Thank you for your review. I am currently in a hold on my writing, writers block, or maybe it is just, baseball season lol.
I will definately be posting more. thank you for your insights, I will take it all into consideration as I continue to work with this peice.
Romance / Colors of the Sun (Analysis)
ONE
Danielle Beckett was late. The auction was probably already starting. So much for looking at the stock before bidding, she thought. A little more notice that Frank wouldn’t make it on time would have been nice.
Dani loved horses, but she hated being stuck at an auction for hours, especially in this kind of heat. Frank always did the bidding, but she promised him she would do it in case he didn’t make it.
Dani tugged at her shirt; it took only minutes before the moist air had her clothes sticking to her like glue. If it weren’t their anniversary, she would get up and leave, forgetting about the horse she needed and finding a nice cool place to go for a swim.
The only reason she had agreed to do the bidding today was because Frank told her he had some extra work to do before he could make it. She sure hoped he made it before the auction was over. She didn’t want to be here as it was, being here alone just made it worse.
The last auction she had attended had been nearly ten years before when she and Frank first got married. Now he was stuck at the office, hopefully finalizing there anniversary plans. Frank always managed to surprise her with something special.
The humidity was terrible; it seemed to be getting worse by the minute. August, being the hottest month anyway, made it that much more unbearable. There were fans in the windows, but they didn’t seem to be doing much but circulating the bad smell.
The arena, used only for auctions, seemed too small for the job it was intended to do. The seats arranged in half circles on both sides, made it easy for everyone to see. The old place sure could use some work.
Dani picked up her hat and slid to the empty chair. Looking around she noticed how crowded the building was getting. People began to line the walls, the seats filling up quickly. She kept her hat on the seat between her and the man with the chew, in hopes that no one would try to sit there.
Dani found her seat in the center section; she placed her hat on the empty seat to her right, to her left a large man holding a cup in his right hand, smiled at her; his teeth were darkened with chewing tobacco and the smell of tobacco mixed with mint gave her stomach an unsettled feeling. He spit into the cup, wiped the chew that dribbled from his chin, then returned his attention to the arena.
The auction proceeded quicker than she thought it would. She had never actually bid on anything before, she had only watched in the past. It didn’t take long for her to figure out how the bidding worked. This wouldn’t be too bad, she thought. She could bid on a horse; how hard could it be?
She watched and listened through the first half, Pigs and cows, Saddles and bridles. The auctioneer was amazing. How the people kept up amazed her just the same. Before she knew it, the horses were coming in.
Dani glanced occasionally at the entrance. She couldn’t help but wonder what was keeping Frank. She would love to have his help right now.
The first couple of horses were older; but nothing that interested her; it was a good thing too. The auctioneer spoke so fast she didn’t even know what he was saying. Dani suddenly feared she wouldn’t make a winning bid. She could hardly keep up. It didn’t sound quite so fast when she wasn’t looking to bid.
The next horse was lame; he moved slowly around the arena with a limp, his eyes were tired, although the horse didn’t look very old, he hung his head with a sadness that pulled at her heart. He was sold to a man she knew to be a meat buyer. He had been to her ranch a few times over the years. There had been horses that were sick and beyond any help that would keep them alive. It killed her to see them go, but she knew it was best.
The last horse brought out was a beautiful palomino stallion. His mane and tail danced freely in the heavy air. The light danced on him giving his hair a look of golden glitter. Dani sat up straight in her chair. This was the horse she wanted, the horse she would bid on. He was beautiful. He was perfect.
Dani watched the horse move gracefully around the arena. She got her sign ready to raise as she waited for the auctioneer to call first bid.
The starting bid was two hundred dollars. Raising her sign, she bid, then there was another bid, before she could get her sign up a second time, the price was up to twelve hundred dollars. It was going fast, too fast.
Now she was getting worried; Frank had always done the bidding. She was afraid she wouldn’t be able to keep up and she would lose the bid.
“Do I hear fifteen, fifteen hundred dollars?” The auctioneer yelled.
Dani raised her sign. The announcer continued calling for sixteen hundred dollars. No one else bid. Dani had won the bid, and a beautiful horse. She smiled, let out a sigh of relief then fell against the back of the chair. She won. The auction ended with her winning bid. Glad that was over Dani picked up her hat and waited.
People started to leave their seats and exit the building. Dani waited until the arena was completely empty before she left.
There was still no sign of Frank. She was sure he would have been there by now. Excited about the horse she bought, she worked her way through unruly chairs down to the payment booth.
The line at the pay window was long. A breeze blew in with every person who left the building. The air was refreshing; it was hotter with so many people gathered in such a small space. Searching the crowd with her eyes, she hoped to get a glimpse of Frank somewhere.
“Where could he be?” she mumbled.
Her feet began to ache, shifting uncomfortably one from foot to the other, she waited impatiently for her turn. She paid the woman at the window and in return received all the papers for the horse. Registration information, blood lines, vet records etc.
“You can pick the horse up in the loading area. Back your horse trailer up to gate four. They’ll load the horse for you,” the woman handed her a receipt and a ticket with gate four stamped on it, “Give this to the man at the gate,” she said. Dani smiled, thanked the woman, and then headed out the door as quickly as possible.
The fresh air felt good, the temperature was cooler now, the air not quite so wet. Dani went to the parking lot to see if Frank’s car was there, she was certain he would be wandering around somewhere looking for her. People were dispersing quickly; the parking area was nearly empty. A big white truck with red stripes down the side sat at the far end, her green 4×4 and horse trailer sat close to the pick up gate, she didn’t see Frank’s car anywhere.
Dani walked to the corral where the horses, now separated by temporary fences, were waiting to be claimed by their new owners. In the back of the corrals, a small herd of cattle grazed in a pasture. The wind blew gently sending the smell of horses and cows through the air.
A woman with kids occupied gate 4. She could hear the youngest girl cheering as the men loaded a baby pig into the small truck. She looked around again for Frank, but there was still no sign of him.
While she waited for her turn, Dani climbed up on the fence and searched the corrals for the horse that she had bought. The palomino was in a holding pen behind gate four, he certainly was beautiful, she thought. He moved with a passion that she admired in a horse. He kept his head held high in a manner that showed great strength and endurance, it made her wonder why anyone would put him in an auction.
Dani watched the horse closely; He trotted then walked. Stopping shortly for a moment, he sniffed the air, let out a small snort then began walking slowly around the pen; it could have been anything that made him stop but Dani trusted her instincts and decided the smell of cattle is what caught his attention. This was a good sign that he would be a good horse for working cows.
A noise behind her made her turn around, “He’ll make a great cutting horse,” Frank said.
Dani jumped; nearly falling off the fence, “Where have you been?” she climbed down from the fence, “I was getting worried; I thought you would’ve been her an hour ago,”
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t get away,” He leaned down and kissed her forehead.
Frank towered over her five foot, three inches, making it difficult to meet his gaze straight on. His graying hair, combed neatly back gave him a sophisticated look; his brown eyes had a distant look in them. A kiss on the forehead was not what she had expected on their anniversary.
“I picked the best one, isn’t he beautiful,” she motioned to the horse, now being moved into the loading area of the corral.
“I’m sure he will make you lots of money,” he said.
“You mean us,” she corrected.
“Right . . . we should get going,” he patted her on the shoulder, then pulling his set of keys from his pocket he turned to go to her truck, “I’ll back the trailer up to the gate for you,”
Maybe he was just tired, she thought. She followed him to the truck. He paused for just a moment as if to say something, before shutting the door and putting the truck into gear.
Dani watched while he backed the trailer up to the gate. She shivered at the thought of Frank’s behavior. Two men loaded the horse, then waved that it was ok to leave. Dani waved a thank you, then walked over too the truck.
“So, I’ll meet you back at the house then?” she asked.
He stared at her for a moment before answering, “Yes, I’ll meet you there,” he said, turning to leave.
“Frank,” she reached out and touched his arm, “is everything alright? You seem upset, did something happen?”
His eyes were dark now, his expression blank, “I’m fine,” he told her, then headed for his car.
Dani couldn’t quite figure it out; she hadn’t seen him like this before. Maybe after there night out he would relax. Their anniversary plans, she had made months in advance would certainly lighten his mood. A new restaurant opened in town and they had reservations. The evening would end with a horse and carriage ride through town.
Imagining the way the evening would go, Dani could feel the cool air streaming around her, sending chills through her body. Frank would lean over pulling her close to keep her warm. The chill from the carriage ride bringing them closer, telling her he loved her that everything would be fine. Hoping it would strengthen the relationship she had been fighting so hard to hold onto.
Dani watched Frank walk slowly to his car, his head lowered as if in shame. Dani climbed in the truck and began to pull away. A man moving quickly, almost running towards her truck made her stop. She rolled down her window and looked back toward the trailer to make sure the trailer was fine.
“Wait,” he yelled, waving his arms as he rushed toward her, “Stop, don’t leave yet,”
Nothing looked out of place, maybe the doors weren’t shut, maybe she had a flat. She climbed down out of the truck and checked her tires.
The man stopped next her, “Excuse me miss,” he huffed.
“Are you the buyer of Goldie?” he asked.
“Of who?”
“Goldie, the palomino that was in the auction,”
“Well, if that is his name, then yes,” she folded her arms eyeing him suspiciously.
“I’m afraid there has been some sort of mistake, he wasn’t supposed to be in the auction,” the man explained.
The man removed his hat; His sand colored hair fell across his eyes. He pushed at the fallen hair with the back of his hand wiping the sweat from his brow. His green eyes sparkled in the sunlight. The bronze of his skin gave away that he spent a lot of time in the sun. She didn’t know who he was but he definitely didn’t look like anyone from around here.
“Who are you?” Dani asked, suddenly frustrated.
His mouth curved into a smile, he extended his hand, “I’m sorry, my name is Jack, Jack Edwards,”
Dani looked at his hand but didn’t shake it, “Well, Mr. Edwards, I’m afraid there was no mistake on my part. I bid on the horse, I won, and now he is paid for,” she went back to the driver’s door and climbed in the truck.
“Wait,” Jack followed her, he grabbed the door before she could shut it, “I really would like to talk to you about my horse,” he pleaded.
Dani glanced in the direction of where Franks car was parked, he was already gone, “You mean my horse, there is nothing to discuss, so, if you will excuse me,” she said, she put the truck into drive and pulled away. Jack stepped back from the truck quickly before the door shut on his hand. He was lucky she didn’t run him over, she thought.
The man yelled for her to stop, she ignored him and kept going. Watching in her mirror, Jack stomped his foot, put his hat on and stormed off quickly toward the auction house.
What did the man expect her to do? He was nuts if he thought she was just going to hand over the horse. She bought the horse honestly; she was the new owner of the horse. If he wanted the horse so bad, he shouldn’t have allowed him to be put in the auction in the first place.
Dani drove home quickly, uneasy thoughts raced through her head. Frank had kissed her on the forehead, which was a first. She thought he would be excited about the horse, and even more excited about their plans for the evening. Something had him very distracted.
The man at the auction yard, although he was very sexy, made her a little nervous. Frank had never left her like that before. He always waited to make sure she was on her way before he drove off. If Frank would have seen the man running towards her, she was sure he would have come right over and dealt with the situation, probably much better than she did.
Things hadn’t been completely perfect between them lately. She had been spending a lot of time with the horses and working with her clients, Frank had been spending a lot of time at work and away on business trips. She was hoping that their anniversary might re-kindle something and bring them close again, the way they were when they first met.
*
Franks car sat in front of the house when she arrived. She didn’t see him when she pulled in, she figured he was in the barn getting the stall doors open for the horse; she pulled the truck around back to unload the horse.
Dani climbed out of the truck, “Frank,” she called, “Are you going to give me a hand with the horse?” He didn’t answer.
He always helped her unload the horses. She checked the barn office and the feed room. He wasn’t in the barn anywhere. She went to the house; the trunk of his car was open now, inside the trunk were two suitcases. She didn’t remember him mentioning a trip; maybe he was going to surprise her. Maybe things were going to be better after all.
Stopping suddenly a thought ran through her mind that frightened her. She stared at the suitcases for a moment. Maybe not everything was going to be better.
Quickly she ran into the house, and up to the bedroom. Frank was packing yet another suitcase. She noticed the closet door standing open; his half was completely empty. Her stomach sank; a wave of panic came over her.
“Frank?” her face paled.
He turned to look at her quickly. She couldn’t read his expression; she had never seen him like this before. He stopped packing for only a moment, long enough for Dani to realize that he wasn’t packing for both of them.
Frank returned to his packing. Without saying a word, he pulled his wedding ring from his finger. He placed it gently on the nightstand as if it would break if he set it down too hard.
Watching in disbelief, her chest ached from the pain of her heart breaking. Her cheeks turn hot, tears swelled in her eyes. She didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t say anything. The words wouldn’t come.
Frank looked at her, “I’m sorry Dani,” he said.
She held back a sob, “But . . . why?”
“I have to go, I’m not happy here anymore,” he stopped to face her, his eyes filled with tears. She looked down at his hands and saw them shaking.
“Frank.”
Dani walked to him, she placed her hand on his arm. He jerked it away as if it was the most painful thing she could have done to him.
“I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time. I wasn’t even going to come to the auction, I was hoping to be gone by now,” He stood motionless, staring out the window, “I’ve been working long hours just so I wouldn’t have to come home and face you,” he said.
The words ripped at her heart. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How could he say such terrible things? Her eyes burned with tears. She stood shaking her head in disbelief. Ten years of marriage shouldn’t end this way.
Frank returned to his packing, he removed his things from the nightstand and then from the bathroom. He checked each dresser drawer twice then zipped up his suitcase.
“I was hoping that by some miracle,” he looked at her and swallowed hard, “I thought seeing you at the auction would change something, I thought it could be different,”
“I don’t understand, I thought . . . we . . . I,” she paused. The tears flowed uncontrollably.
Following him out of the room and downstairs, she watched as he placed his suitcase by the door. Keeping his back to her, he paused.
“It’s our anniversary,” she finally said, “Why today?”
Frank turned too looked at her; he wiped a tear from her cheek. The look in his eyes told her she would never see him again, and then he kissed her gently.
“My Dani, My poor, poor Dani,” he said, “You will be fine. You made a great choice today with the horse, I knew you could do it, he’ll bring you lots of money,”
Dani closed her eyes, this was a bad dream she thought. When she opened them again and looked at Frank, his eyes were sad, but not filled with the kind of pain that she felt. Not with the kind of sadness that comes with the end of something that had once been so special.
“Is there some one else?” she asked, “Frank, please,”
How could she not have known? How could she have missed the signs? They still slept together. They still ate together. Her heart burning with pain and anger, she realized they hadn’t made love. It was only sex to him, she felt so ashamed. She felt so used. She gave herself to him with all her heart and now he was throwing it in her face as if it was just something to keep him satisfied.
“I thought you loved me,” she said, trying to make sense of what was happening, “how long? How long have you. . .” she couldn’t bring herself to ask how long he had been seeing someone else.
“I’m sorry Dani,” he said, he pulled away from her and opened the door.
“Frank . . . no,” she sobbed, “We can make it work, we can find away,”
He picked up his suitcase, and then went to his car. He never looked back. Dani fell to her knees, not understanding. Certain everything would get better; she couldn’t believe she had been so blind. All that was left was a feeling of emptiness, shame and anger.
Dani watched Frank’s car slowly disappear down the driveway. The dust swirled up behind his car making it impossible to see which way he turned when he reached the end.
A breeze blew a tornado of leaves into the foyer; they swirled around her with a chill as the cool air brushed passed her wet cheeks, tears flowed with no way of turning them off.
Dani hit the floor with her fists, “Frank,” she cried.
A pain she hadn’t felt before filled her as she sat there in the doorway, staring down the driveway, for how long she was unsure. She was numb, her heart ached, and she was scared. She didn’t know what to do. She thought he loved her, until now. All these years, how long had he been pretending there was no one else? How long had it been since he loved her?
Pulling herself up from the floor seemed like the hardest thing she had done all day. Stepping out onto the porch, suddenly remembering the horse. He was still in the horse trailer. The breeze was cool, at least the trailer was in a shaded area and the trailer was equipped with water. She slowly walked over and opened the doors.
The horse stood calmly, waiting for her to lead him out. Walking him into the barn, the stall she had made ready for him this morning waited.
Tossing some hay to the horse, and giving him fresh water exhausted her, she headed back into the house, not even bothering with the truck.
Her room suddenly felt like a strange place, she stood staring at the empty closet, the empty nightstand. She walked over and picked up Franks ring. Holding it tightly. Her heart ached and at the same time, it raged with anger. Not knowing which to feel. She was confused.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, rocking herself like a little child, crying as she held the ring close. It was her fault. She should have been a better wife, a better lover. She should have seen the signs, noticed the difference in their lovemaking. Feeling like such a fool, ashamed of all the times she had fully given herself to him when he had another woman on his mind.
Picking up a shirt Frank had dropped; she pressed her face against it and took a deep breath. The smell of his cologne was strong, but it was a scent she didn’t recognize, a scent unfamiliar to her. She tore at the shirt, trying to rip it, throwing the shirt across the room; she fell onto the bed curling up on Frank’s pillow and cried herself to sleep.
Morning came much too soon. She didn’t know if she could even function. Her eyes burned, they felt puffy. Pulling the blanket up to her chin, she stared out the window for a while. There was no reason to get up. There was no one there for her now.
Dani drifted off to sleep and slept for a while longer before finally forcing herself out of bed. A shower didn’t help, dressing absent-mindedly, fighting the urge to crawl back in bed and stay there forever.
Dani knew she had to work. Keeping busy was the only way. She couldn’t let Frank leaving consume her into losing everything completely. Frank had used her, at least that’s how it felt. He had lied to her. He said he loved her. Working was the only thing that would keep her mind off Frank, for now.
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dust reviewed Version 1 -
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icomeanon reviewed Version 1 -
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Claire_D reviewed Version 1 -
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The story gets by on its quirkiness rather than its dramatic clout. I would argue that part of the problem stems from the opening. We really do fail to get pulled into the events of the piece here. You introduce the character of Danielle competently but I felt no connection with this character and her set of circumstances.
The events of the auction, her relationship with the horse and those with Frank have a certain pathos to them. I felt there to be more a kinship between this horse and its owner than the human characters in the piece. It was an interested anthropomorphic jeté you perform here.
I think as we get through the paragraphs, your style becomes a little dry. We need to be riled up more about this relationship. I would suggest experimenting a little with language. What I felt was the ideas were here, but I find the style to lifeless for me to fully enjoy the piece. I think experimenting with different ways of expressing yourself would help you find more satisfaction with the piece.
Claire
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alohakels reviewed Version 1 -
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This story, so far, seems great. I wish, however, that I could feel a closer connection to the characters. You successfully reveal the heartache of Dani through your passionate descriptions and vivid imagery.
Great Job.
SinnerASaint reviewed Version 1 -
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The storyline was phenomenal, but I was bewildered as to why you chose to write this piece in the structure and format that you used. I believe that it messes with the flow, creating awekward pauses and uncomfortable reading. I also noticed that the transitions from thought to thought could have been better written with fillers. Just more detail and description so that it does not seem that your train of thought wonders. I would also like to say, on a personal note, that this story struck a personal chord. I have always been attracted to anything romantic and this piece was heartlfelt. If you have any other romance pieces I would love to read them.
ScotsmensQuill reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve got a pretty decent story line going on here. Yes, there is a good deal of emotion involved in any relationship “split up” but I think you can afford to delve a bit deeper into the inner feelings of shock and loss that Dani is feeling. Obviously she didn’t see it coming. In the story, I’d keep her in bed for another hour or so while she ponders what went wrong. Perhaps she could run a few scenarios through her mind and work herself into a state of total confusion. More sobbing etc. Then, bring her to herself again with the determination of not letting Frank’s departure ruin everything else for her.
I’m not sure where the story starts out, but, the start of your chapter is fine. The auction layout and the “Geez, why isn’t Frank here” thing works pretty good and dosn’t give the reader a clue that this girl is about to get dumped on hard. Nice work there!
You might want to get into Frank’s mind a little more but that’s totally optional. If he’s coming back into the story later on, you ought to focus on his feelings and thoughts, inner struggles etc equally with Dani’s. If he’s gone for good after this, (ie, she only has thoughts of him, perhaps a phone call or two etc, then leave his thoughts as you have them) By doing this you achieve the idea that “he just used her” better, if that’s what you are aiming for.
Speaking as a published author of a fairly involved novel, I can honestly say that, although I could give a care about horses etc, you already have me wanting to find out what happens next! You definitely have talent going on here and I encourage you to keep at it. Okay, promise to post more of this because I’d really like to read on. Overall, well done!
curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
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I do like how you jumped right into the story. I like the details in the opening stanzas as well.
Overall, however, I feel that the beginning could be re-worked. Not scrapped entirely as you alluded, but re-worked.
It just seemed semi-confusing. I was not sure what the main character was trying to do in this passage.
I like this piece, but I have never read much in the way of romance, so perhaps I am not the one best qualified to critique. But every bit helps, yes?
FLHotnizz reviewed Version 1 -
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I really enjoyed reading this piece, each page was written in such a way that kept me clicking on the next page symbol to find out what would happen next. Instantly the character Dani is relatable. You could feel her pain when she realized that her marriage to Frank was over just as much as you could feel her uneasiness and worry about having to bid on her horse by herself. I’m not sure what to make of Frank yet. At this point I dislike him for leaving his wife and i’m curious to find out the background behind it all, what led to his unhappiness? What led to his decision to leave on his anniversary of all days? I would like to read some more. Great piece so far.
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