You raise a good point. I’ll have another look at it.
Poetry / Evolution (Analysis)
One day God thought for an idle laugh
He’d shape an Earth from the cosmic bath.
He stretched out a planet-spanning hand,
And drew it back, and there was land.
But the dead earth wasn’t much to see
And simply sat there silently.
So he loosed the fountains in the deeps,
And water rose in gushing leaps.
Where earth had been, exposed and raw,
Now a pleasant, placid sea he saw.
And the water sweetly flowed if pressed,
But mostly it remained at rest,
And after he had drunk his fill,
The water again was dark, and still.
So he squeezed a stone til it burst aflame,
And thence the shining sunlight came.
Then the water boiled up and rained,
And back into the sea it drained.
Yet even though he made the Sun,
It seemed his toil wasn’t done.
For water kicks its legs, by chance,
But it doesn’t understand the dance.
Yes, it seemed his early work was flawed;
The thing he sought was like a God:
A being to kneel before him, awed—
So he paced awhile and hemmed and hawed,
And then with a terrifying nod,
He took his staff and his Ruling Rod,
And flung his mighty arms abroad,
And lightning! Down through the sky it sawed,
And into the ocean’s depths it gnawed,
And life
was given
a little
prod.
And it
wasn’t
much
to see,
as yet…
...just a tiny spark in the endless wet.
But it grew, and multiplied, until,
In the shadowed, underwater hills,
An eye opened, and looked around;
An ear heard clear the primal sound.
And the offspring of that godly wish,
Swam the depths as a scaly fish.
But still, the work was far from done
And the fish swam up to see the sun.
One day at play in the crashing surf,
A leaping fish leapt on the earth.
It fell on the ground with a little smack,
And it tossed and writhed, but it couldn’t get back.
Then it lay exhausted in the burning sand,
Beached on unforgiving land,
And it gave a final, screeching cry,
But the stranded fish couldn’t die.
And through its haze of death despair,
The fish took a searing breath of air.
And the thing on the beach that day survived—
Lingered, strengthened, grew, and thrived.
So the Sun shone down and the Earth revolved,
Mountains formed and then dissolved.
A great continent cracked and split;
The world trembled when a meteor hit.
But somehow, fragile Life escaped,
And hid in the trees as a hairy ape.
But in the end he left the tree,
And the ape turned into you and me.
Now,
I don’t know what he was thinking of,
But God intended we should love.
It’s caused more pain than we can take,
But I can’t call it God’s mistake.
For around the pain is another thing
That makes the heavens seem to sing,
A thing that, once my hand had cupped,
I’d give my Life before I’d give up.
And as I like my beating heart,
The two of us were slow to part,
But it didn’t take a close inspection;
I know when I see perfection—
If a single lonely fact is true,
It’s that my heart belongs to you.
The only talent I ever had
Was to write what it meant to despair or be glad.
I told the world with a hint of pride,
I find the places words will hide!
But a beautiful smile from you, and I fall—
And my pen--dearest friend--can write nothing at all.
Yet one line cannot be erased:
When I wrapped my arm around your waist,
My furies, closing swift and sure,
Went out, as though they never were.
And though you live on a distant shore,
We can’t be separate anymore.
We’re bound by a blinking, plastic thread,
Like neurons inside Gaia’s head.
No one comprehends the plan
That slowly links us, man to man.
We may be far from the final date,
But the godly web is growing great.
It isn’t obvious to some,
But mustn’t something awesome come?
From the moment flashing lightning fell,
With a thunderclap and an ozone smell,
And forced Life into that simple cell,
The speck has never ceased to swell.
At times, with a whooping, bloody yell,
It tore itself with sword and shell,
But when the mighty cosmic bell
Reverberates with its final knell,
We might be able, then, to tell,
That God
has reproduced
as well.
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virg_nelson reviewed Version 1 -
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justinmicheal reviewed Version 1 -
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quite the abstract nursury rhyhme wasn’t prepared for the little mind trip
Thank you for writing, reminds me of “Waiting for Godot”
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Sailinghomeward reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice and quite rhetorical. It is nice to see the anti-darwin and darwinism theories pulled together as well as the light humour injected into the first part. It is a theme I have tried to explore, (I also have a love on a distant shore) but you have reached the pole first. Great writing
Carter reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this story of creation. The way the spacing breaks up, when life is “given a little prod,” emphasizes both the importance and the smallness and randomness of the event (a spark in the wet). The structure of those first three paragraphs is so good – from the really structured rhyming of the first paragraph, to the build up with every line rhyming as God decides to create man, to the broken up, tiny act of a spark of life (expanded spacially by how you arranged the words to fill a larger space of the page than it would otherwise deserve). I really like this. It gets just a tad cheesy for my tastes after “now”, and I think the reason is: linking creation to personal love is a great bridge, but your description of love uses words that are a bit cliche, and thus out of place in a very creative poem. Heaven is singing, a beating heart, my heart belongs to you, your beautiful smile…. I know you can do better. But then it picks back up, and the ending is beautiful. Think a little about that middle part. If you can be so creative about creation, don’t you also have some insight about the words we can use to talk about love?
drycleaner26 reviewed Version 1 -
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A unique and interesting poem. Excellent rhyming and cadence throughout. I especially enjoyed the parts of haiku you put inside the poem. They are very effective.
“We’re bound by a blinking, plastic thread,
Like neurons inside Gaia’s head.”
You lost me here. I don’t read that type of literature so that may be why. Most of the poem was well written and I understood it. Definitely should be published. You have a real talent.
Eden reviewed Version 1 -
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There’s really nothing to criticize here. This is a clear, well crafted, evocative piece with striking imagery, strong rhythm and meter. The attention to detail indicates that you are a prolific writer. I will say that, because it’s not really flash poetry, it is a bit distracting that you broke up lines as you did in those two places, however, it’s clear that your decision to do so wasn’t arbitrary, as it isolated the images they presented well. Especially the last line – they way you formed a circle…earth, cycles….got it. Still, my personal feeling is that, because the rest of the poem is so straightforwardly and classically written, it ultimately winds up being a clever distraction. Good stuff!!
Midwest_Writer reviewed Version 1 -
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Very well written. The fludity of this piece was awesome! If I was was your creative writing teacher I would say, ok now that you have a solid piece I would like to see this piece done without having the rhyhems in it. I am not saying this was not a good piece because of that, but it would be interesting to see how it would look and sound when you do take away the known pulse.
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