Poetry / Good Friday (Analysis)

I applaud you for tackling such a subject.  Sometimes with poetry it may be best to give it wings and break away from traditional forms and allow free verse to speak.  The forced rhythms reduce the sober and thought provoking message, making it sound more child like and trite.
I would work on elevating some of the words and really give the reader something visual to chew on:

some examples:
The candle was dark
empty, open
devastation
wait and ponder

These are just a bit too generic and don’t really have much impact.  This could be so brooding and somber with better word choices.
So my suggestions:  break it out of its forced rhythm,  elevate the words to be a more graphic representation of what you are trying to say, and find a sober and thought provoking tone that makes the reader feel their devastation by the questions you raise.

This is a good poem but you need better grammar and need improvements. I love your writing style. So everyone needs improvements in their writings. I’m a 14 year old so I need improvements.

I think that the over all message was very clear. Your rhyming and structure are a little rough though.  I did like how you ended the poem with the lines “Is it the triumph of their King? Or the end of their dream?”

Some of the stanzas have really good rhymes, some don’t rhyme at all. Also, some of the rhythm sounds a little awkward when reading it out loud.

As for the content of the poem, it gets a little confusing towards the middle. Maybe just read it out loud a few times and choose different wording to convey your message?

“To have a talent worth shaping—” I think you probably do.  Most of what I saw “wrong” were things that can be fixed with editing and experience.  I understand that the first half of the poem is kind of looking back into the past and that it switches to our present reflection, but the first three stanzas are first person (“we” feel this, “we” do that), while the fourth stanza suddenly switches.  Because of the way your poem is set up, I’d suggest doing third person for the entire “past” and first person for the “present.”  Your rhythm is inconsistant, but it’s hard to hear that when you’re the writer because you read it to yourself the way it sounds in your head.  If you’re going to do metered poetry, it’s usually best to find a fairly (not necessarily perfectly) consistant rhythm.  In the way of content, I like your subject.  I don’t think we spend as much time as we should putting ourselves in other’s shoes; especially the disciples.  We’re quick to say, “oh, Simon Peter was too arrogant, and Thomas was too doubtful,” but we forget how often we fall into the same traps as they.  I’m not sure I like the very last stanza; I generally don’t like poems that end in a question like that, but that may be a personal preference.  I think you’d actually be fine cutting it off at the “in sorrow so deep” line.  I could say more, but this is awfully long already.  If you want, feel free to drop me a line.  Good luck and take care!

I liked it, it was a good start.  I think my critism would be set the premise earlier on, let a reader know what your saying so they can get involved, an dont try to use words, just say what you have to say, cause I believe you have somethin to say but it didn’t come across to me very clear.  Keep writing!

-Noraa Ish

This has a great message.  I am a believer, and actually was raised pratically in private school.  This poem seems close to your heart.  Your questions though, are of eager understanding.  Faith, faith will show you the way to your unanswered questions.  Yes we may know the stories up and down, left to right…but faith, faith will guide you through your dark moments, that with hope and love. Again i will say great message…you showed your passions in this piece. Thank you for sharing.