who said the narrator was male?
your assumption irritates me.
I’d also like to add that the poem needs nothing more. The simplicity means the feelings can be related to by any one who feels this way.
The title bloody stays as it is.
I have my own reasons for it.
Finie.
Poetry / Emotionless (Analysis)
Howl at the shining moon, my love,
It hears you better than I.
Caress the delicate clouds, my love,
They could feel it as they pass by.
Cry in the face of danger, my love,
It feels deeper concern for you.
Kiss the falling rain, my love,
It responds more than I can do.
Scream at a broken picture, my love,
It might show some pain, you see.
Walk out on an empty room, my love,
It will call you back before me.
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poetress reviewed Version 2 -
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I like the idea of this. Trying to provoke emotion with emotion? I like the irony of the title. I like the rhyme scheme and the simple statements they tell. I feel like this piece could almost say more with less. Broken picture, caress the delicate clouds.. I understand the imagery you’re trying to evoke but it tends to come accross predictable and ultimatley falls short. Try a bit more bolder wording in the future and I think the imagery and overall umph will come accross much stronger in future writings.
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Willow_Wren reviewed Version 2 -
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This is not emotionless but shows great but great hurt and bitterness. Emotions are any feelings, good or bad, or angry ones, this perhaps by a scorned lover. For he calls the despised woman, my love throughout, way to often. Or is it for effect, the sarcastic my love? But every action she makes toward an inanimate object, that object shows more response to her than out narrator ever will again. Obviously at one time he did show great response to her. What is missing in this poem is who is she and what is she to the narrator? And why does he hate her so? What has she done to him? We are told in dialogue form his feelings, but we are shown nothing and can’t identify with anything or anyone. How much better if we were given some substance to mull over or see or feel. Good beginning but needs more.
sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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It certainly needs a more “emotional” title. It is good but requires some attention. It is a painful story unfolding from soft to harsh and terrible consequence in the end.
They could feel it as they pass by…consider changing “they could feel it” to something different which adds substance, maybe the end result of the “feeling”.
It responds more than I can do…This sentence needs changed as well. It fouls up the flow of the piece which otherwise flows very well.
I love the ending and the entire meaning or message here. I would like to see more descriptive words which can help to add texture and color to the piece.
Please let me know if you revise, I would lie to read it. Thank you for the opportunity!
MissChris reviewed Version 2 -
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It felt like an oxymoron in a good way, a poem about being hurt without the hurt. A little breif for me to get a feel for your style and point. and it begs a question why is the writer trying to hurt someone they don’t care about…that is the aim of the poem is it not. not as emotionless as the title implies.
Fizz_e_o reviewed Version 2 -
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Emotionless, yet not quite. I thought the repetition of “my love” was a great touch. It’s almost a silent blessing – a wish of safety, when you are unable, or unwilling to do it yourself.
I can imagine a dark garden, silent and empty, with someone in the middle of it, saying these words.
It captures the heart, breaks it, and empties it out.
marebarr reviewed Version 2 -
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Great, clear, clever, to the point. Nice flow and skipping beat. Ah, the end, when the feelings are gone, but this would indicate they are not just gone, there is residual anger or it would not have been written.
Thanks.
Mary
guild reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi,
I read this poem and I understand the feeling you are trying to convey. I liked the outcome of this poem, and the refreshing newness of it. I rated this poem all eights with talent being a 10.
In line eight of this poem, I feel that you’re not projecting the right thought forward. Seems as though the line should read: ‘It’s responses are more than I can do.’ I also feel that problem again very strongly in the last sentence, so you might rework that one also, maybe in the same manor.
Enjoyed this poem and feel that one has to go though the rain sometimes, to walk in the sun.
Look forward to more of your writings.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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I don’t mind much for titles unless it makes or breaks a piece, which is rare. Whoever writes something can name it whatever they please. Poetry is for the writer first, then for anyone else who wants to give it time. The writer knows why and the readers can only wonder/guess/interpret/apply.
I must have missed the first version of this, but I thought this read very smooth. The structure and rhyme scheme came off as solid to me.
I did wonder how one can walk out on an empty room…You could say,
“Walk into an empty room, my love” to make it clearer.
Melaina reviewed Version 2 -
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I loved this poem. it’s so thoughtful, and I love how you compare all these feelings with all the objects and how even they would feel more than this other person in the poem. I must say when I first started reading I really wasn’t quite getting the point of the poem, but as you go on it makes more and more sense. I really wonder what inspired you to write a piece like this. I wouldn’t have been able to come up with anything like this myself. Congratulation, you should definately get this published someday.
BigMama reviewed Version 2 -
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Emotionless?
Wrong title for this poem. This poem is full of emotion and I feel it. I really enjoyed it, it spoke to me.
As I am going through a loss, several of them in fact.
Thanks for this, it was purely enjoyable.
Continued success.
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