Thank you so much! I like writing about teens because, well, I am one. ;) Glad you liked it!
Short Story / That the Sword of Enthusiasm
Brody slid into the first seat he saw, wanting to get settled before the doors shut and the stragglers were forced to miss the class. He was at the end of the row; to his right was a girl with her red hair pulled in a bun so tight Brody imagined it was pulling the skin away from her scalp. She gave him a cursory glance, and for the hundredth time that day Brody felt himself not belonging.
The professor hurrumphed and thirty pairs of eyes honed in on his face.
“Welcome to Philosophy 101. My name is Professor Richards, and for now that’s all you need to know. Now, out of curiosity, how many of you were valedictorians of your high school? Stand if you were.”
The red-headed girl stood up so fast that Brody thought he could see skid marks from where her chair had been pushed back. He looked around the room and felt the urge to jump out of his chair himself, and continue right out the back door. One, two, three . . . over half the class.
“Okay, now what about salutatorians?”
More chairs were pushed back, and Brody could practically feel the relief in the air. Hey, look at me! I may have not been the best, but I’m smart too! He looked at the two remaining students: one was obviously a grades-don’t-matter “free thinker” genius, complete with goatee and beret.
The other was Brody himself.
Professor Richards eyes scanned the room, bypassing the mini-Kafka with little interest. His glaze flickered to Brody, and Brody tried to compress his rather abnormally large body into his chair with little success. Brody sent a small prayer of thanks as the Professor redirected his search to the red headed girl beside him.
“You, girl with the red hair, what’s your name?”
“Marcia Jennings, sir.”
“And you were a valedictorian?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Perhaps you could answer a question for me.”
“Of course, sir.” Brody could see that the girl’s – Marcia’s – body was quivering with the excitement that the Professor had picked her to confirm the intelligence of the class. This, coupled with her wardrobe – Burberry scarf wrapped casually around a strand of Mikimoto pearls – practically screamed that she used to having the best and being the best. Brody could imagine the conversations her parents would have around the country club. Why, Yale offered a better financial package, but Stanford is so much closer to home. He’d bet they were paying for dear-old-Marcia’s tuition from their pockets.
“‘What is genuine is proved in the fire, what is false we shall not miss in our ranks. The opponents must grant us that youth has never before flocked to our colours in such numbers, . . . in the end, one will be found among us who will prove that the sword of enthusiasm is just as good as the sword of genius.’ That,” the professor continued, “is a quote from Karl Marx. Explain to me what he meant, Miss Jennings.”
Marcia hesitated for a minute, as if deciding which combination of words would best showcase her high IQ. “In this particular quote, Marx implies while intelligence is important, it is not enough to help one succeed. There are plenty of intelligent people. It takes dedication, coupled with intelligence, to be truly accomplished.”
“Not bad, Miss Jennings.” Brody knew how college classes worked: achievements were understated and failures exaggerated. A “not bad” could easily be “best answer I’ve ever heard.” Something seemed off to Brody, however. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t exceptional either. It was a rote answer, produced from years of effortless work resulting in flawless grades. It was typical.
As if he could sense Brody’s internal criticism, Professor Richards once again looked at Brody. He felt like he was being analyzed, once again being sized up to see if he fitted in. Brody knew the answer to that question: no. The majority of the guys in the class were virtual clones of each other. They all had perfected the “prep” look: colored t-shirts under even more colorful button downs, and jeans with holes that cost more then Brody’s entire wardrobe. They all had gotten into college the same way: a combination of frightening intelligence and a portion of daddy’s big pay check going to his old alma mater.
Brody, in his flannel shirt and Levis, was the rare exception. He hadn’t passed any AP exams, but he would bet money on the fact that he could throw a football farther than anyone in the class. His grades were good, not great, but good, but it was Stanford’s desperate desire to beat USC that had got him in with a full ride. His only other notable quality, up until now, was that he had always enjoyed and even been rather good at philosophy.
“You, kid in the plaid, stand up.” Brody wished the Professor could be talking to someone else, but he knew “plaid” eliminated anyone else in the room. He rose slowly and stood next to Marcia, feeling small beside her despite the fact that he was three times her size.
“What’s your name, son?”
“Brody Adams, sir.”
“And where are you from, Mr. Adams?”
“Kansas, sir.”
“And were you in the top of your class?”
Brody’s ears turned red. “No, sir.”
“And what does Marx’s quote mean to you, Mr. Adams?”
“Well,” and suddenly Brody was back home, arguing over semantics with Mr. Jamison, his high school philosophy teacher. “I think what Marx is trying to say is that, sure, being smart is important, but it’s not everything. I mean, to be good at something, even smart people have to care about what they’re doing, right? People that you hear about in the news, scientists, or writers, or lawyers, or whoever, they’ve succeeded at whatever they’re doing because they’re passionate about it. And maybe that passion can make up for not being incredibly intelligent. Maybe to really stand out, you don’t need to be smart, but really dedicated instead.”
Professor Richards looked at him, as did everyone else. For a moment no one spoke, and Brody’s face flushed. Sure, his speech wasn’t as eloquent as Marcia’s, but Brody didn’t believe it was that bad. Hesitatingly, he looked to see Professor Richards reaction.
He was smiling.
“Very well done, Mr. Adams. You all may sit down now.
“Mr. Adams has just succeeded in making the point I wish to express to you. In here, grades mean nothing. You are all smart, whether you be a valedictorian,” here he looked at Marcia, “or a football player,” and here at Brody, “and it would be very much to your advantage to remember that. There are no rules to philosophy; it is an art, not a science. You cannot be wrong nor right; your success lies in your ability to comprehend your own opinions. That will determine how you do in this class. Now that that is out of the way, let us begin.”
After class, Professor Richards took Brody aside.
“Eric Jamison is a good friend of mine,” he said, “and he assures me that you have been his most promising student in a long while. I’m glad to learn that he hasn’t developed a habit of lying to me.”
That Christmas, Marcia Jennings assured everyone that yes, she loved Stanford, it was just her philosophy class she wasn’t fond of. “The teacher is terribly unfair,” she remarked one day while shopping with her friends. “Seems to think that some country jock is just the bees knees.”
“Oh, yes, I know what you mean,” Betsy agreed, “my journalism professor is horrible! Now, which do you like better, the Prada or the Louis?”
Meanwhile, in a rural Kansas town, Brody Adams sat down with a cup of hot chocolate and his old philosophy teacher. “Mr. Jamison, thank you.” Brody began. “Mr. Richards said –”
“Don’t mention it Brody. Now, you said you were studying Socrates?”
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albamuth reviewed Version 3 -
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To get started, here’s the questions that came to mind as I read:
(question reference: Qp3p5 means page 3 paragraph 5)
Qp1p1: What kind of school is Brody attending? What kind of building? What does the classroom look like?
Qp1p6: Why does a “free-thinker” stand out so much in this class? Are they all in uniform? Does everyone else conform to some image? What is that image?
Qp1p7: why “mini-Kafka”? Does Brody admire Kafka? What inspires him to make this reference?
Qp2p4: Why is the professor starting the class this way? Shouldn’t they be going over the syllabus?
Qp3p1: Did Brody notice how clone-like they were earlier?
Qp4p3: Does Brody look away from the professor and why? The beginning of the paragraph make me think that he’s already watching the prof. carefully for his reaction.
Qp5p1: Why are we suddenly jumping to Christmas, and why are we following Marcia?
Overall:
Q: Where is this story going? What is the drama?
Q: Is something going to happen between Brody and Marcia?
Q: What else is Brody thinking? If he feels out-of-place, what does that make him think about?
Things that worked for me
- the comparison of Brody feeling small despite being 3 times Marcia’s size.
- the descriptions of clothing.
- characterization by voice of spoken dialogue.
- Brody being there for sports
Suggestions for a rewrite:
1. Something needs to happen. A kid going to college and feeling isolated is not a story. A story would be someone making him feel welcome, showing him something that changes his attitude. There’s gotta be something that changes in the main character.
2. I don’t care about what gets said in classrooms, and neither does the reader. It takes too long to establish how different Brody is – perhaps another approach, like an encounter that triggers an internal thought, or something said. Once you establish the difference (football player, not a nerd), move on to what happens next, because the story isn’t that he stands out – that’s just a character trait (but a good one, because it makes him more sympathetic)
3. I know the ending is just tacked-on because you ran out of time. I know because I’ve done the same thing myself. Something interesting needs to happen before the end, and the story grows from that. It doesn’t have to be anything bizarre or unbelievable, just interesting, because I don’t care about the details of the class, just that Brody gets what’s going on and can do well in school – we don’t need a play-by-play account of his semester.
4. You’ve set the stage for something to happen between Marcia and Brody. Make it happen! We need more, more, more of that and less, less, less of the classroom. Just write some scenes with Marcia and Brody together and see what happens (not what you want to happen, but what would likely happen, and what surprising things could happen)
5. Be careful about stereotypes (the professor, the preps, the jock, the “free-thinker”). You can describe the clothes of people let the reader make up their own mind about the people described.
Critique
The groundwork for an interesting story is set here, and the narrative voice is strong. The story isn’t there yet, and the work is only 30% done (thus the rating of 3). You’ve proven you know how to write, but telling a story goes beyond writing skills. Don’t worry, I’ve seen drafts from accomplished authors that started out with even less story than this – all you need to do is “discover” the story hidden in the world you’ve created. So before you start cutting out stuff, write more scenes.
Good job so far!
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browniie111 reviewed Version 3 -
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I found in the second page one thing i thought was unnecessary. obviously it is up to you whether or not you change it but my opinion was that you didnt need to say “Brody could see that the girl’s – Marcia’s – body was quivering…” like that. you might want to instead say something like “Brody could see that the girl’s body was quivering.” once again, up to you but i just thought it was unneccary for you to repeat her name. it is clear enough without that who u r talking about. also, if this is a short story, i think you need to stress what the point you are trying to make is. that would make the whoel thing stronger, but overall, very well written.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked this story quite a bit. I really enjoyed that you delayed the reader’s knowledge strategically. Many writers would have written that Brody was in a philosophy class early in the piece, thereby destroying that nice little surprise when you finally mention it. I also enjoy that you did an excellent job giving the reader the impression that the teacher was one who was cruel, bitter, and elitest, but then slowly, and not artificially, revealed that he was using it as artifice for revealing his more broad-minded approach to education. The Marx quote did a nice job of giving us a hint in that direction as well.
Calypsoidal1 reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved it. Nothing jarred my attention. Everything you brought up you followed through on. So: concrit?
wanting to get settled – this struck me as a little weak; in the opening, something stronger. No suggestions.
cursory glance – cliche? Something unexpected maybe. Maybe it’s her first time away from home. Maybe she doesn’t know any strapping Kansas farmboys…
He rose slowly – adverb, again can be stronger.
And in his answer, he seemed to be almost repeating Marcia but with more words and the addition of “passion.” Perhaps her answer could be changed into something that showcased her understanding of history (Lenin, Mao) but ignored the question. More contrast.
I has other suggestions: a description of the room, the professor, posters on the wall, etc., but this is a short story. Keep it under 1500 words, whatever else you do with it.
Peterfinlay reviewed Version 3 -
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You must be pretty smart to have experience of university at age 16. Write about what you know. You’re surely doing that. There is no reason to be ashamed of your life just because you’ve never had a full time job or a string of romances to your name. Your story was easy to read and entertaining. To have the courage to write about your life at such a young age bodes well for the future.
Louminator reviewed Version 3 -
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There’s not much of a story being told here. You could see the end coming from the get go. Brody Adams can be anybody, which is where this story could really take off; tell us more about Brody and how he’s NOT just any person. Explore the character more and give us some depth about where he comes from, how he really had difficulty fitting in, and then end the story with the sense of pride he gains when the professor singles him out and applaudes his response. I’d leave out the last bit where it forwards to Christmas. It doesn’t add anything to the story you’ve already finished telling.
Other than that, the writing is good. Write shorter sentences; don’t let them run on needlessly. That’s always a tough habit to curb. Avoid semi-colons and colons, unless you really know what you’re doing. And above all, keep writing!
CrazyBeautiful reviewed Version 3 -
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Wow, this is excellent, especially for being written by someone so young. You are enormously talented. I just love this.
Just a couple things to say. One, watch your transitions from dialogue. For example, ”’Well,’ and suddenly Brody was back home…” You may want to change that to read, ”’Well,’ Brody began, and suddenly he was back home…”
Also, I hate to say this, but I didn’t think Brody’s interpretation of Marx’s quote was any more insightful than Marcia’s. I thought it was just as shallow. There are many ways to interpret that quote. Work on making Brody’s thought process a little more eloquent, so it stands out more. I love your professor’s dialogue; it’s spot on. I just love this idea tremendously.
My only regret is that it ended abruptly and without warning. Extend, extend, extend! There is a story here, in this particular philosophy class, and I have a feeling that Brody, and even Marcia, have more to say. Let them say it.
FireflyDreams reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved it. My only regret is that it ended so quickly. I would love to read more of your work. You have a lot of talent!
On a technical note. It started off a little bumpy for me, the entire first paragraph just didn’t seem to flow. I really liked your attention to detail in the story. I didn’t like the last line. A little fine tuning and I think its ready to be published.
Margaret reviewed Version 3 -
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I loved this story! You capture the essence of your characters is your clever descriptions by showing, not telling. The reader can see, hear, almost feel the atmosphere in the classroom. You have a fine sense of irony and take a simple, straightforward plot line and develop it into a charming tale. Excellent work! I’d say you no longer need to rely on prompts—although they work well especially if you are a bit blocked. I’d really like to read more of your work.
Jacquie reviewed Version 3 -
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I really liked this – excellent use of language, the topic is timeless and well said, and it was a satisfying read. I loved the message and hope it finds a way to the pople who could most benefit – our youth! Thanks for a good read.
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