“I was five years old when my parents took me to my first piano lesson. I was as excited as any five year old could get about something. My parents really worked hard for the money to pay for my lessons each month, often going without so that I might continue learning. In third grade I picked up the violin for the first time. I played it with nearly as much passion as I did the piano. My music teachers saw in me great potential and guided me well as I grew in my skill. My teachers and parents built in me the desire to go to Juilliard, your school, after high school. Attaining Juilliard became my focus in life. I had few friends in high school because I spent every moment practicing the piano and violin, and, at times, composing my own music. I ask to be accepted into Juilliard and ask that you, the viewers, think long and hard about accepting me. I have a passion for music that equals any of your own as well as many years of musical experience. I thank you for your time and consideration.”
I stepped away from my seat and turned off the video camera. I played back my recording. It was the sixth time I had recorded my self-interview for Juilliard and I would have to be satisfied with this one.
“You know if you don’t go with this one I am going to lock you in the bathroom and send it in for you. You have spent a week rerecording your interview and they all have been just fine. I’m beginning to think you just like to watch yourself on TV.” Brad sat in his customary spot, my big fluffy brown chair, as he threatened me. I glared at him as I leaned back into the couch.
“I know, I know, I just can’t help but feel as if I’m doing it all wrong.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes before stretching. I shook my mop of black hair from my eyes. “I guess I can’t sit around here or I will be late for work. Diana hates it when I’m late. For it being her dream job she sure doesn’t stick around the coffee shop very long.” I gave Brad a knowing smile.
“Hey, I can’t help it if she is struck by my maddeningly good looks and my irresistible charm,” he joked, puffing out his chest. We laughed together as we gathered up our jackets from the couch before we headed out into the wet blustery Oregon weather. I paused at the top of the landing to lock my apartment door before following Brad down to the parking lot.
“Do you want to work for Diana Saturday night?” Brad asked as we wound through the busy streets of Portland. I raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Well,” he paused, “I have reservations for McCormick and Schmick’s for Diana and me.” I waited for him to continue even though I was positive I knew what was happening. That place was a very expensive restaurant and Brad could never afford to go there for just any reason. He glared at me. “Fine, I’ll just say it. I am going to ask Diana to marry me and I need your bloody backside to cover her shift.” I laughed. Whenever Brad was overly frustrated or anxious he would slip back into his British accent.
“That’s great Brad, I’m excited for you. Of course I’ll cover her shift. I could use the extra cash anyway.” The rest of the ride was filled with excited chatter of the coming proposal.
Saturday evenings at Cornerstone were busy with many college students studying and visiting over coffee. Often during Saturday nights I would play on the old upright piano we had in the corner while James, my co-worker, ran the counters. If it got too busy I would rescue him and help him out, but playing here was good practice.
I was taking two coffee orders to a customer’s table when I bumped into someone, knocking some books out of his hand. I set the cups down on the customer’s table and turned to apologize. “I’m sorry, I guess I was not paying attention to where I was going. Are you alright?”
“Oh yeah, I’m okay. I wasn’t paying attention either,” the blonde replied. He looked to be about my age, twenty or so, with an athletic build about him. “Name’s Luke,” he offered me his hand. “Damien,” I shook his hand, “sorry about that.” He went on his way and I went back to work.
A week later I stood on the street corner down by the riverside playing my violin. This was a good spot to ply my trade as there were dozens of little shops, art galleries, clubs and near the river. People wandered all over the place in couples, large groups as well as singles prowling for tonight’s new partner. I had not been playing long when a deep voice spoke up behind me. “Mind if I join you?” I turned around and there was Luke with a guitar hanging around his neck.
“Hey, no I don’t mind, the more the merrier.”
“You sound pretty good.” Luke came up beside me.
I nodded. “Played since I was eight. How about you?”
He shrugged. “I’ve played for about eleven years; don’t know if I’m any good or not.” I decided to put him to the test and started playing a random melody. I got lost in the playing and music, the notes ringing off the violin as if by their own accord, a lively tune which had no name filling the night air. Luke stood there watching me for a minute with a thoughtful look on his face. He nodded, hoisted his guitar, and started strumming away matching my melody with his harmony. We went at it, violin moaning and trilling through the guitar’s steady beat. My hat began to fill with cash and coin quickly as people gathered around us. Some people began dancing as if the very music tugged at their feet. We went on like that throughout the whole evening playing whatever tugged at our fingers. Sometimes Luke would take the melody and run with it, his fingers flying over the guitar neck, my bow floating across strings following after the guitar’s music with its own.
Eventually exhaustion caught up to us as the streets began to empty. I smiled over at Luke. He laughed at me. “That was fun huh? I didn’t know I had it in me.”
“Neither did I. I haven’t had that much fun in what seems like years.” I laughed for what seemed the millionth time of the night. Kneeling down I gently put my violin and bow away. “You play down here often?”
“No, not really,” Luke shook his head, “I come down on occasion, but never has it been that much fun.” I picked up my hat and began sifting through the cash. There was one hundred twenty dollars. I was shocked. I counted out half of it and handed it over to Luke.
“No, you keep it. I don’t need it. I just came down here for the fun of it,” Luke waved away the money. “Besides, you probably need it more than I do.”
“That’s not fair to you; you worked just as hard for this as I did. Hell, I never get more than fifty bucks out of a night and this is more than double that,” I tried to press the money on him, but he just backed away shaking his head.
“Nope, won’t take it. Maybe I’ll see you around again. I’ll be here again next week I think. Playing on the streets seems to be more fun than I remember,” he said with a wink and walked off. “See you later Damien, was good to see you again.”
I stood there waving as he walked off down the quieting streets. The wind tugged at my jacket reminding me of the cold weather and my frozen fingers. I stuffed the assortment of bills into my pants pocket, placed my cap on my head, gathered my violin and headed home.
I sat at a table talking to Luke. It was the middle of the afternoon so business was slow giving me a chance to visit. After that second weekend of playing together on the streets Luke and I had gotten together to hangout and talk about our lives and hobbies and had continued to do so.
“Have you heard back from Juilliard yet?” Luke moved one of his knights. I glared at the chess board. It was my idea to play as we chitchatted, but now I was regretting it as I looked at all his pieces and the bare handful I had left.
“No, not yet. I probably won’t hear for several more weeks. They get tons of application videos and only a few are accepted.” I moved a bishop in front of my king, protecting it from his queen. Luke moved his knight again, “Checkmate. You lose.” I swore under my breath, “I don’t know why I even suggested this game. I lose every time.” He just shrugged innocently at me. Someone walked in the door and was headed towards the counter. I walk over to and around the counter, re-adjusting my apron.
As I helped the customer I kept glancing at Luke. I don’t know why, but I felt weird every time I looked at him. I smiled as I handed the lady her coffee and rang up her change. “Thank you for coming to Cornerstone,” I said as I handed over her change. “Have a great day,” I smiled. Luke stood up to leave. I waved bye as more customers came in. I have been working too hard; I kept getting jittery and lightheaded. That had to be it. I smiled as the next customer placed his order.
Two weeks
I sat playing the piano after we locked up. Diana was wiping down the counter while Brad talked to her. I pounded away happily on the piano playing a classical piece, Barcarolle by Mikhail Glinka. I let my fingers dance across the keys in arpeggios, triplets, chords and scales filling the little shop with music. I closed my eyes as I played letting my fingers find their own way across the old ivory keys. I was in the middle of the main body of the song, lost in a blissful world, when a hand dropped on my shoulder. “Hey Damien,” Luke’s voice pulled me from my little world.
“Hey, you scared me,” I greeted as I stood up. “What are you doing here? I thought you had some top dog business meeting with those sub-whatevers.” I walked over to the counter and grabbed a wash rag and proceeded to wipe off the tables. I placed the chairs where they belonged, wiping some crumbs from a sandwich onto the floor to sweep up later.
“We finished early,” he said. Luke followed me as I moved to another table. He was quiet as I moved around setting chairs back into place and wiping down table tops. I glanced at him and smiled. He brushed his blonde bangs out of his face and gave me nervous smile. I wonder what is wrong with him tonight, I thought as I wiped up spilled coffee.
“Did I do something?” I asked, the silence finally breaking me. I glanced over at Brad and Diana who was Windexing the sandwich case while Brad was oblivious to our conversation in his conversation with his new fiancé.
“No, why would you say that?” his voice quivered a little. He shook his head after a moment. “Can we go for a walk by the river and talk when you are done here?” he asked. I stared at him, I could feel my pulse quicken as nervousness began to set in.
“Yeah, of course, I’m almost done.” He nodded and walked over to sit at a table near the front windows. I walked back over to the counter and dropped my rag in the bucket of bleach water.
“Hey,” Diana said, “what’s wrong with Luke?” I shrugged. I had no answer. “I have a feeling of dread building up in me though.” I said after Brad left us to use the bathroom. “What if he doesn’t want to be around me anymore? I don’t know if I can handle that.” Diana glanced at me with a puzzled look. Her gaze darted over to Luke, who was staring at his hands, before it came to rest on me again. I misunderstood her gaze. “It’s not like I’m replacing Brad. We have been best friends forever. I just…” I sighed, “I guess I don’t really know what I am trying to say.” Brad’s girlfriend choked back a laugh. “What? How is this funny? I don’t even know why I said anything,” I started to storm into the back storage room, but she grabbed my arm, stopping me. I looked into her eyes sparkling with amusement.
“I’m sorry Damien. I shouldn’t have laughed at you. This is definitely not funny.” She shook her head aggressively in mocking manner. I knew she was going to say something I did not want to hear. “The Damien, he who has no room to love anything other than his music has finally fallen in love!” she shouted under her breath. I could feel the blood pale from my face as I shook my head in rejection.
“Are you mad?! He’s a-a-…he’s a he!” I stuttered. “That’s just freaking wrong,” I denied her. “We’re just good friends, that’s it. I am not gay. You’ve known me for a couple years now, what in the world makes you think I would be that way?” I could not stop myself; the words just tumbled out of my mouth. Diana opened her mouth to say something, but I cut her off. “I’ll prove it to you. He wants to go for a walk because he wants to talk. I’ll prove to you neither of us feels that way about the other.” I shut my mouth with a click, my nostrils flaring.
“You just look into yourself. You’ll find out what I mean. You know it is true, don’t deny Luke or yourself your heart. I’ve watched you two for the last two months. It’s true and you know it.” She looked behind me and smiled, “Hey you, looks like we’re done here. Ready to go?” Brad stepped past me. “Yes I am,” he said and kissed her. Diana picked up her coat and started to leave, arm wrapped around Brad. She turned and looked at me, “Bye, Damien. Remember what I said.”
We walked down the broad sidewalk that paralleled the river. I could hear laughter from the clubs down the street. The water reflected the light of the lamps along the path as well as the silvery shine of the moon. I could hear the water lapping at the edges of the riverbank’s scattered rocks. I glanced into the sky looking for stars but found nothing in the haze of the city lights. I drew in a deep breath. The air was tinged with the smell of the city; car exhaust, restaurants, and clubs. Up ahead of us was a group of people laughing and goofing around in the grass, the occasional curse drifting over on the breeze.
I watched Luke out of the corner of my eye. He walked beside me quietly, his face scrunched as he struggled with something in his mind. I smiled as I noticed how the light of the moon shadowed his face and reflected off his blonde hair. A shiver ran up my spine as I realized what I was doing. I looked away, out towards the street. “…don’t deny Luke or yourself your heart,” Diana’s voice echoed inside my mind. My mind drifted back over the last two months, to that first night Luke and I played together. My emotions twisted and tore as I remembered the laughter as we played our music together, of our intense battles of chess and the innocent looks he would give me when I lost. It grew harder to breathe as I remembered that day at work when I first grew giddy in his presence. Then I had tried to pass it off as stress and lack of sleep, but now, in hindsight, I recognized it for what it truly was. “The Damien, he who has no room to love anything other than his music has finally fallen in love,” again her voice echoed inside me. How could it be possible that I love him? I was not gay. Because you love him, why does that have to make you gay? What dictates love? my inner voice questioned me. Again I looked over at Luke who had been silent all this time. He looked up from the ground, our eyes meeting. His eyes widened, but he did not look away.
“Hi,” I said not knowing what else to say. He smiled, “Hi.” He took a steadying breath. We sat down on an old wooden bench we were walking past. I turned so that I was looking at him. “Damien, uh, well…” he cleared his throat, “this is awkward. The last two or so months have been, well, amazing.” His skin shone as he began to sweat in his nervousness. My own breath was getting shaky; I could feel my hands start to shake. “It’s crazy I know. I haven’t had this much fun and, um, awkwardness in a long time. To be honest, never before. I mean, I guess I just want to say that I, uh, well.” He paused and drew a breath. “I don’t really know how to say it, I mean, it has never happened before and it just feels so, so…I guess what I am trying to say is…Agh I don’t know how to say it. Damien…” I waited a moment before speaking up. “Yeah?” my voice was just a whisper in the night breeze. He shook his head and sighed, his face tightening up. The breeze brushed at his hair causing it to sway against his forehead. “Never mind, forget I said anything. It was so stu-“I leaned forward before I knew what I was doing, pressing my lips against his, silencing him. After a moment I leaned back, the shock I felt reflected in his face and eyes. The edge of his mouth twitched as if he was resisting a smile.
“I guess I uh, feel the same way.” I could not hold back a fit of laughter. After a moment he followed my lead, his voice roaring into the night air with relief, silencing the nearby group for a moment before the returned to their carousing.
“I guess I worried for nothing,” he said, his eyes dancing with relief and excitement. “I’ve never felt like this before.” I nodded. “Neither have I.” I felt myself falling as I looked into his hazel eyes. I felt as if I could see into his soul, bared for my eyes only. The depth of emotion that ran through them frightened me and yet filled my heart. We sat there for several more minutes before we got up and left, hand in hand, leaving the drunken laughter and music behind us.
Three weeks later
I was mopping the tile floor at work with a smile on my face. Luke and I had been together for three weeks now. I could barely wait to see him again tonight. I had some major news to tell him. I felt as if I might burst from the strain. I mopped the floor harder cleaning up the muddy footprints of the customers. The rainy weather muddied the ground which in turn muddied my floor. I paused in my work and rested my chin on the mop handle and looked about me. There were some college students scattered about at different tables, textbooks open before them and notepads scribbled full of notes. James was steaming another latte for a customer that had just arrived. There was an older couple sitting in two of the overstuffed sofa chairs in the corner talking quietly to one another.
I had put the broom away and was wiping down a table when Brad came in. I waved to him as he spotted me and came my way. “Hey man,” he greeted, “you said you had some important news?” I dragged him over to the table I had just cleaned off and sat down in the oak maple wood chair. I took a couple of deep breaths to still my fidgeting. “Calm down, you’re going to hurt yourself. You are as fidgety as a girl you know that? I swear, I don’t know how I never knew you were gay before.” I glared at him. If my eyes could throw sharp icicles they would have. He leaned back in his chair and raised his hands in defense. “I’m just messing with you. It doesn’t bother me. I mean, after the initial shock I haven’t thought twice about it. I’m glad you finally got yourself a life, strange as it may be.”
“Yeah, whatever, my life was perfectly fine before Luke showed up,” I countered.
“Yup, and how many friends did you have not counting me?” That shut me up. Brad, and then Diana, had been my only friends. If I wasn’t practicing my music or working I was usually visiting my parents. Now that I was seeing Luke my parents were not talking to me. My mother said they just needed time to adjust and my father, well I haven’t talked to him since that day. I shook my head to clear the memories.
“That’s not what I asked you to come over here for.” I took another calming breath. “I got the letter from Juilliard this morning,” I paused for effect.
“And??” Brad questioned as he leaned forward, his full attention hanging on my next words.
“I got in!” I squealed and jumped out of my seat. I snapped my lips shut and looked around as I sat back down. People were staring at me strangely. “Sorry,” I apologized to them.
“Yes!” Brad stood up and yanked me out of my seat and gave me a hug. “That is so stinkin’ awesome! All those years of practice paid off huh?” I nodded.
“Yeah, one of their recruiters sat in on one of my last recitals down at the old theater and liked what he heard. And the best thing is I got a scholarship that is paying for three-quarters of my tuition!” Brad’s face beamed with pride.
“Ha! I’m best friends with a musical genius. Before you know it you’ll be doing world tours and playing in concerts.” I went to sit back down, too excited to stay on my feet and missed my chair and fell to the floor. “Damien! Are you okay?” Concern battled laughter on Brad’s face. I laid there on the floor laughing so hard my eyes watered. I didn’t care that everyone was staring at me as if I had lost my sanity. As far as I knew they were right. After the main onslaught of laughter subsided I pulled myself into my chair, fits of giggling escaping my lips.
“I’m alright, don’t worry. Just a little out of it.” Brad patted my shoulder.
“Well I’m glad to hear your life is starting to shape up.” I sat there staring at him as he took his seat. I tasted the saltiness of my own tears on my lips so I scrubbed at my face with my sleeve. “Yeah, it finally is. I couldn’t agree more.”
I stood in my kitchen in my black pajama pants pouring a bowl of cereal when I heard the front door open. “Damien?” Luke’s voice rumbled softly through the apartment. “In the kitchen.” I could hear his footsteps as the floorboards under the carpet creaked and groaned. He came around the corner, his face beaming. “I got some great news! My father needs someone to head up one of the branches over in Finland and he’s transferring me over there. Isn’t it great?” My heart plummeted to the floor and I nearly dropped the bowl of cereal I was holding. He came up behind me and gave me a hug as I stood there. “You get to come too. The company pays for it all. We can go play all over Europe where music is truly appreciated. We will have ourselves a nice penthouse in Helsinki, Finland and drive down to Britain or elsewhere and go to the clubs and play together. It will be bliss! What is you always say? Music is bliss? You will always get to play for people.” Luke sounded so excited; I could feel his pulse rapidly beating in his arms wrapped around me. I tried to breathe slowly.
“That’s good. You are really looking forward to this aren’t you?” I turned around and looked at him. I could see the confusion in his eyes as our eyes met.
“What’s wrong? Is everything alright?” I walked into the living room and picked up my acceptance letter. I handed it to him and left him standing there, as he opened it. I walked into my room and slid to the floor, my back against the wall, as tears began to slide down my cheeks. I huddled there in the dark room, my knees drawn up, my arms wrapped around them and my face buried in my arms. I heard the floorboards outside my door creak. “Damien?” Luke called softly. I said nothing. I could not say anything. My pants were beginning to soak up the tears; I could feel the wetness against my skin. Luke sat down on the carpet in front of me and wrapped his hands around mine. I looked up at him. There was pain in his voice. “Your dream came true. You finally got in.” Barely two feet apart and I had trouble hearing his words. “I came along and messed up all your plans. I should have just let things be.”
“No!” I sat up, “Don’t say that because it’s not true!” I grasped his hands tightly.
He shook his head mournfully, “You will never give up Juilliard to come to Europe with me…” I spoke up over him, “No, I want to; I can’t be separated from you now that I have found you.”
“You would give up your dream to come to Europe to play in the streets for mere pennies?” I opened my mouth to agree but found that I could not. “See, you can’t.” I could faintly see tears slide down his face through the darkness.
“I don’t want to be here if I can’t have you,” I protested. “Then come away with me. I leave in two weeks. We’ll fly to D.C. for a meeting with my father where he will be meeting some men and from there we’ll head overseas. Fly with me to Finland.” I still could not force myself to agree. I could only shake my head in confusion. All my life I had wanted to go to Juilliard, I had no room to love anyone. Luke came along and changed it, changed me. Yet, after it all, I still could not give up my dream. Luke stood to go. He pulled something out of his jacket pocket and laid it on the floor. “If you change your mind the plane leaves in two weeks.” He kissed the top of my head before walking out of the room. I choked back a sob as the front door creaked shut. I picked up the paper he left on the floor. It was a plane ticket. Tears splashed against its glossy surface and ran off. How was I to choose between the two; my life long dream and the love of my life? I crawled to my bed and lay there sobbing.
I stood in the great concert hall where all the semester’s new students were directed. The auditorium was an amazing sight. It’s great arched ceiling, the gilded beams of support contrasting the velvety carpet of the floor. I chose a seat away from other people. It had been two weeks since Luke walked out of my apartment. Two weeks since I picked up that plane ticket and cried myself to sleep. He would be forever gone soon. He met with his father yesterday and his plane would leave later today. I took a stilling breath. I glanced up as an older man in a gray suit with a brown tie started speaking into a microphone.
“-come you all to Juilliard. Many of you are from far away. Most of you have worked your whole lives to get here. You are but a select few of those who tried to enter. Be proud of yourselves, you have made it at last!” Cheers and applause rose from the new students. “Juilliard is a school for those elite artists who wish to better their education. We come together to follow our first love, that which has captured our hearts.” I felt something stab my heart as the words hit home. “I want to encourage you, times will become difficult, but don’t let anyone or anything deter you from that which you truly love. Go for it with all your energy and don’t look back. Fear not the consequences for happiness can be found in your love and your love will make you happy. Again, I want to welcome you all to Juilliard, the great school of arts!” Tears ran anew down my face as I thought about Luke. I could not lose him, not like this, and not ever. I glanced at my watch. It was just after ten. If I left now I could make it to D.C. in time to catch him.
I rose from my seat and walked quickly out of the auditorium. I bumped into one of the school chairmen. “Pardon me,” I apologized. He looked at me. “You are Damien, are you not?” he asked me. I nodded. “Yes I thought so. I saw your audition. Great talent there.” I thanked him politely before he continued, “New students are supposed to be in the auditorium right now. I’m afraid you are going the wrong way.” I nodded, getting impatient with him.
“Yes I know, but I have to go, I can’t be here just yet. Someone I love is about to leave the country and I will never get to see him again if I don’t catch him before his plane leaves.” I explained. The man’s face grew stern.
“Son, if you leave now you cannot come back. Your leaving now will be the same as if you rejected the acceptance. You will never get another chance.” I paled and swallowed the lump that formed in my throat.
“I don’t care, I’m leaving.” As long as I had Luke I could live happy. I nearly ran out of the hall to the parking lot. I hurried to my rental car and peeled out of the parking lot. I sped through the streets. I couldn’t find the interstate fast enough.
Due to construction on the interstated I pulled into the DC airport an hour late. I knew I was too late to catch him, but I had a plan. I grabbed the plane ticket from the glove box and ran into the airport. I waited in line for the first available assistant. When I got to her I couldn’t talk fast enough. “I need help, my friend, he left here an hour ago on a plane bound for London and then Helsinki, Finland. I was supposed to go with him but missed the plane.” I handed her my ticket. “Please can I get this transferred to another flight?” She looked up something on the computer and smiled.
“Yes I can. Was his name Lucas?” I nodded. “It looks as if he took a later flight. You just missed him, his plane left just minutes ago. Seems he tried waiting for you. I can get you on another flight in three hours and onto the same London-Helsinki flight as your friend. It is a one hundred and fifty dollar fee to transfer your ticket though.” I nodded and handed her my credit card. It was worth it.
*
I arrived at the London airport with nothing more than my wallet and the itinerary for my next flight. I was nervous. I was excited. I reached the next gate ten minutes before it boarded. There were dozens of people sitting in the waiting area in front of one of the televisions. They were all talking at once, the noise was nearly unbearable. I could not see what was causing all the ruckus and gave up. I walked around, looking for Luke, but I didn’t see him. I walked up to the help desk by the gate.
“How may I help you sir?” the man politely asked me. “Hi, I’m looking for someone who I was supposed to meet. We flew into London on different flights. His name is Luke. He flew in from Washington DC about three hours ago.” The man stopped typing on his computer, his face paled. “Was he on flight 2197?” I nodded, “Yes that was it.” He turned on the television set that was just above his head to a news station. The image of floating debris in the ocean came onto the screen.
“If you are just joining us,” a news caster announced, “we have been following the search and rescue attempt just off the coast of England. Flight 2197’s engines failed mere hours from the England coast, falling into the Atlantic. So far no survivors have been found.” A list of deceased scrolled across the screen. The third name on the list was Burgin, Lucas.
The world around me froze as I reread the name. I could not breathe. I read the name again. Burgin, Lucas. Luke. “Luke!” his name burst from my lips in a scream. My Luke! I could not believe it. He should not have been on that plane. He waited for me to show up, but I never did. He died thinking I turned my back on him. I gasped in mouthfuls of air and sank to the floor in despair. My world had suddenly and horribly come crashing down around me. My Luke. I did not get to tell him I loved him or that I wanted to spend my life with him playing music in the streets. My love. If it wasn’t for me he would be alive today. My life. I sobbed, ignoring the questions of the people around me.
I had lost everything. My family had disowned me; my dream given up for my love and my love lost because I could not give up my dream. I vowed I would never again touch a musical instrument; I no longer had any inspiration. My inspiration died with Luke.
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