Humor/Satire / Application (Analysis)
”Step 14: Please Submit Any Personally Owned Pets to the Admissions Office at Northwestern University.” Very well, Michael thought. He grabbed his cat, Bagheera, put him into a brown box, cut some holes in the box, and taped it shut. He would address it later.
Step 15: Please Submit Urine Sample. The page had a colored bar, and below it, the label “urine must be this yellow to be accepted”. Michael went into the bathroom and peed into a jar. It looked yellow enough. He put a lid on his urine and went back to his computer.
Step 16: Please describe any relevant metaphysical beliefs that you hold at this time. Michael was confused. What on Earth was this for? Michael found the phone number of the admissions office and dialed it. A middle-aged-sounding woman answered.
“Northwestern Admissions, may I help you?”
“Yes, I’m wondering about step 16 of my application. It’s asking me to talk abou-”
“I’m sorry, your voice does not meet out our smoothness and vibrancy standards. Please do not apply.”
The woman hung up. Michael was shocked. He had wanted to go to Northwestern all his life. Not knowing what to do, he took out his glass of urine and poured it in the toilet. He grabbed a pair of scissors and let his cat out of the box.
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