Eeep! Someone else who does as much proofreading as I do…
Please login to continue.
Short Story / View From On High (Analysis)
Looking down at the small gathering below, he can see his children. He watches as they carefully and sadly contemplate recent events, trying to find some meaning from this. He sees their entire lives from birth to the present and death. He feels the physical pain, the creak of muscle fiber slowly tearing from his bones bending. Then a scorching voice, “why must you insist on this insidious act? This is such a waste of time dying for a pathetic failure. Why should you suffer? You gave them a choice and they chose me”!!
He looks through the physical, his focus penetrating into the spirit and there a glaring dark form of pure hate, enraged, pacing, head driven down. He watches the form as thoughts come into its being, take shape and then are carefully delivered.
He replies, “oh not all of them chose or will choose you and as I recall did I not give you a choice?” Moving back into the physical he then says out loud, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing.”
Immediately the form spins” how can you forgive them and not me??!!!!”
“Oh, you are asking forgiveness now?”
It screams knowing it is a dead end, all lies are seen, saying yes would remind all there of who is the liar. Answering no just looks foolish for bringing it up.
He turns his attention away from the form, below he sees his Mother crying, another dark form is silenced and kept at a distance by a massive being of light shining on her, comforting her.
In the spirit he sees the clouds and watches the dewy droplets hanging in the air. The sun far above reflecting on each little droplet. He watches the moon slowly circling on its path around the Earth. In distant lands people oblivious to this final battle, going about their busy lives. The future, the prayers, the victories, the wars, the mistakes and ensuing shame ,the tearing pain of bad decisions and the weighted heavy blankets of guilt. He continues reviewing every single life from birth to death from this moment through the very end of time.
All the while the physical pain is constantly there, trying to draw his attention away from the spiritual. He fights to focus,he feels every nerve as it delivers individual signals of tortuous sickening raw pain. He denies none of it.
Gathering all his strength, he realizes his thirst is calling for attention, he needs to stay alive, he must feel every thing and he needs more time to review the lives from this moment to the very end. Slowly he will see every single human failure as it will be heaped upon his spirit while he is in the throes of horrible physical pain he will feel every part of it and forgive those who ask. He looks down and says, ” I am thirsty”
Seeing an opportunity to distract him, one of the demons is ordered to tell the soldier to give him some wine vinegar. The soldier gives him the vinegar. As he drinks, he looks at the soldier, goes back in time to his conception, sees his soul flash into his new body, watches him as a boy, growing, all the happiness, pain and utter failures of his life he hears all his prayers. Now he looks the soldier directly in the eyes, gulping down the water his throat singes in pain. The soldiers spirit leaps in utter wonder and awe. One of the dark forms catches on. Rising to stop the exchange it invokes hatred and anger into the other soldiers who shout at the man “if you are the king of the Jews save yourself” the gaze remains unbroken the soldier is forgiven.
He moves on in the spirit to the other soldiers,then to the others gathered below and then his family his mother and brothers. Then to the millions of people who will pray, hanging on, the pain intensifying, he flashes through every moment of every person who prays for anything, the pain grows and grows screaming for his attention away from such matters of the spirit. It takes all his might to stay in a body that is shutting down searing pain intensifying while peeling blankets of guilt off masses of praying people through all of time.
He blinks and winces the pain is nearly at its peak, the dark form is fuming, will you just let me be, its over you lost they hate you, just leave!! He knows he cannot until it is finished, the last moment is fast approaching, in that moment of maximum pain, he will be totally separated from the spirit and must contend with and exist in purely the physical, something that has never been done before.
Then it happens, just as he finishes the last review and with the entire weight of all the sin throughout all of history upon him, there is a flash, the Holy Spirit vanishes from him and a new unfamiliar loneliness rushes in. This new utter emptiness combined with the physical pain is so intense he cries out, “my God my God why have you abandoned me”
The demonic armies, sensing victory, begin to ready an attack. Darkness comes over the land as the sun stops shining.
Holding on, his body dying, last bits of oxygen carried out in the drops of blood running from his body. He knows this is his last moment of conscious physical thought. Just then he speaks, “Father into your hands I commit my spirit” , there is a mighty flash as he is rejoined into the triune. The curtain of the temple is torn in two from top to bottom, the earth shook and the rocks were split.
The ones who were guarding Jesus after seeing the earthquake were terrified and exclaimed that he was the son of God.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
BellaEden reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 57 word review has not been unlocked.
CrazyBeautiful reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
I’m not a particularly religious person, but once I got over this being about “Jesus” and “God,” it was an actually a fairly entertaining read.
Some parts are confusing, in that when you begin a sentence or paragraph with “He” I’m not sure if you’re referring to Jesus or God. It just occurred to me that the Christians would tell me they are one in the same.
I especially liked the mid-section, where you flash to scenes of others asking for forgiveness. Very visual and intense. Your prose works with this type of writing – the sort of “stream of consciousness” – just watch your flow and remember that to efficiently break the rules of grammar and structure, you must first know them by heart.
- add/view comments (0)
Goatfish1 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
This takes the Omniscient POV to a whole new level. It is a monumental undertaking to retell the Christ Crucifixion. Lots of big ideas in there. Your writing made interesting points about the matter of choice and absolute knowledge. It was difficult to follow though, transitions were choppy and the storyline, although I’m familiar with it, was not smooth.
Confusing story transitions. One minute God is back in time with Jesus and then next minute all peoples of the earth are going about their lives unaware of the great battle of the angels going on, which I thought, according to your story’s rendition, happened at the creation of man. Maybe I’m confused. But that’s my point, you jumped from one scene to another with no lead in or explanation.
For example, and keep in mind I say some of this in jest but it was how I read the story as presented. I know what you meant but it didn’t translate to your written material.
Jesus is dying on the cross and you direct the reader to a guy lying near his bathtub with a needle stuck in his arm. His wife runs in and dials 911. Why not have one of the Roman soldiers throw a cell phone up to Jesus and get the cops over there as well? You know I’m kidding when I say that, but it’s such a jarring transition that it has a comical element to it, not at all what you were striving for. I understand you were attempting to show how Jesus sees and feels all mans suffering and pain, past and future. But the way in which it was presented Jesus was roaming around picking up sins like fruit at the supermarket. It’s hard for a reader to follow and to take seriously. God says things like “Go ahead.” and Lucifer has a nice stroll with Gabriel. My point is only that the material you used, all valid themes, do not work with a weak technique.
Rework your material. There are many images of how the masses are affected, blankets of guilt coming off, etc. Why not concentrate on one or two main characters to show these effects? It brings a reader into the story more with a specific focus instead of a generalization of many. Also, look up online the technique of transition and also ‘show’ and not tell in story writing. I think it will help get your story across with better use of technique. You have some compelling ideas mixed in with it all and with better use of writing technique could strengthen your effectiveness in portraying those ideas. Best of luck to you!
thefierywrath reviewed Version 2 -
Read 100% of the Item
Your story is overall nice. The theme is good. It lives up to the phrase, ” Every drop of blood was for each human on this earth.” I liked the way you transitioned from each sinner. At the beginning, words like scorching, and penetrating really help with the imagery. Try not to get stuck in the passive tense though. “Satan screams knowing it is a dead end; all truth is clearly seen before the Lord and saying yes would remind all there of who the liar truly is. Answering no just looks foolish.” This phrase is awkward, especially, “all there of who the liar truly is.” It may be a typo, but I really don’t know. There also needs to be a comma before, “and saying yes,” because it is a separate clause. With some more attention focussed on fixing the beginning, this will be a nice piece, and possibly publishable.
Starwise reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 350 word review has not been unlocked.
Goatfish1 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 209 word review has not been unlocked.
catluckey reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 263 word review has not been unlocked.
MaggieMinardi reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
You have moments of great clarity and description (the moon, heavy blankets of guilt), then moments of confusion. It becomes clear by the second page what story this is retelling, but if I were a non-Christian outsider, and even as someone raised Christian, there are moments of confusion. Where do the soldiers enter suddenly? It jumps around from the physical to the spiritual without that much differentiation.
Retellings are tough because you have a long line of history to stand above and apart from. I think you have a talent of voice and a skill for seeing some details. Maybe if you set this aside for a while and then revisit it as an outsider you’ll be able to smooth out the rough transitions and give more description.
Good luck.
Weaver reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This 378 word review has not been unlocked.
avedis reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
This is the first time I’ve read of the crucifixion from Jesus’ point of view, a great idea.
The counterpointing of his humanity with his omniscience is very good, as are his exchanges with the devil.
This is let down by some of your writing, but most is easily fixed.
“meaning from this”-> events = “meaning from them”
“to the present and death”->”to the present and forward to their death”
“tearing from his bones bending”->either “tearing from bones bending” or “tearing as his bones bend”
“waste of time dying for->”waste of time, dying for”
“chose me”!!”->”chose me!!”
“He looks through the physical->”He looks beyond the physical”
“and there a glaring dark”->”and, within that, a glaring dark”
“you and as I recall did ”->”you and, as I recall, did “
“Moving back into the physical ”->”Focusing back into the physical ” (Reusing focusing enforces the concept).
“looks foolish for bringing it up”->”looks foolish.”
“As he drinks, he looks at the soldier”->”Drinking, he looks at the soldier” (Otherwise ‘he’ seems to continue with the soldier).
“away from the form, below he sees”->”away from the form; below he sees”
“In distant lands”->”Knowing that in distant lands”
“horrible physical pain he will feel ”->”horrible physical pain. He will feel “
“his conception…all his prayers.” Clarify this, are you talking about the soldier or Jesus?
“will pray, hanging on”->”will pray. Hanging on” (Change of who you are talking about).
“yourself” the gaze ”->”yourself”. The gaze “
“is shutting down searing pain”->”is shutting down. Searing pain”
“and winces the pain ”->”and winces, the pain “
‘fuming, will you’ -‘fuming, “Will you”’
“is fast approaching, in that moment ”->”is fast approaching; in that moment “
“and must contend ”->”and will have to contend “
“and with the entire weight”->”and, with the entire weight”
“there is a flash, the Holy Spirit vanishes”->”there is a flash. The Holy Spirit vanishes”
“my spirit” , there is a mighty”->”my spirit”. There is a mighty”
“is torn in ..the earth shook and the rocks were split.”Mixed tenses, ->”is torn in two from top to bottom, the earth shakes and the rocks are split.”
Overall, an interesting perspective.
Showing 1 - 10 of 11
Next →
Review item
Add to faves
Ratings & Rankings
