Poetry / The Fight, no winner (Analysis)

I thought the idea for this piece was a good one, however, I didn’t feel any emotional attachment to it.  The part about the fallen tears from the children was the only part I felt anything about.  I would just work on imagery a bit…it would help to convey the emotion better.  Good job though!

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April 24, 2008

by WishingGirl333

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18	F	Western Springs, IL	February 07

Even thought normaly I would have put more imagedry in this peice I wanted to leave it simple. I wrote this about losing someone who was beyond important to me and an amazing mentor and about all the peoples lives who he had influanced. As well as how his absense had affected all of us.

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This is a nice poem for someone of 17 years.  Better than what I was putting out at that age.  I take it to be a spiritual poem.  It smacks of discontent with the world, the perseverance of the Christian in his (or her) fight to remain faithful and steadfast until the appointed day.

Reading this very unique poem I find myself totally being able to be in the poem as its read. I also find that these words “The fallen tears of the young ones way upon my heavy heart” it just shows how much this sentence can bring to ones self of knowing the tears and all. I see areas that could so much be more putting youself into the poem to expand how you feel about whats going on in life and seeing things that can hurt others emotionally. But over all I see it as a good piece of work.

wonderful. Perhaps if you used a bit more punctuation it would read with the emphasis where you want it. maybe identifying him… as a way to add to the length.

I really like this. :] I wrote a piece similar to it when my whole family resembeled WW3. You did a very good job conveying emotions and ideas. I especially like the line, “The fallen tears of the young ones way upon my heavy heart”.

I think this has potential, a few suggestions though:

You might just end the poem with “The fight isn’t over,” and leave out the last two lines.  I think it’d be more powerful because the reader already senses that the person will be better off once the fight ends.

I can feel the writer’s frustration and anger (at the situation).  However…
Although strong personal feelings and emotion can provide the necessary inspiration required for the beginning of a great work, I believe, they need to be carefully controlled and harnessed.  This poem lacked organic growth.  There are just too many feelings and ideas being pieced together in a somewhat arbitrary manner.  Also, did you mean ‘weight’ rather than ‘way’ (upon my heart)?

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March 28, 2008

by WishingGirl333

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	62.5% (16 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
18	F	Western Springs, IL	February 07

Thanks, yeah it was writen with a gusto of passion
And of the “way”, it was supposed to be weigh
Wrong word..oops

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