Poetry / Emotionless (Analysis)

I found this piece beautiful. I really enjoyed the imagery. Well done.

I like it! It flows nicely and says so much with well-chosen words placed in just the right positions.

My only suggestion might be to take the comma out of the line, “It might show some pain, you see” if you mean “it might show some pain you can see.” Of course, you know what you want to say and how more than I could.

The images are great and strong here. “Kiss the falling rain, my love,” is especially lovely. I think the title is great.

You did what you set out to do, I believe. I enjoyed this very much!

McKinley

it seems like you care very much about this person and this is how ur trying to show it. its very short but not simple its actually very complex but only you could no the true meaning behind the story

I like the idea of this. Trying to provoke emotion with emotion? I like the irony of the title. I like the rhyme scheme and the simple statements they tell. I feel like this piece could almost say more with less. Broken picture, caress the delicate clouds.. I understand the imagery you’re trying to evoke but it tends to come accross predictable and ultimatley falls short. Try a bit more bolder wording in the future and I think the imagery and overall umph will come accross much stronger in future writings.

This is not emotionless but shows great but great hurt and bitterness. Emotions are any feelings, good or bad, or angry ones, this perhaps by a scorned lover. For he calls the despised woman, my love throughout, way to often. Or is it for effect, the sarcastic my love? But every action she makes toward an inanimate object, that object shows more response to her than out narrator ever will again. Obviously at one time he did show great response to her. What is missing in this poem is who is she and what is she to the narrator? And why does he hate her so? What has she done to him? We are told in dialogue form his feelings, but we are shown nothing and can’t identify with anything or anyone. How much better if we were given some substance to mull over or see or feel. Good beginning but needs more.

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September 14, 2008

by Robsyn

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1	88.5% (26 votes)	-10.0%

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22	F	United Kingdom	December 28

who said the narrator was male?
your assumption irritates me.
I’d also like to add that the poem needs nothing more. The simplicity means the feelings can be related to by any one who feels this way.
The title bloody stays as it is.
I have my own reasons for it.
Finie.

September 14, 2008

by Robsyn

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1	88.5% (26 votes)	-10.0%

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22	F	United Kingdom	December 28

who said the narrator was male?
your assumption irritates me.
I’d also like to add that the poem needs nothing more. The simplicity means the feelings can be related to by any one who feels this way.
The title bloody stays as it is.
I have my own reasons for it.
Finie.

September 14, 2008

by Robsyn

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1	88.5% (26 votes)	-10.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United Kingdom	December 28

who said the narrator was male?
your assumption irritates me.
I’d also like to add that the poem needs nothing more. The simplicity means the feelings can be related to by any one who feels this way.
The title bloody stays as it is.
I have my own reasons for it.
Finie.

September 14, 2008

by Robsyn

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
1	88.5% (26 votes)	-10.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
22	F	United Kingdom	December 28

who said the narrator was male?
your assumption irritates me.
I’d also like to add that the poem needs nothing more. The simplicity means the feelings can be related to by any one who feels this way.
The title bloody stays as it is.
I have my own reasons for it.
Finie.

September 15, 2008

by Willow_Wren

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2433	79.9% (804 votes)	28.8%

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63	F	Germantown, NY	March 19

wow, a little defensive are we? I used him, I could have used her, I didn’t want to write him/her throughout. Could be anyone, could be lesbians for all i care, two people in a relationship, calm down. Very courageous of you to say that this poem is perfect as if there is nothing you could add or detract from it to make it better. I don’t see so much applause from the gallery stating such, it’s a lovely poem, and I said as much but you obviously can only see the negative and have ignored the positive. Open your eyes sweet thing and learn how to take criticism that is helpful, not hurtful and you’ll someday become a better writer. And the poem is full of emotion, no matter how much you try to state it is lacking emotion.

September 16, 2008

by Robsyn

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1	88.5% (26 votes)	-10.0%

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22	F	United Kingdom	December 28

ever heard of irony? I know its an emotional poem.
I said nothing like the poem is perfect but it doesn’t need anything added.
Refinement maybe when I have the time but at the moment I’m happy in its simplicity.
I know how to take criticism. But I don’t want this to tell a full story.
The reader is to be allowed to come to their own conclusions.

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It certainly needs a more “emotional” title.  It is good but requires some attention.  It is a painful story unfolding from soft to harsh and terrible consequence in the end.

They could feel it as they pass by…consider changing “they could feel it” to something different which adds substance, maybe the end result of the “feeling”.
  
It responds more than I can do…This sentence needs changed as well.  It fouls up the flow of the piece which otherwise flows very well.

I love the ending and the entire meaning or message here.  I would like to see more descriptive words which can help to add texture and color to the piece.

Please let me know if you revise, I would lie to read it.  Thank you for the opportunity!

It felt like an oxymoron in a good way, a poem about being hurt without the hurt. A little breif for me to get a feel for your style and point. and it begs a question why is the writer trying to hurt someone they don’t care about…that is the aim of the poem is it not. not as emotionless as the title implies.

Emotionless, yet not quite. I thought the repetition of “my love” was a great touch. It’s almost a silent blessing – a wish of safety, when you are unable, or unwilling to do it yourself.
I can imagine a dark garden, silent and empty, with someone in the middle of it, saying these words.
It captures the heart, breaks it, and empties it out.

Great, clear, clever, to the point. Nice flow and skipping beat. Ah, the end, when the feelings are gone, but this would indicate they are not just gone, there is residual anger or it would not have been written.

Thanks.
Mary

Hi,
I read this poem and I understand the feeling you are trying to convey. I liked the outcome of this poem, and the refreshing newness of it. I rated this poem all eights with talent being a 10.

In line eight of this poem, I feel that you’re not projecting the right thought forward. Seems as though the line should read: ‘It’s responses are more than I can do.’ I also feel that problem again very strongly in the last sentence, so you might rework that one also, maybe in the same manor.

Enjoyed this poem and feel that one has to go though the rain sometimes, to walk in the sun.

Look forward to more of your writings.