Poetry / happenstance (Analysis)

I liked this piece in the beginning. It flowed well. Towards the end I have to say it was not appealing to me anymmore.

I like your use of descriptive words. I had trouble finding the flow of the words, but thats just me. I like poetry to flow. I understand not all poetry should. I liked it over all, very well writen.

A night gone bad.
I bad dream…reality.
You wrote this well.  The expletive caught me off guard at first…as I was totally entwined in the image your were creating.  The abrupt line breaks and wording portrayed a sense of urgency and the let down at the end of the poem…brilliant.
Great job!

Your poem was done well, I was no where near the message that the poem was trying to relay until the very last part which kept getting darker and involving a dance of torture.

Wow, the first few lines lulled me yet implied that there was something nasty out there – the one word I would pick out that showed this was “masquerade”. Then the scene with the dancing (“the music begins…”) lulled me again, until the bit that went “Shit”, which was utterly jolting. I found it rather unsettling but well-written. Thanks for asking me for a review, J A

What an interesting twist at the end!  To be honest, I felt like the beginning was a bit cliche.  Then I read ”...some mad melody of screeching folly…”  and I saw how artfully you manipulated the reader into a false sense of security.  I saw no editing or wording issues.  No changes needed.

Very interesting and provocative..I felt like I was in your mind. It may be personal, maybe substitute “SHIT” with Damn! “I find you (warped) around me?
I like how you’ve “strung out the lines” the form works.Good feeling ..Keep writing!

This reminded me of “The Masque of the Red Death” by Poe. The line “the red night falls” is excellent, isolating it was a great idea. That gives it a lot of weight.

I think that “masterfully crafted” is not a good fit. It messed with the flow a bit, and I think it was just to much in the way of description. I’d rather see the “world” for myself than hear it called masterfully crafted. I think that is something you can and do bring out through the concept of dance. Dance is such a fine-tuned and intriquet thing that the line almost becomes redundent.

“Shit” in both instances took me out. I honestly wasn’t expecting them, and thought they took away from the poems focus. I think you could cut those, and maybe put that in place of “damn” at the end to give the last line more punch. Shit is a more vulgar, more shocking word, and by using it twice before, the last line loses the umph you appear to want.

Hope these suggestions helped. Keep up the good work.
BC

• add/view comments (1)

April 05, 2008

by summers_ann

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	80.0% (10 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
33	F	Houston, TX	April 22

honesty i want the word damn at the end to have less emphasis. to be like an under the breath regret.

i think you’re right about giving to much with the description. i’ll work on that.

thanks for your review, i appreciate you reading it and critiquing it honestly.

peace,
summer ;)

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

I have found on this site that I love to read everyones work but I dont like to review it.  That being said I like the playing out of the nightmare in this.  I could see it painted perfectly in my head.  I can interpret this in several ways, I like that.  I think  some of the best art is when the writer lets you guess and doesnt spell everything out to you.  I like the “damn.” at the end you could have left it off and it would have been fine, but adding it made me chuckle a little and leaves the piece stirring.

Damn.  Dream to nightmare to reality.  Love the segues.  Perhaps a metaphor depicting relationship from beginning encounter to late familiarity. Well crafted.