It’s a play by Samuel Beckett. That it’s still funny out of context is relieving, thanks.
Stage Play / Tales of the Mob: HItmen
Valin: If he does not come in seven minutes, we will kill him.
Eduardo: Why seven minutes, if I may ask?
Valin: You may, I suppose, as we are otherwise unoccupied with waiting for him.
Eduardo: Well?
V: What?
E: Why seven minutes?
V: I’m not sure really, but I feel that any longer than seven minutes is much too long to wait for a man, particularly the man we are waiting for, and any less than seven minutes wouldn’t be giving him a fair chance. It is his life, after all. Don’t you think he deserves a fair chance?
E: Oh yes, I agree. Do you know him?
V: What?
E: You said ‘ particularly the man we are waiting for.’ Do you know him?
V: Him? Oh, no.
E: Oh. What time is it?
V 7:42.
E: So.. 7:49 then?
V: 7:49 what?
E: We kill him.
V: Yes of course.
E: Do you think it’s been a minute since you said ‘If he does not come in seven minutes, we will kill him?’
V: I don’t know. I didn’t check my watch.
E: Well, if it has been, which is possible, as I’m sure any reasonable man could reason, then what should we do? What I mean is, do we kill him at 7:49 or a minute sooner?
V: You mean if he hasn’t arrived?
E: Yes.
V: I see your point. That is a problem. Clearly the kindest thing to do would be to kill him at 7:49, as we are not entirely certain of the timing and it would not do to deny him the benefit of our doubt. However, prolonging his life may propagate the wrong impression, and we may gain a reputation as soft, second-rate hit men.
E: The establishment would not be proud.
V: No. And it is to the establishment that we owe our lives.
E: Do we now?
V: Yes.
E: I see. What time is it?
V: 7:47.
E: 7:47.
V: Let us put the matter to vote. If you wish to show mercy and give the fellow an extra minute, raise your hand.
Eduardo raises his hand.
V: Right. Well I for one like my job, and therefore I vote to kill him now.
E: It is not time.
V: Here’s my watch. Tell me when it is.
E: …Now.
V: Thank you. Would you care to help me?
E: Help you kill him?
V: Of course.
E: Alright.
V: Where is he?
E: He is not here yet.
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Jessica42 reviewed Version 1 -
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VacuolateTuna reviewed Version 1 -
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Creeze reviewed Version 1 -
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Nice piece of writing. I rather enjoyed it. I would prefer it longer of course if it would be used on stage, but a great beginning (I know… It’s complete). It does leave me wanting more.
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goldenrose reviewed Version 1 -
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Ha ha. This would do well in the humour section as well. Sounds a bit like laurel and hardy :-). Not too many stage directions which made it easier to read, though presented on stage you could do with a few more actions along with the speech.
the_antagonist reviewed Version 1 -
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I have no idea what you are parodying, but it is hilarious nonetheless. There’s nothing else to really comment on.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 1 -
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Brilliant. I was waiting for this to trip up and, at the last, fail. It didn’t, and it didn’t. Beautiful ending. Beckett would be proud of you. You understand. If there were a 12, I would have given it to this work. I also applaud you with not making it longer, in the same fashion as old time comics who pull down the shade and have to do it repeatedly when it keeps rolling up, boring the hell out of us. This is where I thought you’d trip up. You didn’t. And, of course, the ending couldn’t have been better, since all the dialogue was funneled in that direction. That is not to say that it was predictable. You were pretty clever at avoiding giving the climax away. Someday, a person just like you will be reading your more mature work and growing in his abilities as a result.
aquaruischick reviewed Version 1 -
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I am a little confused with this play? Who are the charactes exaclty? Who are they waiting for and to kill him or her for what? GIve details of the settings and your characters. What does Valin and edourdo look like? THis piece is ok but has no storyline. It is hard to follow.
i_luv_da_lah reviewed Version 1 -
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you should work on your format when drafting your stageplays. including the director’s action is a must. in regards to your dialogue, i assume that this play is on a comedic style, which made me want to read more. specifically how the two will possibly botch the hit. continue to work on this. it reads well, but it was the format that lost me
placidchaos reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the verbal battle between these two, but I would say it is less “Waiting for Godot” and more Monty Python. I guess this would make a good satirical version of “Godot”. I could see Eric Idles and John Cleese doing these lines.
Good work. Keep writing. By the way it took seven minutes to write this review. Why seven minutes? I don’t know.
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