Maybe, if you really want to help me make it a better story, you could tell me what parts were confusing and why you thought the ending was weak.
Short Story / I'm not Lisa (Analysis)
The first thing I noticed about the hospital was the color. The absolutely repulsing color. It was a pukey-green color and it was disgusting. It made ME want to puke. My stomach was already clenched into a tight knot already and the color was not helping.
“Honey, a tonsillectomy is nothing to be worried about,” said my mom for the tenth time, stroking my blonde hair reassuringly.
“I know,” I said.
“Just think,” She rambled on, “No more sore throats when you get sick, you’ll be able to talk…”
My mom was right; I’ll give her that. Every time I got a cold or anything, my tonsils would swell up like balloons. I couldn’t eat, talk, drink and sometimes, I couldn’t breathe through my mouth. They were sore right now, but it was nothing compared to what they had been like before.
“B-five…B-seven…B-nine…” muttered my dad as we walked down the green hallway.
My mom squeezed my hand reassuringly. Her hand was soft and warm; my hand was cold and clammy. Somewhere down the hallway, we heard a child screaming.
“There are so many kids here who are extremely sick. You should thank God that you are so lucky…” she said.
“Yeah,” said my dad, still watching the room numbers, “There are some kids here with serious problems.”
Not too long after he said that, we met one of those kids.
_
Her name was Lisa Rodgers. I read it from the top of the clipboard at the foot of her bed as we entered the room, B-thirteen. She sat on the edge of her bed, swinging her legs back and forth. She had brown hair that was in a ponytail on the back of her head, just like mine. She had steel gray eyes that glared angrily at the two nurses in front of her.
“Lisa, we just want a blood sample,” said one of them
“I’m not Lisa!” yelled the girl.
“Lisa, please,” said the second one, struggling with the sleeve of Lisa’s hospital gown.
“I’m not Lisa! I’m not Lisa!” she screamed again, jerking her arm away from the nurse.
“Yes, yes. We know that you aren’t Lisa, but we really need a blood sample, so if you could just relax then-”
“NO!” shrieked the girl, backing away from the nurses.
“Please!” insisted the nurse.
“NO! I WON’T!” screamed the girl.
Then, one of the nurses noticed us in the doorway. She came over to us and smiled sweetly. Then she said, “Are you Kayla?”
I nodded silently. I was still watching the other nurse struggle with Lisa.
“Well, Kayla, that’s your bed over there,” she pointed to a bed with a green blanket on it, “You can unpack your things if you’d like. There’s a chest of drawers over there that you can use. Ask if you need anything.” Then, she walked back over to Lisa
I tried to see what they were doing to Lisa, but the other nurse saw me looking and shut the curtain around the bed. Even though the sound was lower now, I could still hear the girl protesting.
“What the heck is wrong with her?” I asked my mom.
“Shh!!” hissed my mom, “Don’t say things like that! She seems very frightened.”
We finished unpacking and then, the curtain slid open a bit. The nurse from before came out and handed me a pukey-green hospital gown like Lisa’s while muttering, “That poor child…”
“What’s wrong with her?” I asked.
“Lisa has to have major surgery in the morning and…she’s so scared, I think she’s convinced her self she’s someone else…”
“No!” gasped my mother in disbelief.
“Yes,” sighed the nurse, “Or perhaps she thinks if she can convince us that we have the wrong girl, she won’t have to have the surgery.”
“And you are absolutely sure you have the right child?” asked my father.
“Of course!” said the nurse indignantly; “She is Lisa Rodgers, no matter how many times she says otherwise!”
“What kind of surgery is she going to have?” I asked nervously.
The nurse leaned over and whispered in my ear, “She having her left arm removed, from the elbow down.”
Just the thought of having my arm taken off made me gag. It was awful to think about, but I couldn’t get the thought to go away. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw a severed arm lying on the floor, in a puddle of blood.
Though I knew it wasn’t going to be anything as dramatic as that, it was still sickening.
Mom and Dad stayed until about dinnertime. Dad had to go to a meeting, and Mom had to go and take care of my grandparents at their house. I told them I was fine with staying alone, but I really wasn’t. Not with this crazy girl.
I tried reading, but I couldn’t. I was too nervous. Even though I knew there was nothing to worry about, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop thinking about Lisa.
I looked up and saw her staring at me with her steel gray eyes. Almost as if she was studying me.
“So…” I said, “You’re…Lisa, right?”
“I AM NOT LISA!” she screamed at me.
“S-sorry!” I cried, shutting up. ‘Why am I so stupid?’ I thought.
Lisa folded her arms across her chest angrily. ‘She won’t be able to do that tomorrow!’ I thought. Then, I mentally kicked myself for thinking that.
We sat just like that for a few minutes. Lisa, arms folded, eyes glaring daggers at me. Me, looking nervously throughout the room, thinking of something to say.
After a while, I looked up and saw her playing a Gameboy. It was one of the new ones, a silver DS.
“You like video games?” I asked
“Lisa does. But I don’t.” She said curtly, closing the DS.
“Oh.” I said. Then I had an idea, “What kind of games does Lisa like?”
Her eyes brightened and then she said, “Oh, you know, the good ones. Mario-Kart, Castlevania, Animal crossing…that sort of thing.”
“Oh!” I smiled, “Me too! I have a DS like yours. Wanna see?” I didn’t wait for an answer. I reached down and grabbed my backpack off the ground. I reached inside and fished out my shiny DS.
“What game?” asked Lisa.
“Mario Kart.” I smiled.
“Me too! Wanna race?” she asked. I nodded.
We connected and played for about an hour. It was around midnight when a nurse came in and said, “Lisa, it’s your last chance for a glass of water.”
“I’M NOT LISA!” She screamed.
“I suppose that’s a no,” said the nurse, who turned to me and asked, “What about you, Kayla? Would you like some water?”
“No, thank you.” I said.
“All right.” She said, “Goodnight Kayla. Good night Li-” Then, she stopped her sentence and walked out. I had worked so hard to earn Lisa’s trust and then that nurse came in and ruined it.
“Are you a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?” asked Lisa.
“Wh-what?” I stammered. Had I heard her correctly?
“Are you a heavy sleeper or a light sleeper?” she repeated.
“Um…Heavy…I guess…”
“Oh. Okay.” She said, “Good night then.” And with that, she pulled her blankets over her head and flopped on the bed. She reached out from under the covers and turned out her lamp, clothing the room in darkness, except for my lamp.
“Well, Good night. Maybe we’ll see each other in the morning!” I said cheerfully as I turned out my own lamp.
In the darkness, I swear I heard her giggle.
My sleep was fretful and I had a few dreams. In one of them, I was running down the hall of the hospital, being chased by hands with bloody stumps where elbows were supposed to be. They crawled along the hallway like spiders, but with fingers instead of legs.
In another, I was in a room full of mirrors, but in each mirror, I saw Lisa’s reflection, not mine. I reached out to touch the mirror, but when I did, I realized I had no arm. The reflection of Lisa waved, but there were no hands. All around me, reflections of Lisa waved with bloody stumps.
In the most vivid one, there was a girl standing at the foot of my bed, holding two clipboards. She grinned and put one on the clip at the end of my bed. Then, she walked away with the other one.
When I awoke, I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming or not.
There were two men standing over me. Both were wearing white coats and surgical masks. One of them looked at a clipboard and said, “Lisa Rodgers. This is her.”
“Wha… wait…no…” I mumbled, still half asleep.
“Easy does it Lisa,” said the other, picking me up out of my bed and laying me gently on a gurney.
“No… stop… I’m not Lisa…” I said.
“Sure thing.” Said the one with the clipboard. But they stated to wheel me out of the room.
I tried to sit up, but the man placed a hand on my chest and held me down. I struggled against it.
“Just relax Lisa, everything is fine.” He said.
“No, Stop!” I cried, “I’m not Lisa!”
“They told us you’d say that,” said the one with the clipboard, “They said you’d been saying that since you got here.”
“They told us to just ignore you.” Said the one who was holding me down.
“No!” I yelled, “You don’t understand! I’m not Lisa!”
The gurney wheels clattered loudly over the tile floor, never slowing.
“STOP!” I screamed frantically, “I’M NOT LISA! Sh-she’s Lisa!”
I shoved the man’s hand off my chest and sat up; looking towards our room, room B-thirteen. The man grabbed my arms and pressed me back onto the gurney, but not before I caught a glimpse of Lisa, poking her head out the doorway. She smiled at me, and waved.
“STOP!” I shrieked, “STOP IT! I’M KAYLA! I AM NOT LISA!”
I continued yelling until one of the men put a large hand over my mouth. The other man stopped the gurney and began clicking the seat-belt-looking body restraints around me. I continued screaming, but it was so muffled, I doubted anyone could hear me.
They wheeled the gurney into the elevator at the end of the hall. I continued screaming as I watched the elevator doors shut before my eyes.
THE END
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ckbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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this was a nice little chiller, like a good twilight zone episode. my only critisism is that i figured out what was going to happen right around the point where lisa asked kayla if she was a heavy sleeper. with a story as brief as this, i think it would be more effective if you could make keep the reader unaware of where it was heading until the last minute. i’m not sure exactly how i’d do that, but i think you could inject some kind of distraction or misdirection in there in place of the dream, which was WAY too full of foreshadowing imagery(although a less foreshadowy dream would still work for that purpose, & you could still slip the image of lisa switching the clipboards in amongst a bunch of other random dream imagery). i just think the payoff would be better if it came as more of a surprise.
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AlexSDS reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a pretty solid story, but I did see the ending coming from about the middle.
You have some good dialog between the two girls, really made them come to live more so than some of the other characters.
The only thing I could really say to improve on would be to expand on a few scenes. While not necessary it might be nice to see a little more interaction between Kayla and Lisa.
Keep it up.
Fenvy reviewed Version 1 -
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For a short story this is grand! It’s suspenseful. It’s horrifying. It’s twisted. In my oppinion your dialogue is very good although sometimes you don’t need to have a ending after every quote “No, I won’t”, for example, could just do by itself because you already stated that Lisa was shrieking before. Also get rid of fillers like ’”...night Li-,” Then she…’ “then” is the filler. I like the plot and it could be developed but it just works so well as a short story. What is Lisa’s history? Why is she getting her arm cut off? Could be some questions for a expansion. Maybe an idea of a story can come out of this piece. I like how the ending leaves us hanging don’t know if Lisa’s little plan worked or not, I’m thinking worked. Great read, most definately. =]
Naraku08 reviewed Version 1 -
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I think it was interesting, but it little confusing about who is who, and the ending was a little weak.
JMontgomery reviewed Version 1 -
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The foreshadowing was excellent here, (“I’m not Lisa”). It’s said so much in the begininning that It hints towards something ominous, but my first thought was that she really wasn’t lisa and that they would find out…too late.
But the foreshadowing works with the BAM! at the end.
I’m seeing a lot of redundancies with the name lisa. In Screenplay writing(which is what I do best) there are industry standards in what we call narrative lines of action, which describes actual movement on the screen. When explaing how someone may get up from a chair, walk to the door and open it, then look out across the lawn before closing the door and returning to the chair…well, if I’m not careful I have said HE…or HIS multiple times in one sentence or paragraph.Reduntant.Bad for a screenplay. So it forces you to be real creative on how you describe ACTION in the screenplay. I know this is NOT a Screenplay, but I think that wherever you CAN refer to lisa without actually saying her name, it will make the PUNCH at the end…that much more powerful. Say the name when it counts like in the beginning to solidify the protestations of the girl, but then refer to her with a description, as you did in this sentence: ”
“I told them I was fine with staying alone, but I really wasn’t. Not with this crazy girl”. I think you can do with some other references to lisa instead of directly saying her name so many times, and I realize that sometimes you HAVE to say her name for us to follow her and what your getting to, but if you replace the name with a reference or description…we’ll still know its lisa and you get to play with emotional description a bit, getting US more emotionally involved with the character as opposed to getting us tired of hearing the name lisa.
I loved this piece. It shines with potential brutality and injustice; Mischievously so. Your description of the surroundings as well as character description is vivid.
You might want to play with peoples dialogue a bit. Everyone seems to talk the same. Just talk. Words. But to give your characters life, we must give them character flaws or quirks, like a nervous twitch or walking with a slight limp or speak with a southern draw. When I write stories. I first begin with writing the charcter bio’s. About a page or two(not for a short-story like this of course), of who, what and where this person is and comes from. That way, when writing the story I can refer to the bio and know that the character would only behave in a certain way according to his bio. He may have a scar on his cheek or talk like and uneducated thug. Or she may have a lisp that is endearing or a tendency to not step on the cracks in the tile floor. All these little things give your caharacter more depth. Making them more believable. More loveable or more hateable according to weather they are the protagonist or the antagonist. Robert Mckee has a great book called STORY.In it he talks of creating characters who have depth and substance. The more involved emotionally, the reader becomes the closer we are to grabbing them and making them feel. Which is what writing is all about.
Getting our readers to sit with their mouths in their lap and an intense gaze in their eyes. Awestruck. Puppets. OURS! Thats when we got em’.
Thats why we write.
So work on putting more depth into your characters and watch out for redundacies. But this is GREAT story. Fine structure, and you had me wanting and waiting for the conclusion.
I can see this published after a little revision.
You did quite well with this piece. BRAVO!
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
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A good story. Mistaken surgery is an old theme, but you added something new with Lisa’s denial of her name.
Mainly well written, but just a few suggestions;
“The absolutely repulsing color. It was a pukey-green color and it was disgusting” -> “The absolutely repulsive color,pukey-green and disgusting”
“My stomach was already clenched into a tight knot already and..” ->”My stomach was already clenched into a tight knot and..”
“and sometimes, I couldn’t breathe ”->drop the comma
“over to Lisa I tried to see what they were doing to Lisa,” ->”over to Lisa I tried to see what they were doing to her,”
“and then, the curtain ” drop the comma
“but I couldn’t get the thought ”->”but I couldn’t make the thought “
“on the floor, in a puddle ”->drop the comma
“that, it was still sickening”->”that, the thought of her amputation was still sickening”
” I thought. Then,I mentally kicked myself”->”I mentally kicked myself”
“nervously throughout the room, thinking of..”->”nervously around the room, trying to think of..”
“turned out her lamp, clothing the room in darkness, except for my lamp”->”turned out her lamp. With the exception of the small area lit by my own small light,the room was then clothed in darkness”
“each mirror, I saw Lisa’s”->drop the comma
“mirror, but when I did, ”->”mirror but, when I did, “
“but there were no hands”->”but with shortened arms, not hands”
“In the most vivid one”->”In the most vivid dream”
“walked away with the other one”->”carried the other away with her”
“But they stated”->”But they started”
Good work.
unusualgirl0 reviewed Version 1 -
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Okay, overall, I really liked it. It was spooky, interesting and has a lot of potential. Good job! Now I’m going to nit-pick it, but please don’t be discouraged: I’m only doing this because I think you’ve got a lot of potential.
The absolutely repulsing color. It was a pukey-green color and it was disgusting. It made ME want to puke.
Redudant. You could make this one sentence by saying “the absolutely repulsive green color made me want to puke.”
Shh!!” hissed
Save the multiple exclimations for emails.
Her name was Lisa Rodgers.
This is where the story starts. Cut the first part.
“No!” gasped my mother in disbelief
It seems pretty obvious what the girl is doing, I don’t think the mom would be that shocked.
elbow down.”
*
Just the thought of having
You don’t need the astrick here, there’s no break.
‘She won’t be able to do that tomorrow!’ I thought
Don’t say the thought. Just say:
she wouldn’t be able to do that tomorrow.
glaring daggers
cliche
But they stated
started
The only overall suggestion I have is that I don’t know why Lisa’s arm is being removed. I need a good reason for it, it seems so random and not medically necessary.
Other than that, good job and keep writing!
witchj23 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow…this is so scary. i had to have knee surgery a few years back and before i had to go into get all hooked up the iv and stuff the nurse came in and gave me a huge black sharpie and told me to put a big X on the leg they were working on. that scared me to death…why would i have to mark it??? didn’t they have it written down which leg they were working on???
your piece really plays on a lot of frightening ideas. hospitals making a mistake. a person stealing our identity. having to take the “punishment” for someone that we were trying to befriend.
great job.
SwordMistress reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a really good story. I loved the title. Once you see the story is about a hospital you know something bad is going to happen. I really like the first lines. First lines are so important and yours draws the reader in.
“The absolutely repulsing color. It was a pukey-green color and it was disgusting. It made ME want to puke.” I think you could scale this back a little. We get the idea very clearly. Maybe just take out “It made ME want to puke.”
“stroking my blonde hair reassuringly.” We already know that the mother is being reassuring, you don’t need the adverb. Adverbs should only be used if absolutely necessary.
“My mom squeezed my hand reassuringly.” Same as above. The hand squeeze is reassuring in this context, we don’t need the adverb.
I think we need to know why she is having her arm removed otherwise it seems like Lisa is getting her arm removed to advance the plot or to be convenient for the storyline.
I normally don’t like endings that leave you hanging in the air, but in this case I really did. I thought it worked well.
Caroline24 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an excellent story. I couldn’t wait to find out what happened. You are a very gifted writer for someone your age.
You do have some minor errors, mostly at the beginning.
3rd sentence: “It was pukey-greeen color…” Take out the word “color,” you’ve said it enough at this point.
“My stomach was clenched…” Take out one of the “already’s.”
I think you should write the numbers as numbers: “B9, B7…” since this is the way they would look on an actual door.
“The nurse handed me a pukey-green…” I’d use another term here since you’ve used this already to describe the walls. Or say, “a gown that was the same puke-green as the walls…”
“Lisa does. But I don’t.” She said curtly.
Should be “Lisa does. But I don’t,” she said curtly.
“Sure thing.” Said the one…
Same as before: end the spoken part with a comma and do not capitalize “said.”
“Stated” should be “started.”
There are two flaws in the actual story. One is when the nurse tells Kayla and her parents what kind of surgery Lisa is having. This is a no-no. Nurses have to maintain confidentiality. But you could still get away with this if you have the nurse acknowledge it by adding “I’m not supposed to tell you this but…”
The other is the lack of a bracelet. The attendants would check the bracelet. You could easily add this. “Lisa” could switch them in the night.
Very good job and a fantastic story.
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