Poetry / Forgive

The first and third stanzas appear much more polished than the second.  The second stanza sounds more like notes to yourself on what you want to evoke, whereas the details of the first and second perform that evocation.

To revise the second stanza, I’d suggest taking out the “You,” and either speak directly to the reader (which, as a technique, actually ought to come later, around the 4th or 5th stanza), or give up the pretense that you’re speaking of anyone but yourself, and keep writing in the first person.  Another approach might be to bar yourself from explaining anything.  As William Carlos Williams said, “No ideas but in things.”

“But the words are too strong now, so I swallow them with water.”  This is the kind of wonderful serendipity that can happen with fixed forms.  I say, continue with the sestina!  But don’t put a time limit on yourself.  No one ever said a poem has to be written all at once.

The first and third stanzas are strong enough to stand on their own as a poem, but if you do decide to go that route, it would be a good idea to choose another word than “cup.”  You’d be surprised at how popular that word is.  Almost every other poem has it.  A full sestina might be able to get away with it, because it has the chance to show different sides to the word that most poems never approach.

“I collected the liquid” is unnecessary.

“It is me that the water will forgive.” taps into the strong current/theme of washing as cleansing/atonement.

I give a lower rating on the “Publishable” criterion only because I read this as incomplete.

Thanks!

A.  For something that’s not even finished this is pretty damn good.

B.  Keep it as a sestina.  I freaking love what you’ve managed so far.  I think its the challenge of the form itself that can sometimes bring out the best writer in us all.  

what you’ve got so far makes sense, by the way.  I thought I’d let you know.  Obviously this isn’t finished, but I think you should spend some time polishing up the meter.  It’s a little awkward.  

Form aside, the work is pretty good.  I like the imagery and the flow of ideas.  I have a clear picture of someone having an internal argument with themselves after a bad fight with a significant other.  

Well done!   I can’t wait to see the finished product

Amanda

very deep and it has a awesome flow!

“It is funny that to forgive
someone you must first skin
your own problems to the bones and lay your own fight
aside. ”
This is a part I think didn’t flow very well, but it has a good idea.
Maybe if you mix the words a little?

It’s a great poem on the whole, and I think the content is great!

The imagery in this piece is phenomenal!
I’m a big advocate of free verse, but this seems to be working very well for you.
I’d keep it up.  I could really relate to what you were saying and I love it!!

Very nicely written. Honestly, keep going with this and write it just as you have been. I think it sounds wonderful.