right or by might, we will serve the Light!” – I don’t personally like that sentence as it implies that even if the Paladins are not in the right they will use force to succeed … you should write it so that they ALWAYS believe that they have the Right simply because of who they are and what they serve. That arrogance will allow you to get away with murder ;o)
I don’t like the term ‘Watcher’s and think that you should come up with a different name for that particular Caste of Paladins. The fact that you already use the word Slayer in the title evokes ‘Buffy’ without using Watchers too … call them Sentries if you must, anything but Watchers. Please.
The story, however, the characterisation and the concept of the Runes as magic and a force of Light are all well laid out and leave me really wanting to know more about them … and about the other Castes of Paladins too. If possible you should work out the inter-links between each one and form a hierarhcy so that you can play them off against each other (it was obvious that Maereth respected Jorrel just as she also looked down on him, for example) as that would be a nice element.
End of the day you have something there that I would be interested in reading more of and look forward to seeing what you come up with!
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solarflare reviewed Version 1 -
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Well for starters, the title makes me think of vampires. It doesn’t look like there will be any in your story, but slayer makes me think of vamps, might want to keep that in mind. So far it looks like you have a good idea of where the story is going. There are some parts I’m not quite sure about, that reading further would help with, such as the elemental runes and what part they play in the story. I’m assuming they play a part magically in the story, but it would be interesting to see what you do with it.
You have a good handle at making the important characters stand out from each other with distinct personalities and you set scenes quite well. I didn’t really see any errors that glared out at me so you’re pretty safe there. Overall a good job so far. Keep it up.
Gavinswar reviewed Version 1 -
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I think your writing overall is well put together and from most perspectives good overall. The problem is I couldnt really feel with your characters, the voice wasnt there and in turn I felt like I was looking upon something instead of being drawn along with it. Maereth didnt come across to me as much more than so many other red haired badass women we have seen time and time again in so many stories, (Shorsha in Willow, Sonya- the counterpart to conan, or cattabrie in darkelf series, though her hair may be more brownish)
The point is nothing really exceptional with her and the story itself didnt pull me in. The paciing wasnt very fast, we got the point shes in charge and a paladin, none of this is new or unique to most readers.
You have a good way of writing as in your command of English and use of particular words brought the story into a visual, you lacked in immerison or making the world something that we as readers want to know more about, or would like to explore.
You asked for it straight, I feel like had you hooked the reader and opened up some perplexing questions that we need to have answered we would keep reading but in current form I think I would put it back on the shelf.
Gavinswar
I am open to help you in any way I can, if your looking for suggestions or want to bounce Ideas off me that would fine. On a final note I think you have real potential as a writer but dont feel this piece reached it or even neared it.
John_Binder reviewed Version 1 -
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Let’s start with critiques. You have a tendency to run-on with your sentences. A good rule is if you use a comma more than twice, throw in a period (or at least a colon). I hate to pick at your plot, but I feel I have to point out how overused the Rune is in the Fantasy world. You can keep the idea, but for heaven’s (or should I say for Archon’s?) sake change the name. The tempo was a bit off putting in the beginning. If I were to pick this book up in a store and read the first paragraph, I don’t think I would buy it. I think I would have regretted it though. You really picked up the pace around the time of your main character walking outside her room. That point on the story flowed well and I enjoyed it. I think you did a decent job with dialogue. I like how you stayed away from the common trap of adverbs and adverbial phrases. Overall decent work. The writing is strong, with but a few exceptions early on. Keep up the good work. I would certainly read more of your work.
Elim121 reviewed Version 1 -
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I’ll give you the positive first. You have a very good writing style. I like it. It’s very descriptive and the world you are creating is very well thought out it seems. The confrontation and tension for the first chapter is good, not great, but good. It is enough to keep my attention. Now for the other side. Too much info to try and keep track of. Specifically the history and meaning behind all the culture and training of the main character. I got lost a couple times and found myself wondering what was supposed to be happening. There are a couple times where you move out of the main character’s point of view and switch to other people in the scene. I have found that in the Sci fi/Fantasy market the publishers like each scene to have only one character’s point of view. Example of this is: “Was it a message, or a warning? Maybe it was a cry for help. She should have never ignored it!” This is the woman’s point of view. Continued…”Jorrel Ashecar had performed his duty well, and he knew it. It was about all he knew. But his task was not complete, and he could not allow this young woman looking troubled to delay him from the one purpose he needed to fulfill.” Now we are reading from Jorrel’s point of view. Stay with the woman’s point of view throughout the scene and it will make it stronger. Omnicient view points don’t seem to be viable in the market right now. Overall nice job.
Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the character’s name. Yes it’s “fantasy-like”, but when I read names like “Yz’lkian Bxorz’ka” it’s a little too much and dampens the reading experience for me because my reading mind can’t make the pronunciation.
The descriptive prose in the first two paragraphs are flawless. I especially like how you conjure up the image of the Rune in M’s mind. You were also very economical about giving the reader a background of her without going into laborious detail. The opening “pages” of the story draw the reader in quite well engaging them with the idea of the fantasy mythology and (more importantly) how it applies to M.
“…visited in her sleep was sent…” I think ‘was’ should be ‘were’ in this sentence.
Your use of foreshadowing about M’s dream is quite obvious though I’m at a loss to pick out specific examples of how you achieved it. But it’s good.
“He may as well have…” Great sentence.
“She should have never ignored it!” I’m a bit scratchy about reading exclamation marks used in the narrative. This could be an internal thought though.
“Jorrel Ashecar had performed…” In these last paragraphs we see the POV shifting from J back to M, a convention generically known as “head-hopping”. In this case I think it works, however, the subject of “to hop or not to hop” remains a hot topic of debate.
As for the writing, I think you’ve got it. This excerpt is very fast-paced, descriptive (but not overly), and your dialogue is all pretty good. It’s a tight package that shows it’s been polished and was a real pleasure. Keep up the good work!
-Curt
Tinga_Wolvesbane reviewed Version 1 -
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I really admire much of your work. Regardless of typos, poor grammar, sentence structure. I’m in it for the meat of the story. IS it good to read? Does it catch my attention, is it something that interests me. I am no writer or person knowledgeable in editing in the least bit, but I like a good read and I can’t wait to see how this connects to Valkaar. I’ll be watching and waiting
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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Overall this was well done. You start out drawing the reader in.
“Her body was tingling as her eyes suddenly flew open.” This sentence would be more powerful if you eliminate the word “suddenly.”
You start your first paragraph with intensity but the longer sentence, take away from that. Shorter sentences can provide more tension and pull the reader in faster. For example:
“Fear was not unknown to Paladins, who are considered among the most heroic and noblest of warriors, but from an early age, they were trained not only to face their fears, but also to conquer them. Tales of such unmatched fearlessness, as told among the common folk in songs and ballads around the taverns, have romanticized this extraordinary ability to be a gift from the Archon of Light, whom the Paladins are sworn to protect and serve.” Two such long sentences together make it hard to follow. I would replace one with two shorter ones.
Second paragraph, the explanation is good, but should be saved for later in novel. Get to the action! Explain after we are hooked.
“Voices were accompanied by the loud rapping of plated gauntlets beating on wooden doors in quick succession.” Some of your descriptions are very vivid and work well.
“Throwing the covers off, Mareth moved instinctively in the darkness towards the chair with her garments, and donned them quickly as she listened closely” Watch the use of adverbs, Only use them if absolutely necessary.
“Even in the dim light … wore back in a tight braid when she had more time for grooming.” This description works well.
I really liked the ending. It keeps the reader hanging and wanting to learn more.
traininvain reviewed Version 1 -
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Sci-fi is not my favorite genre, however, despite something of a slow start, I was really interested in this. Not only is the writing itself strong, but you have a clear concept of your “world” and your characters are well-drawn, in particular Maereth. I would suggest maybe adding a little more action to the beginning—a good hook is so important, and though I was drawn into the story later on, if I’d only read the first two sentences and was asked what I thought, I’m not sure how interested I’d be.
punkrockguru reviewed Version 1 -
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the only critism i have is to say you might want to go back and be sure your are writing in one time – past or present. your grammar choices make you write in both, and i’m not sure if that was what you wanted or not.
great characters, great views. you express your thoughts well. you keep the reader guessing while still giving us enough info. wonderful work there.
this is a great story. i will definately look for more to keep reading.
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