Thank you for your insight and encouragement. Much appreciated.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Unwanted (Analysis)
Nick slipped two one hundred dollar bills into the doorman’s hand as he cautiously entered the nightclub. The crowd was in full party mode. He couldn’t help but notice the large crowd of men and women engaging each other rhythmically on the dance floor as he endured the pain in his ears caused by the thumping bass coming from the live band up on stage. Purposefully he adjusted his Armani suit and took a deep breath to calm himself. He was meeting someone tonight and he knew how important it was to be clear headed. As he made his way toward the bar a few women smiled in his direction. It would have been nice if this was a social meeting but he had to keep focused. There was no time for fun.
With a wave of his arm Nick got the bartender’s attention and asked, “I’m looking for a Damon Hannah.”
“Who’s asking?”
With one fluid motion he slid a one hundred dollar bill toward the bartender. Nick locked glances with the man and didn’t say anything. Motioning to the back of the club the bartender took the money and walked away. Nick could see the booths in the back and started toward them when the sensation of someone running their hands through his thick wavy black hair stopped him.
“Where ya goin,” came a woman’s voice.
He turned around and came face to face with a very beautiful young woman who was very drunk.
“Nice watch handsome. Vacheron Constantin right?”
On any other time this would have been a welcome diversion but not tonight.
“Yes, thanks for noticing. I’m sorry miss but I can’t stay and talk.”
He could hear her yell out, “Jerk,” after he politely pulled the woman’s hand from out of his hair and walked away. Ignoring the woman’s comment he quickly weaved through the crowd and made his way to the back of the club. He could see Damon sitting in a private booth with two large bodyguards standing nearby. Taking another deep breath the man approached and just as he expected the larger of the two muscle-bound guards stepped in front of him.
“I think you’re lost pal.”
Nick looked up at the bodyguard and replied, “Tell your boss that Mr. Prospero is here.”
“Its all right. Let him through,” Damon ordered. “Please sit down Mr. Prospero. I have to ask, are you a Poe fan?”
Nick cautiously sat across from Damon and answered, “Not overly but I hear you are. I thought you would appreciate it.”
“Nice. Do you know the story of Prince Prospero?” Damon’s smile made Nick feel like he was some sort of prey.
“Not really.”
“The story tells of a prince who thought he could escape death and ignore his own sickness. He believed the Red Death couldn’t touch him. In the end he died.” Damon paused and took a sip from his wine glass. Nick wasn’t sure if he should say something in response but Damon quickly finished his thought and said, “The moral being that pride comes before a fall. I hope you’re not such a person.”
Nick was glad to let Damon do all the talking. It gave him a chance to size up who he was dealing with now that he was face to face. Damon wore a nice suit adorned with expensive chains and on his hands were several diamond-studded rings that he liked to flaunt as he held his wine glass in front of him. The way Damon spoke made it clear that the man had been educated but his entire demeanor came off as a low level soldier masquerading as something he’s not.
“That’s a lesson we can all learn from Mr. Hannah.”
Damon chuckled at his response and said to his bodyguards, “Mr. Hannah. I like this guy already. He knows how to show respect. So how can I help you Mr. Prospero?”
He wasn’t sure but there was a hint of sarcasm in Damon’s question. “I believe you are in the market for some high end medical equipment or so I was led to believe?”
“Go on I’m listening.”
NIck reached slowly for the list inside his jacket so as not to alarm the bodyguards. He cautiously slid the list across the table to Damon. This was going to be a complicated transaction and he didn’t want to start trouble, yet.
“I also have in my possession an ABI PRISM 310 Genetic Analyzer. Interested?” Nick waited to see what Damon’s reaction would be.
Damon pulled out his PDA and began tapping on it with his pointer. Since the lighting was so dim on Damon’s side of the booth it was hard for Nick to read his facial expressions.
After several seconds Damon finally leaned forward and said, “I believe we can do business Mr. Prospero. I’d need to see all of the equipment is working before we can talk price.”
Something was wrong. Nick knew this was going entirely too easy. He expected questions on where he acquired the equipment and the lack of mistrust was setting off internal alarms. Any street thug would have patted him down for weapons before being allowed to sit down and talk. Also the lack of female companionship was a sure sign that Damon was all about business tonight. Nick knew there was no genuine intention of purchasing any of the equipment but that left one question unanswered. What did Damon have planned?
He replied, “Perfect Mr. Hannah. If you’d like I can take you to my warehouse where you can examine the merchandise.”
“Let’s go.”
The look in Damon’s eyes as he got up from the booth answered Nick’s question. It was a look he had seen before; murder. He quickly followed behind Damon as the two bodyguards took up the rear.
“My car is just around the corner out the front. We…” Nick tried to stop and redirect Damon but he was met with a stiff shove in his back followed by one of the bodyguard’s hands latching onto his right shoulder. He knew this was not a good sign as Damon led the way through the crowds and headed toward the back exit hallway. Nick’s life was on the line and he knew that if he were going to survive the night he would need to do something and quickly. Sweat began to poor down Nick’s face as he felt his heart rate accelerate in his chest. He tried to wipe his brow but another large hand clasped onto his left forearm.
Nick realized his breathing was becoming more rapid also and immediately he began forcing himself to take deeper breathes. He couldn’t afford to panic or be distracted. What he needed was an advantage and finally it came. As Damon led the way down the back hallway past the restrooms the second bodyguard stepped in front of him. It was now or never. Nick watched as the bodyguard in front of him turned his attention toward Damon and he attacked. With all his weight on his left leg Nick kicked backwards with his right foot and hit it’s target. His escort’s right kneecap bent unnaturally. Nick could feel the give of the bone from his kick as the bodyguard yelled out in pain and released him.
Nick immediately spun around and landed a right fist across the now kneeling bodyguard’s jaw and sent him to the floor unconscious. Thankfully the adrenaline covered the pain from the knuckle he just broke on the man’s face. He knew he couldn’t hesitate or he would be dead. Nick turned just in time to see the other bodyguard grabbing for his pistol. Without forethought he jabbed his right hand into the man’s throat. He watched as the man dropped his gun and gasped for air. Nick had to finish this man off before Damon turned around and realized what was happening. As quickly as he could he kicked the bodyguard in the groin and as the man bent over he double fisting the man’s back forcing him motionless on the floor.
Trying to focus on what to do next, Nick looked up to see Damon finally turning around to face him. He could see a look of shock on Damon’s face briefly but it was gone in a blink of an eye. Damon reached for his gun underneath his black blazer just as a young brunette came out of the ladies room and stood between the two men. Instinctively Nick leaped forward and tackled the woman back through the ladies room entrance. He could hear the bullets pass his head as the woman let out a blood-curdling scream. It seemed to happen all in slow motion but Nick forced himself to his feet. He could hear the screams of the nightclub members replace the now silent band.
Nick cursed himself for not grabbing one of the bodyguard’s pistols as he stood just inside the ladies room doorway out of sight. After a few seconds passed Nick cautiously peered into the hallway only to see the back exit door closing followed by the sound of a motorcycle trying to be started. Correcting his earlier mistake, Nick grabbed the gun from the nearest bodyguard and ran toward the back exit. He slammed open the door with the gun pointed in the direction of the motorcycle engine but it was too late. Nick watched Damon racing down the alleyway on a blood red motorcycle.
The screeching of tires coming from behind Nick caused him to turn around just in time to be met by a black van.
As he jumped into the passenger side of the van he yelled, “Where were you!”
The driver replied, “We couldn’t hear you over the noise. You knew that was gonna happen Nick or should I call you Prospero.”
Nick began pulling off his Armani Jacket and replied, “Allen I was nearly shot! Do you have a bead on him?”
“Sorry. Yes. He is heading eastbound on West Kinzie Street just past North Clark.”
Nick sometimes wondered about his team member Allen Young. They were good friends and Allen seemed steady but Nick found his humor inappropriate at times and this had been one those times. Nick used the van radio and called all local units to pursue the subject as he put his gun holster on. Nick could see the motorcycle weaving in an out of traffic as Damon ran a red light and nearly caused an accident. The thought of loosing their only lead was not an option in Nick’s mind but as he watched Damon getting farther away his hopes began to sink. Months spent setting up this sting and it was all thrown out the door if they didn’t catch up to that motorcycle.
Nick spoke again into the radio and said, “Suspect is heading northbound on North Rush Street,” as he turned on their pursuit light in the front windshield and hoped for something to go their way.
When they finally made the turn to follow Damon, Nick could see that the police had blocked off East Grand Street as their lights flashed two blocks away. Nick was surprised to see that Damon had stopped in the middle of traffic for a moment and was looking back at them. Allen floored the gas once again as Damon spun his tire and headed east on East Illinois Avenue away from the roadblock. Is Damon taunting them? Nick was confused by Damon’s actions but it gave them a chance to catch up.
Nick was glad to see two Chicago Police cars had joined in the chase behind them. After four blocks of pursuit Nick could see Damon begin to slow down. Nick knew that Damon didn’t have much further to run as they approached Lake Michigan. He called to all units to block off the exits to the pier immediately. They had him trapped. The road ended at a circle that led to East Navy Pier Street, which was a dead end over looking the lake.
Nick said to Allen, “Hurry. Before he finds a way out.”
He didn’t miss Allen’s agitated look at his statement but he didn’t care. They couldn’t let Damon escape. Nick watched as they followed Damon into a parking garage. With great agility Damon slid the motorcycle on its side underneath the entrance railing then propped himself back up without stopping his momentum. Nick felt a sense of relief as Allen broke down the entrance railing and followed Damon. He was trapped.
When they finally made it to the roof Nick’s mouth dropped at what he saw. On the far end of the roof was the motorcycle laying on its side and right next to it he could see Damon leaping off the building in a glider. Nick jumped out of the van and watched from the roof edge as Damon glided out over Lake Michigan along with any hope of capturing him. It was clear that this was all planned from the beginning and Nick shouted out in frustration, “You’ve gotta be kiddin me!”
“Sorry Nick,” his partner tried to console him. “He’s probably going to land somewhere out in the middle of the lake. There’s probably a boat waiting for him. I should call in the coast guard and have them begin searching.”
Nick replied, “Yeah do that,” but he knew by the time they got the coast guard searching Damon would be long gone.
His thoughts were abruptly shattered as a large explosion filled the night sky behind them sending smoke and flames in every direction. They both ducked down instinctively. Nick’s stomach began to ache as he watched the smoke from the explosion begin to blow over Chicago.
Softly he said to himself, “Not again.”
Nick replayed the evening back in his head as they drove to the crime scene. Something tipped Damon off that he was an FBI Agent. He didn’t want to consider it just yet that it may be a ‘someone’ but tonight made him feel even more uncomfortable. Damon wanted them on that roof to witness the explosion. That much was certain. The more he thought about it the more upset he became. Whoever was behind this was playing games with him and the Bureau.
Nick watched from a distance for a couple hours as fireman fought back the flames coming from the building. The scene was chaos. Nick could see crowds of onlookers and every news crew in the city standing at the barricades fighting to get a better look. Nick let out a defeated sigh when the police reported their initial findings.
Just like the other two times. When the report that several bodies had been found at the scene Nick asked, “How many of them were babies?”
The police chief looked at Nick stunned but he replied, “At least three so far. How did…”
“Keep searching. There’s always five officer and at least ten or more adults. Always.”
Nick walked away before anything more could be said. He was disgusted with himself. He felt like a failure. This was the third mass murder in just over 20 months and they were still in the dark as to who was behind it. The only lead they had was somewhere in the middle of Lake Michigan.
He ordered Allen to get forensics on the scene as soon as possible. He wasn’t looking forward to reporting on the day’s events. On his way back to the hotel Nick played the night over and over in his head. It was crimes like this that gave him nightmares.
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Majireon reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked this chapter, but I am a bit confused by the Sci-fi/Fantasy grouping. It seems like this story would be better suited to crime/mystery. I dont really know enough about where it is going to go, but that is my first impression. The section where “prospero” is trying to sell genetic equipment to Damon, may lead to more Sci-fi things, and has some potential.
I really enjoyed this, the dialogue seemed natural, and the characters knowledge of the area that the chase takes place in comes across well. I can tell that you know the area, or have thought out a made up area quite well, so as to make it seem like a real place. The characters came across as interesting, and believably human, with legitimate weaknesses and strengths, and they seem fairly well fleshed out, for a first chapter. I dont remember, if you described Nick, other than the thick black hair, and I think that a pretty good time to do so would be as he adjusts his suit. A quick description of body type and height, could be thrown in here, with relative ease, and I dont think it would throw off the flow of the story. The story was paced very well, and the events keep you reading, to see what’s going to happen next. My only complaint is that there was a small lack of Sci-fi elements, but the events so far could be building up to later genetic weirdness, and sci-fi awesomeness, so no worries. Let me know if you post more of this story.
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trouten_m reviewed Version 2 -
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He could see a look of shock on Damon’s face briefly but it was gone in a blink of an eye. —Perhaps instead: A look of shock registered on Damon’s face for only a moment before Nick saw him reaching for his gun.
W/o discussing spelling/grammar, the only thing I can suggest is reading it as if you weren’t the one that wrote it. Relax, read the FBI thrillers by Catharine Coulter :), that kind of thing. All in all, I like it alot and I look forward to reading future installments. Keep it up.
unusualgirl0 reviewed Version 2 -
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Okay, so far, I like it. You’ve got an interesting premise and I am left curious, but not too confused. Good job. A few writing-things only—the story is solid.
You have a tendency to say things in a round about way. It’s unnessary. Instead of :
He couldn’t help but notice the large crowd of men and women engaging each other rhythmically on the dance floor as he endured the pain in his ears caused by the thumping bass coming from the live band up on stage
He saw men and women dancing to the rhythmic bass.
He could hear her yell out, “Jerk,”
She yelled “Jerk”...
Ignoring the woman’s comment he quickly weaved
Ignoring her, he quickly weaved…
on his hands were several diamond-studded rings that he liked to flaunt as he held his wine glass in front of him.
He wore several diamond rings (we assume they’re on his hands) that he flaunted as he held his wine glass… THis is also a POV issue, we can’t know that he likes to do it, only that he does.
Nick walked away before anything more could be said
You can drop “before… said.” We can surmise that.
Other issues:
probably the way he wanted it Nick thought to himself
WIth thoughts, either state them outright. ”It was probably the way he wanted it.” or use italics.
It seemed to happen all in slow motion but Nick forced himself to his feet.
These thoughts aren’t related. The connector doesn’t work. Maybe “and”.
Nick was confused by Damon’s actions but it gave them a chance to catch up.
What is “it”?
Please, don’t be discouraged, you’ve got a lot of potential. Good luck, good job and keep writing!
smartins11 reviewed Version 1 -
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Hey,
This reads like a conventional crime story/detective/mystery novel, not like sci fi/fantasy; but is it meant to be a cross of the two genres? That could be really interesting, but right now the sf/fantasy aspect is not coming through. I would think that in the first chapter you want to lay the groundwork of any cross-genre innovation, so that’s one recommendation if that’s your intention.
There is a lot of action immediately, with Nick walking into a set-up, a physical fight, a chase, an explosion, etc. That’s great. But I do think it’s worth slowing down within the first few pages to help us understand Nick’s character and situation better. Later, of course, there is some quick exposition about the fact that Nick is an FBI agent and he’s been frustrated a few times already with these mysterious mass murders—but right now it feels a little disjointed. I think the effect you’re trying for is to set a scene, like in a movie, and then reveal what is really going on. But then I think you may need to work on how those facts are revealed (don’t rush them) and also help us get to know Nick at least a little before he starts throwing punches. It will help your reader stay engaged.
good luck
Tinga_Wolvesbane reviewed Version 1 -
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Very Intriguing. I don’t usually read mystery sci-fi type of things but I really liked yours. I hope there will be more in the future, perhaps a prequel to explore more in depth the relationship of Nick and Damon. It seems like they have a “history”
Jacamo reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the story so far,I’m not yet seeing the sci-fi connection so I assume that will come later in the story.There are quite a number of spelling and grammer errors (all small) but that is what editors are for.This work should develop into a good novel. good action and tension descriptions,good story flow.Continue to develop this piece.
browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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IN MANY OF THE SENTENCES, THERE WAS A LACK OF COMMAS WHICH WOULD HAVE MADE READING IT MORE CLEAR. THE WAY YOU SHOWED THE CHARACTERS THINKING AND SPEAKING WAS VERY REALISTIC AND YOU CREATED VIVID IMAGES WITH YOUR DESCRIPTIONS WHICH FOR THE MOST PART WERE WOVEN INTO THE STORY AND NO TOO “TELLING” WHICH WAS GOOD. HOWEVER, YOUR DESCRIPTIONS OF THE CHARACTERS IN THE BOOK WERE VAGUE. I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT WHAT NICK LOOKED LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, BUT IT ISN’T 100% NECESSARY.
specialfae reviewed Version 1 -
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It was amazing, kept me on my toes and I felt like I was running with him. Great job!
greenbabe13 reviewed Version 2 -
Read 33% of the Item
This is very interesting and i think you should try publication. it has plenty of detail and description, so there is no need for improvement in that area.
TheFionnmeister reviewed Version 2 -
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A gripping story. I think a little more history on Nick in subsequent pieces would help define his character more. You write well – it’s a very believable story.
If I can be picky, I think you should change pointer to stylus (page 2).
Overall a gripping, atmospheric and belivable story. You show great talent, keep it up!
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