Thank you, I’ll take that into consideration. I’m not sure where I would go with it, but getting an idea of how it strikes people helps. Thanks again.
Joel.
Poetry / Zealots
They don’t fall down
and they won’t fall down
and they keep on following me around
They wear stone britches
and they go to town
And they march in legions, and they don’t fall down
They dance like monkeys
clinging to a clown
They wear stone britches, and they go to town
They live in busses
making grumbling sounds
with their golden trumpets and their wedding gowns
They smell like poison
and they feed on frowns
They give long speeches at the edge of town
Underwritten rabbits
spreading fear around
From their paintshop pulpits, willing to expound
They spend my money
and they speak profound
and they keep on following me around
with their stalking horses
walking underground
And they don’t, and they won’t, and they don’t fall down
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unbroken reviewed Version 2 -
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Eloquently spoken. Beautiful. Torment, and just wanting peace.
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TheFanNJ reviewed Version 2 -
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Very nice and you hit the mellon. I think this is the right step but it is more of a song rather than a poem.I say continue to develop this short poem and turn it into a poetic story. Poems are getting over played and people need to tell poetic stories now. Yet, you are on the right track.
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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Are you familiar with Brood War? This is what this first reminded me of and I wondered if it had any real correlation? I have a friend who plays this game, his main race is Protoss, in fact. I automatically assigned these descriptions to the unit in the game, and it came off as very humorous. I love pieces like this, I read it like Leopard Skin Pill Box Hat by Bob Dylan.
Overall I think your stanzas are really solid. I like the rhyme scheme, it’s very consistent, and the repetition is great. The only thing I’d suggest is to work more punctuation into this. Other than that, it was a good read. Thanks.
Mike_Montana reviewed Version 2 -
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I believe your thought in thinking in this poem was more complex than the viewers mind itself. If I had to view your poem in a pictured image, I couldn’t. I believe one of the only things your were missing was imagery. you had a good rhyme scheme and a consistent concept from what I’ve read.
Keep Writing.
blossom_art reviewed Version 2 -
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I am not sure if i am on the right track but from your descriptions of these people I could not help get the feeling of gypsy’s. The only thing that made me think that it may be something other than them was the reference to ‘britches’ which instantly takes my mind to ‘witches’. I liked the way that i could take my mind to the place that you were describing. I also found that there was a slight sense of fear or maybe not fear as such but awareness of them being ‘different’ and therefore creating an alertness for change, whether that be danger or just difference. Not to mention the sense of curiousness in them and a sense of seeing others culture as such.
Am i on the right track?? Or have missed the meaning completly??
Overall enjoyable, I was too caught up in reading to notice grammatical errors or spelling etc which the last thing in my mind to worry about. Why sweat the minor details??
browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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“and they don’t fall down” Using this in the beginning and the end of the first stanza really tied that part togehter.
“they wear stone britches.” it is good that in the second stanza you used that phrase from the first one. That really shower the unity of the two descriptions.
I’m not going to keep saying how you tied the poem together because you clearly know how to do that.
it has a good rythym and you kept that up the whoel way through but it is unclear to me what the poem is about.
do you think saying “They wear stone britches” and then saying “and their wedding gowns” is a little redundant?
keep going with this poem and it will improve!
Unnoticed reviewed Version 1 -
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You use repetition very effectively – don’t let anybody tell you that you say something too many times.
My main objection is to your keeping of the rhythm. If you read it alloud, you will see that it is difficult to keep a steady tone throughout the poem.
Buck reviewed Version 1 -
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I don’t usually go for sing-songy poems, but this one works quite well. I especially like the “underwritten rabbits” and “paintshop pulpits” lines. Good work. Enjoyed!
johnsherman3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Very very good. I am 14 and I love poems, To write them. You use great Visual words and rhyme. So I gave you a 7 because you have more room to improve, Like everyone does. Try not to use the same rhyme word in 2 lines that next to each other like
“They don’t fall down
and they won’t fall down..”
It won’t sound that good you could of used
“They don’t fall down
and they won’t fall to the ground “
See Down and Ground would been better
mikeseed reviewed Version 1 -
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This style of poem reminds me a lot of something out of where the sidewalk ends by shel silverstein. I like it. I got to be honest, the first two lines of the second stanza seem to be the straw that broke the camels back to me. ”They dress like monkeys clinging to a clown” are the Zealots clinging to a clown or are the monkeys they’re trying to dress like clinging? And you talk about them wearing stone pants and wedding gowns, how much clothing do they wear? I really enjoyed this. You mind if I add it to my favorites?
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