Poetry / Bottom Line Dance (Analysis)
THE BOTTOM LINE Dance
For Rochelle Brener
By SHOTSIE GORMAN
“Because of time constraints,
you have just 12 Minutes,” she said
So there are 720 seconds, I considered
To say what I feel.
To say,” it’s OK, I’ll be there for you.
It’s not your fault.
Yes, I understand your suffering.
I see the beauty.
I feel it too.”
I can’t help but wonder,
is there time enough to run my fingers
down your collective spines?
To draw on your backs a talisman of words.
A place of deep dark red,
of salted memory stained by time.
This!
This is our time together.
I will paint a picture of my soul.
In it you will find yours.
They are one.
So easy to recognize.
If you take the time to do so.
I could distract you, say with, Kundilini
or bowling, maybe some prestidigitation.
Perhaps with a pension and heath insurance
The bottom line dance.
Or I could make a refrain to other great poets .
But then it would seem, I’d just be name-dropping to show
off what I have read.
Although, to really know what it is you have,
you to have,
only 12 minutes to say it.
What is it? You say.
What is it, you know, that I don’t?
What’s he on about?
You see, there in, lies the rub of it.
It’s the light bulb, you are the moth
and I have my hand on the switch.
There, in that chill you have found the secret.
Not to name it!
Not to write it down.
For if you call attention to it, it changes.
Call it love, it becomes control.
Call it desire, it becomes violence.
call it will, it becomes obsession.
Call it poetry, it becomes leaden.
Can you feel this design growing on your back,
in your mind?
Just as you think, I know what we are making,
I know what he means.
It passes on through the veil, just beyond
your knowledge, your memory, your senses.
720 seconds,
Do you smell them, burning up?
Small fiery electrons
passing through us.
Time enough to say:
I hear your wounded sound.
Give the pain to me, I will take it.
I will let it pass,
through my heart.
I will
love you.
Say it now!
Just in time
for the last breath.
Now 6, 5
Now 4, 3
Now 2, 1
It’s the bottom line, hon…
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Very nice. I really enjoyed the style and the flow. It wasn’t hard to read at all. At the risk of sounding cliche, it was very romantic. Sorry for your loss.
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The double spacing throws me off because my brain pauses instinctually between the lines. I don’t know if you intended this pause, but I feel it there.
Also I notice there are some ideas that are good, but unclear because I can’t picture them. If you do use straight thoughts without imagery you have to be careful. It’s okay to use them, but imagery helps make the words even stronger.
“I will paint a picture of my soul.”-What does this look like?
Ask youself questions when you feel that your emotions are unclear.
Unique formatting definitely holds my attention. For some reason though it seemed as if you were speaking to the departed rather than the congregation that had gathered for a farewell. The entire piece is in the present tense and “you” is used often as if you were giving your last words while kneeling in front of your friend in the casket. Otherwise, I think you did an excellent job in letting through some of your grief but not too much because you are still in denial before this friend of yours is buried.
“For if you call attention to it, it changes.
Call it love, it becomes control.
Call it desire, it becomes violence.
call it will, it becomes obsession.”
That was by far my favorite part in this piece. You speak very truthfully.
The sentiment is there, the follow through not so much, there is so much lost not only in the organization, but just the story, it is at times every labored, and in the end the conclusion seems out of nowhere, there is no lead in to it. There are so many images out of place and share no unity. Almost seems like you are searching for words to fill in 720 seconds, and not really the elegy you wish it would be. Maybe that is the point, but oh well, I missed it.
“A place of deep dark red,
of salted memory stained by time.” “stained by time” perfect.
“Perhaps with a pension and heath insurance” -health* simple surface error. no big deal.
“Not to name it!
Not to write it down.
For if you call attention to it, it changes.” -this line gave me chills. beautifully executed.
the countdown towards the end made my heart beat faster. this poem invokes monumental amounts of emotion. just as poetry should.
“bottom line dance” i could not have fathomed a better name for this piece. utterly amazing and blew me away, especially with it’s background. my heart goes out to you and your friend, and this dance. god bless.
Pure emotion. Beautiful. I love the repetition of “call it love, call it desire, ...” and especially those few ending lines. Very appropriate and very well done. Your friend would be proud, I’m sure.
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