Thanks for the pleasant comments.
I added a bit to the Reviewer’s Notes in order to clarify some of the mysterious bits: I realize now I left them murky and unexplored.
Short Story / Withdrawal
Richard gazed woefully out his third-story window, clutching an empty bottle of painkillers with a cold, clammy hand. The headaches had returned. ‘Cluster headaches’, his doctors called them, and untreatable. Richard, as a younger man, quivered when he heard his father passing a kidney stone, but swore today that he would give anything for that privilege. His thoughts turned painfully back to the depleted bottle in his hand. It was a constant reminder of his so-called addiction; that’s what his doctors called it. They didn’t blame him. Richard had a festering depression that had grown inside him like a sapling, slowly eating him alive. The pills were the only thing keeping him sane.
Oh dear Ophelia, how she had tried to save him. A chance encounter in a London bar over drinks and awful sandwiches had brought them together. Richard remembered every minute detail about the night. The soft hazel in her eyes, the waves in her hair that reminded him of the Channel. He pushed the thought from his mind. He couldn’t bear to think of Ophelia, not now.
Richard’s alarm clock went off. The smooth sounds of Huey Lewis filled the apartment, drawing the ire of this agitated tenant. The clock showed a minute past noon; nearly time for work. Richard’s job was at a local public hospital; the sort that the private institutions would send patients without insurance. It was mostly a thankless job. Richard, however, was not there for the fame.
Arriving at half past twelve, he drew a glare from the shift manager. Richard’s mind was not on punctuality. He made a bee-line for the pharmacy, his head still pounding from the pain. While knives relentlessly bore into his eye sockets, he turned to begin sweet-talking the woman at the counter. For a moment, the pain subsided. Richard’s mouth hung open. The woman politely asked if he needed something, but he was unresponsive. She had a striking resemblance to Ophelia, he thought. No, it was not just a resemblance. This was Ophelia herself. Richard swung around the counter and embraced Janice in his arms.
“I knew that you’d return, Ophelia,” he said, “I was always sure.”
Janice instinctively tried to push him away, finding the doctor’s grasp inescapable.
“I thought you were..” Richard stammered, unable to finish, “I thought..”
Gazing into her eyes, the realization struck him. The excitement in his eyes lapsed and his grip loosened, allowing the bewildered Janice to sneak away. Richard thought of the last time he had seen Ophelia. An unusually pleasant day in England; serene, even. When that black Lincoln pulled up in front of their home and the doorbell rang, she had offered to go answer the door. Richard watched through the window blinds. He saw the man in black at the door pull away his coat to reveal a pistol; a Glock Parabellum. He saw Ophelia thrown to the grass, wet and uncompromising. Surely she would be troubled by her ruined dress. He watched the gun come out of the jacket and he heard a shrill blast ring out. He remembered it as if he had been the very one to pull the trigger.
Richard began to sob. Ignoring the colleagues that had begun to congregate around him, he made his way to the roof access. Each step felt like an eternity. Richard could not bear to spend an eternity with the knowledge that he now had. The pills had not been the only thing keeping him sane after all. They were the thing keeping him insane. He doubled over heaving as he climbed, spewing spittle on the handrail. The door at the top of the staircase beckoned him. As he unlatched the lock, a realization came upon him. This was the second to last door he would ever pass through. Richard straddled the edge of the building. A smile escaped him. He was awake.
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avedis reviewed Version 3 -
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PrincesswriterC reviewed Version 3 -
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I liked the story till afterward I read your notes, and yes you are right that you did not clearly portray his condition, and that he killed this woman.
There were not many errors in your story at all.
Bee-line > should be > Beeline
Surely should have a comma after it > Surely, she would be troubled…
I look forward to your revised version. I’d like to see how you connect the story.
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strawberrydragongirl reviewed Version 2 -
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I found this story quite appealing. Many of us have skeletons in our closet and Richard not being able to save his love made him go insane. I definitely would publish this. Great job
robbt reviewed Version 2 -
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Overall the story has some interesting points but it lacks enough character development to give the drama meaning. The addiction to pain killers is pretty ambiguous and the part where the doctor’s don’t blame him left me confused about the character. I did like the metaphor about the sapling though.
The introduction of Ophelia left me kind of dry, there wasn’t enough history to give her meaning. The memory of the bar and meeting her wasn’t tied enough to a more lasting importance, if she was his lover did they plan on marrying, or what did they do together other than meet. This could be developed further to give the rest meaning, it needs more narrative to be effective in my opinion.
The part at the hospital was dramatic and interesting and if put into more of a developing story line it would be effective. It felt as if you just wanted to run away from the story at the end as he jumped out the window, and like you said when reviewing it I had no idea what his final memory about Ophelia meant. I thought perhaps he saw her get killed vs. doing the killing. Either way without some kind of history as to why he may have killed her it didn’t really touch me emotionally.
I would just try to develop the characters a little bit more and further slow down the plot so that it makes more sense.
Snipj760 reviewed Version 2 -
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You write very well for 15.Continue to write….I would not be surprised to see you published someday.
AlexSDS reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a pretty solid piece here. It’s nice, short and concise and gets to the point.
You keep the reader engaged here, and the pace is pretty fast. You give a lot of details to really paint the scenes and characters.
The only part I would have liked to hear more about is when Opehlia is shot. You left it fairly mysterious and maybe that was your intent.
Keep it up.
southernbaroque reviewed Version 2 -
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You definately have talent worth shaping. I was a little confused at the whole kidney stone analogy in the first paragraph. I suspect that you are relating the narrator’s problem to passing a kidney stone, but it doesn’t seem clear to me.
albamuth reviewed Version 2 -
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Here’s questions that occurred to me as I was reading:
Q1: What is the Channel? (I know, English Channel, but from what context does he make this comparison? Is his 3rd-story window close to the channel?
Q2:What’s so great about Ophelia? Just her hair and eyes?
Q3: What is Richard’s job? (providing a title would make it more believable)
Q4: Richard’s a doctor? (“Janice instinctively tried to push him away, finding the doctor’s grasp inescapable.”) Something in the language earlier doesn’t clue us into that.
Q5: Why mention “surely she would be troubled by her ruined dress” in the middle of such other, more immediate drama? (clean up the order in which he notices things about that scene)
Q6: Why does he know that it’s a “Glock Parabellum?” (yes, I know it’s 3rd person, but throwing in a brand name in a narrative that’s so close to the character makes the reader think that he’s identifying it for us)
Q7: Doesn’t he have any friends at work? What are they saying to him?
Things that were working well:
– the prose is well-crafted, there’s no language issues.
– the movement is logical, the pace is quick
Things that bothered me:
– suicide-endings are cliche’.
– there’s very little interaction with the outside world: the narrative is close to Richard, so close that the rest of the world is hazy and unclear.
– the business with the shooting is so strange that it needs to be explored further, otherwise it’s just bizarre and meaningless.
Suggestions for rewrite:
1. Slow down each scene by adding more details, more flashback, more dialogue, whatever. It’s too fast in the parts when it needs to be slower. The parts that need quickness are fine. It needs to be at least 1500 words to be considered a short story. Don’t just add things to add things – think of some things that the reader might want to know about the characters, e.g. where the house is located, what the Channel looks like from there, more of what happened when Richard and Ophelia met, more of who shot Ophelia and why (that sounds like a whole story in itself), more of what happened right after the shooting (Richard’s a doctor, right? didn’t he try to save her?)
2. Reconsider some of the choices you’ve made and if you’re able to pull it off. For instance, can you convince the reader that Richard is a doctor? That takes a lot of detail. If you chose a less technical profession – perhaps an intern or a security guard at the hospital – you may have an easier time convincing the reader. The other choice – the method of Ophelia’s death – is also problematic, because it seems like a scene out of a police drama. If she died in a less far-fetched way, like by traffic accident or disease, it would be more believable and not open a whole can of worms.
3. Take it further: overall, I think you have a good start – the story shouldn’t end with Richard’s suicide, though. There can be plenty more after that, plenty of intrigue and so forth. Does someone come up and talk him down? What’s going on with his mind (is it insanity?) What was so great about Ophelia? Don’t just add to the end, add to the beginning, and the middle.
I’m giving you a 2, because it seems you’ve written only 20% of this story. (the ranking system is dubious, so do NOT be discouraged by this, or even care about the ranking). It’s a good start, though, so please finish it!
Emily_Rose_Love reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow, your lead into the story is really good, I was captivated right away. The story is very good for only fifteen. The end is left hanging; in some situations this is a good way to end th story, but in this one I think it would be better to perhaps go on a little farther, and then end it, just make it a little more thrilling.
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