Poetry / The Story of Fallacy, Part I

okay, i didnt like the last line in the first stanza.  really its only first degree sunburn that peels.  Second degree will blister, and the skin will crack in time, but nobody calls it peeling.  The only peeling that happens with third degree is when the scabs show up, which is a little while after the actuall burning, and for it to happen from sunburn, you have to fall drunk asleep in the desert.

Nickpicky, but its poetry, what else can we do but isolate the small stuff.

I like the imagery of the last three stanzas the most.  IT was overall unexpected, and consistent.  Did you intend the italics or did urbis do that on its own?

Glass and water great.

Cheers, i hope this was a little helpful,

james

This is a very strong effort.  I can see you really digging on this one.  Once again, I would suggest being more specific in your descriptions.  On the one hand you have a very ethereal mood that is set by your word choice and form, but the reality side of the coin leaves a little to be desired.  Description, description, description.  Specifics.  A couple of really good lines: “dawning in light which dances across concrete” and “stretching them…peeling them away like sunburn”.  Good luck with this.  You have a great start.

Your poetic style is inviting. The ending of each verse with three words that complete the picture was exceptional in style. However; I didn’t enjoy your message because your choice of metaphors were unappealing. Organs, viens and limbs may paint a significant portait for your message, but it is not a painting people choose to gaze at. (Remember “A good writer is a painter of a different canvas, with the creativity to put you in the picture”. By: David Lankop) Readers should be taken on a journey that they did not know they were on. I easily got lost in some of your text and then was offended into reality with unpleasant visions.

I Love it – Feels like I a walking across a bed of fire – exciting, scary and challenging all at the same time.  It almost puts me in a trance as I want to experience what is written.

I could see peeling the skin back, touching the organs inside and much more. It makes me wonder how we can spend a lifetime and never touch ourselves completely – mind, body and soul.

So, many times in life we walk on eggshells – tip toeing around when we should be walking with no hesitation or fear, even if across a floor of broken glass.  

Your poem is very thought provoking.

I think I am going to go look for part II.

A very good read!
I enjoyed every line.

I’m not sure that I really understand the last two stanzas.. but I am sure it is just me being shallow.

This one part i would like to reference

except that skin is made of sandpaper
organs which sprout from vegetation
with leaves that are human hands
(the stem is the spine)

I think this is very beatiful but have a question, wouldnt this sound nice as well

Sandpaper is the skin

Vegetation spouts through organs

Leaves formed to human hands

May the stem be the spine

I do write backwards thought, LOL

I did like your overall train of thought, its somewhat how I think

Just Backwards

“drowning in light which
dances across concrete
that is cracked by ink stained water
(the water is glass)

which has melted and hardened
and broken into pieces of abstract ideas
which are buried like so much shrapnel
(in all perception)”

i really saw a relationship between thse two stanzas and i thougth they flowed very well, though i donn’t really see how they realte to the rest of the poem.

also, to make the rest of the poem better, you could work on a few word chices such as inevitable in “or inevitable presences ”. try reading it out loud and you will probably see how it is a bit of a tongue twister and inturrupts the flow.

sounds like it’s going to be a good poem with a bit of work.

I definitely like the idea. I’d love to see the whole thing done.
Fallacies! -what a nice concentration you place us to think about.

You have taken abstraction and peel it up into beautiful crusts.
I think this is great. Artistic, no doubt. Keep it with the good stuff.!

Meow FOR YOU AND YOURS.

The description is very effective and vivid. The poem is very abstract; as I sit here I’m trying to get a good handle on it and failing. I suppose there is something to being mysterious.

If I put that aside, it’s very well-written. The phrasing is excellent. This is just a really great piece.

S1, I really liked.

S4, I didn’t like the ‘except’ repetition. I get it, it qualifies the three following stanzas, but at perhaps an unnecessary cost. I would have preferred, “except the exceptions.” or something to that effect, but that is me.

S5-7, I didn’t like the way you did the last lines in each of these. The delivery of them broke the poetic flow. I think that in using that technique, you passed up an opportunity to clinch the deal. A strong ending of these lines would have made this a solid poem.

Overall, I liked it quite a bit.

Joel.