Non-fiction / An Outline of Me (Analysis)

The openning is strong.  It creates a nice tone and momentum for the piece.  What follows, however, comes off as a slightly superfical attempt at self-deprecation.  Honesty in writing is very difficult, and I walked away from this feeling like you were trying to get away with telling me only what you were comfortable with letting me know.  Near the end of the piece you seemed to dig a little deeper.  Your outline of yourself as a writer should begin here, with “I would be better off if I could stop injecting my stories with self-indulgent biographical stylings.”  When you write with a strong vocabulary, wrtie for your readers.  Less “tell” and more “show” will go a long way for you.  IMO.

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March 24, 2008

by calliopeiamuse

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Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Bremerton, WA	May 04

Thanks. I’ve been told that I should show more and tell less in the past too. I’ll work on it. :)

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1.  In the very beginning, “To do want to entertain, or do you want to be artistic? It’s so hard to….”  Did you mean ‘DO YOU want to entertain….’? “To do” doesn’t seem to be grammatically correct there.  
2.  I’m not sure where you would want this published but it seems like a personal diary entry or a letter to an advice columnist.
3.  This sounds cheesy but cheer up.  I know EXACTLY how you feel.  I was the last of all my friends to start dating.  I didn’t get my first kiss until months after I turned 18 and I knew I was good looking.  Now things are going a whole lot better.  It will get easier as you get older.  You probably wont find mister right for many many years but soon you will meet plenty of mister wrongs and mister right nows.  Love is like a storm, droughts can last for a long ass time but once it rains it pours, and trust me at times you will get sick of men.  Lord knows I get sick of women.
4.  Writing stories about your fantasies or that you feel relate to you too much isn’t a bad thing, that’s how most people(including myself) get inspiration.

well even if you think I’m just another adv

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March 24, 2008

by calliopeiamuse

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
39	61.5% (13 votes)	22.5%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
19	F	Bremerton, WA	May 04

Thanks! I didn’t catch that typo in the beginning. I will fix it. Thanks for the helpful advice. :)

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Metacognition (Or introspection, if you’re not some sort of pompous jackass) is a trap I used fall into fairly frequently. Do I like the music that I like because I authentically like it, or because I feel that I should like it? Am I an atheist because I really deep down don’t believe there’s a god, or because I just want to hang out with the cool kids? Is whatever project I’m working on at the time actually interesting, or am I working on it just to show off how smart and awesome I am?

But who cares? How is this eternal worrying being productive in any way?

It isn’t. All it is, is a waste of valuable time. How I feel, what I think, and what I believe just is, and time spent worrying about my hidden motivations is time thrown away.

This may or may not help you. But it’s how I managed to solve a similar problem, so there’s that.

I think that you do indeed have talent. I enjoyed reading your story. I think you conveyed your emotion well enough. I want to point out that I have never read any of your fiction. I would love to after reading this. I think that all the best writers put some of themselves in the story. You have to. Read Stephen King’s On Writing. Its a great book, and describes how he writes. Very thought provoking. I hate that I can’t give you more guidance. I will not degrade your writing by being passe or cliche. I will just say, to the man who one day appreciates the intelligence in you…well he is a man worth envying. Keep writing. I would certainly keep reading.

It appears to me that you are wise beyond your years. This is all very insightful and beautifully written. Heartwrenching, genuine and open. Good hook that draws me in immediately. Your language and grammar is exquisite (at least to me, who is non-English) and the rhytm and balance of your sentences is very soothing. Other than that, I can relate to all that you’re saying—I used to be that girl, so I feel every word as though they were my own. And isn’t this what writers strive for? To make the reader relate to the text and feel something for it?

‘Maybe someday when I’m less whiny or needy’. This seems a bit off—I think it should be left to the reader to feel and decide who and what you are.

Overall, I really, really liked this. Thank you for sharing!

To compare yourself to a bad writer is absolute bull!  you are amazing.  your story is soooo relatable it’s not even funny.  the story was perfect.  the intro was great because you went in apologetic, but that quickly changed by human folly (at least you said it would).  the second paragraph, there is a grammatical error (“to do…”), but no worry there.  on pg 2 in paragraph four when you said youre single not by choice, i can relate.  i wasn’t either in high school and it sucked.  also on that page in paragraph two, i can’t tell you how many times i wanted people to know the answer.

just know this.  the stress and issues you go through will always come out through your work.  thats what makes it special and sometimes oddly relatable to some.  so don’t fret, because your experiences have seemingly made you an awesome writer.  this was one of my favorite works!  :)

I’m new to this. Please forgive me if this is not what you are looking for.
I really like the condemnation towards the cliche. For people who seek to own life and its words in a comprehensibly creative manner, the concept of cliche is a terrible pathogen self obsessed with killing anything unique/original. Sorry for being dramatic. However, I see the entire point of this piece as recognizing cliches as vicious and boring, a strange duality no doubt. The nobility of your cause is beautiful. The structure of the piece has good flow and the tragically comical conclusion illustrates the simple truth that we can despise and battle cliches until the apocalypse but in reality they have become the very root from which the written/spoken word grows and most importantly has permeated most aspects of American culture.

From another perspective  

I think this is a good piece of writing and that you are a good writer. This piece speaks to million of individuals facing similar circumstances. As for injecting yourself in your writing, I would think that is is hard not to. Afterall, you created these characters from nothing. In addition, all writers have their own unique style of writing. So i would suggest that injecti a little piece of yourself in you stories is not bad. I like this piece. keep up the good work.

I could see this maybe being publishable as a piece of a young adult story following a girl growing up.  Perhaps as a part of your autobiography when you write that famous book ;).  In a few places it felt like you were trying to use larger words to add maturity, but in doing so it actually took away from it.  I believe you said something about that earlier in it though.  I do think that the things you presented aren’t completely new, but most people don’t voice them.  I think it’s good that you wrote this because many people forget what it’s like to be a teen.  One thing, “For the life of me, I cannot figure out what happened.” This is a bit off.  With what you were describing earlier it seemed like nothing had changed and that you were just becoming depressed about the way things were.  Sentence could be tweaked.  
Alexis

This piece is pretty good. I will also say that i can totally relate to what you say. There have been many times when i felt the same. Sometimes you even seem to wonder if maybe writing or even friends and dateing is even worth it. I found though that writing my stories is a release and makes my day. For those few precious hours(or minutes) You can be somewhere else, someone else, You can be anything.
With this piece i don’t think you sounded whinny or repetitive. I can really feel the emotion you tried to emulate, and you really got your point across. Sorry i have nothing bad to say but good work. You are an excellent writer to be able to get your emotions through, and i have ready many older and more experianced people who have trouble acomplishing this.