Poetry / Gethsemane (Analysis)

This is actually a great effort, for addressing a very familiar theme. Good structure and flow. It’s only the very first line that I have a problem with. “Tears tear”... yes, but “blood bleeds” “swimmers swim”  and “bakers bake” ect…  How about “sweating tears of blood” or if not, just hit the Thesaurus. Overall, I enjoyed this one.

Vivid imagery that holds the attention allow the readers to feel as if they’re witnesses. Good poem..

claps  I love the changed feeling that the capitalization gives this.  It helped me read it in a bit more phrase-centric manner, rather than just focusing on the short lines.  

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March 22, 2008

by varo_borja

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Glad you liked it, aphro.  I think I’ll carry your suggestion over into future projects.  Thanks again for your stellar input.

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“temple slave saints linger in the
halls of Diana singing hymns of
my pain”

A favorite line. We are all the Hunted.

I think even Edna St. Vincent Millay would be proud.

This piece is an adventure in alliteration and enunciation.  It’s very vivid, yet mysterious in a very beautiful, dark way.  It leads you up and down these hills of description that are fascinating to watch unfold.  It is also not predictable at any moment, and I am quite anxious to read more!

I feel his anguish and torment from all the depths of the earth and all it’s evils.  One word I wasn’t sure if it fit is Sensuous at the beginning.  I can see how maybe it’s pertaining to the feelings all around him and not in a sexual way, but for some reason it doesn’t seem like the right word.  And the word tsaddiquim , I don’t know what it means. Is this the word you meant to use?  I couldn’t find a meaning for it.  I really like the line:  Awaits you my liege.  It is a line of hope.  The last part: The charlatans feed and the stuff of myth, Men die many times, yet live only once.  I’m not quite sure if you’re saying that the myth is that men die many times and that’s what the charlatans feed on, are they believing in reincarnation?  Even though as the last line would tell them it’s a false hope, since men only live once.  This is what I’m getting out of it, maybe I’m wrong, but otherwise it may mean that you’re saying Jesus is a myth, which kind of defeats the pain and suffering he went through.  I’d really like to know what your  trying to say at the end.  I really like the overall work and being a Christian, The Garden of Gethsemane is a very special place to me.  Did you ever see Jesus Christ Super Star?  Message me…
CAT      

I would query the capitalization of every line.  Typically I use capitalization to indicate a new thought or idea if there isn’t traditional punctuation going on.

I really like the words you choose.  

To make this more interesting, you could try messing around with format.  Also, there is one line that should be italics, the latin.  I think this site isn’t so conducive to formatting though :)