Thanks kingtaj – I’m glad you liked it.
Be well,
Semper
Poetry / Sometimes (Analysis)
Sometimes, I lie awake at night.
The lights are on, and it gets very quiet.
I think about September 18, 1989, and die.
Then I think about May 11, 1990.
And I wonder what it would have been like for her.
How long it would have taken,
And how much pain she would have been in.
Then, I think about you.
Your blonde hair and blue eyes,
Or maybe brown, but probably blue.
And I think about what it would have been like,
for her, me, and for you.
Then I think about May 11, 1992.
You’d have had a strong personality by then.
And I think about your smile,
and mine as I saw it.
I know it would have meant everything to me.
And on May 11, 1997,
You’d have been seven;
and I wonder what sports you’d have liked.
Or, maybe you’d have liked books,
and written wonderful, marvelous things.
Then, on May 11, 2012,
you’d have been my age.
And I wonder what you would have done,
on September 18, 1989.
What you would have said,
when she came to you.
I wonder if you’d struggle, years later,
with the possibility
that you could have talked her out of it.
Knowing that by not doing so,
you did what was right,
but regretting
every
moment
of
it.
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purpilmoon reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this piece but I’m a little confused about the transition from the past to the future. it feels like the point of view is changed. i think.
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the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
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This has a meandering procession which feels like a painful stroll down memory lane. The dates were tangible moments in the past that are immediately speculated on, wondering what memories would exist if one moment had gone differently. It really illustrates the simplicity of a decision leading to a complex series of changes, which is what makes this vibrate with emotion; it’s a lost conversation with somebody who breaks the writers heart by simply not being. Very touching piece, and well worth the read for anybody who’s been in a similar situation and questioned the way it played out. Nicely done.
kingtaj reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a very touching piece. I thought the dates were a fascinating element and brought specificity to the tragedy of the events. They also turn the poem into a piece about time and about sequence. Melancholic.
Arkaidy reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow I actually do like this a lot. It is very strong and emotional. It needs some editorial work like any piece, but the foundation is there.
I am a little confused as to who “her” is, and what the writers relationship to “her” is.
I like that you ask questions in this piece, not only about “her” but the “what might have been”
It really makes one take a deeper look into this, especially since it is written from this perspective, a sort of looker-on.
“And I wonder what it would have been like for her.
How long it would have taken,
And how much pain she would have been in.”
and i also like that each stanza explores a different time frame in this, and grows with the piece. The repetition although heavy at hte beginning settles well into it.
I would encourage you to just read this a few time out-loud and see where editorial corrections can be made.
Wonderful exploration, good job overall. I give it a strong 7.
monchingarat reviewed Version 2 -
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I felt like crying the whole time I read… I’m glad to see you can release your emotion in your writing… Very hard core , yet beautiful. it’s like what I would write in my music. Very powerful , you have a real gift!
blueeyes reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow that was definitely some heavy subject matter, I’m sorry I don’t have any constructive critisism I thought it was really good
snowflakesofwarmth reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow! A simple way of expressing the consequences of our actions, wondering what may have been if we had made different decisions, and portraying another side to a commonly-told story. This was lovely.
Sean_Allen reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked a vast majority of the poem because it wasn’t gimmicky. It was pretty straightforward in its presentation, and didn’t really mess around much with rhyme, which I liked. However, I felt that the last stanza sort of degenerated for me. Breaking down the last few lines into one word per line is sort of too much really; I think it detracts from the rest of the poem by sort of hitting it home too hard. Most of the poem is this sort of lucid and ambulatory thought process, and it’s very fluid, but the ending is formated in a choppy manner. Leave it like the rest! I mean, the poem was working fine without any sort of gimmick.
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